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I'm lost

M

Mulreay

Member
Joined
Jul 6, 2010
Messages
5
I first experienced depression around 15 years ago and over the last 5 things have gotten very bad. I've taken many anti depressants in the past but most recently (3 and half years) I was taking Mirtazapine 45mg. I moved abroad recently and felt that taking anti depressants wasn't as viable as they cost a lot here in Malta, so I just stopped taking them. I know this is a HUGE no no when it comes to coming off them but I felt OK for a few days.
Then the problems kicked in, they were everything from massive mood swings, erectile dysfunction, massive anxiety and a huge loss in appetite. It's been over 3 months now and everything apart from the mood swings and anxiety has solved itself.

I'm at my whit's end as I'm destroying relationships around me with my constant outbursts and isolating myself. I've now taken to drink in a huge way to stop myself thinking. Literally to stop thinking.

Every bad thing I have ever done plays like a film in my mind when I have time to think and it causes me to involuntary twitch/shudder. People think I'm just cold or getting goose bumps but in reality another thought just entered my mind unbidden about something I regret.

I'm crying writing this because it's so much to tell someone when I can't tell anyone else around me as the last thing they need is me acting up.

I'm lost and I don't know what to do. I can't go back on anti depressants as I can't afford them and counselling here is non existent.
Hopefully someone can give me some advise before I do something stupid.

Kindest regards
Mulreay
 

MarlieeB

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
25,044
Hey Mulreay

You know it was a bad idea coming off the Mirt (especially at the highest dose) cold turkey so I'm not going to tell you off at the moment.

How recent did you come off them? What you are experiencing cold be the effects of withdrawal but it could be a sign that you just weren't ready to come off them.

Now the drinking......

Drinking is a depressant in itself and in the long run that really isn't going to help.

Also think about it. The amount of money you must be spending on the drink could actually cost you more or the same as the Anti Depressants.

My opinion is that you need to find someone close to you to talk to about this. I know you don't want to burden them but they may feel worse knowing that you were struggling so much and felt unable to talk to them.

Please go and see a Doctor and see whether there are any cheaper things you could try, also have a look online and see whether there are any cheap talking therapies available.

Take care

Marliee x
 
M

Mulreay

Member
Joined
Jul 6, 2010
Messages
5
Thank you for the kind response.
I came off them 3 months ago

I knew that I was making a mistake when I stopped taking the drugs but I wanted to be free from them and start a new life. It could cost up to £200 a month for the drugs here so It's not very viable. I know that drink is not the answer and I hate myself for doing it but it's better than sitting around regretting every part of my life.


I feel I'm left with 2 options. Kill myself quickly and not so my family will know, or I just disappear from there lives and decide later.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
StillFighting

StillFighting

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 28, 2014
Messages
508
Hi, I'm sorry for all those symptoms you're experiencing. I can imagine how badly you're feeling right now, I did a similar thing with my a/d about 6 years ago.

I imagine that there are doctors there (like a GP)? Please, consider making an appointment with one (unless you already have?) to see what options you have. I am an expatriate myself and it took me some time to ask and find out about my options for treatment here, what and how can be covered. Perhaps there's an option you don't know about.

I can only imagine how bad you're feeling right now, but you do deserve help to get through this.
 
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