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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I'm lost and untrusting and scared.

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RoseGem11

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I have struggled with BPD for most of my adolescence unknowingly and part of my adulthood knowingly. I've always felt different and always struggled to fit in. I'm the youngest in my family and the most directionless and it makes me feel useless and worthless. I don't know how to maintain healthy friendships and romantic relationships because of the constant fear that my loved ones are going to abandon me and secretly hate me behind my back and are planning ways to hurt me. I constantly feel a pit in my stomach like something terrible is going to happen. I've tried therapy and medication to no avail, I can't sleep some nights because the anxiety over day to day functionality eats at me but I also have struggle focusing and finding my path which makes me feel like even more of a failure. I'm always so angry and I just can't control it and it drives everyone away from me and I just can't take anymore rejection. I'm only 23 but sometimes I feel so much older because every day I struggle with all of these feelings and emotions feels like so much longer and I am just constantly weighed down and exhausted by the feeling of helplessness toward my situation. I need help but don't trust my loved ones enough to understand or help because they either can't be bothered to research the things i tell them about my disorder or tell me it's all in my head and that I need to get over it. I just feel a dark cloud over me all the time and I'm tired of it and I just need someone to talk to who understands what this feels like...is anyone there?
 
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Sarabi_Gyarados

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Hello OP

I've never been diagnosed with BPD, but my father thinks he has it, and I've always thought he and I have it. I've been too scared for a formal diagnosis. I feel like I am so emotionally volatile, I have a love/hate relationship with virtually everyone and take everything as rejection and abandonment (although I have also been rejected and abandoned.)

I have absolutely no trust in people at all, which is an absolutely miserable way to leave and I constantly feel on edge, vigilant in case someone harms me.

I just want you to know, I am here and I can understand how you feel.

You talk about feeling directionless. I often do as well. I feel I've lived a lot of different paths, and I tend to latch onto other people's because it makes it easier than finding my own!
 
LittleMissNameless

LittleMissNameless

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I understand I feel similarly. I live a solitary life because I am incapable of forming healthy attachments and maintaining relationships. I am however very good at navigating life.

Do you have any hobbies at all ? Anything you enjoy? It's a great place to start when looking for direction
 
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bpd2020

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Hello Rosegem. Welcome to the forum. From what I have read of your post, the people in your life are not understanding of bpd. You mentioned they say it is all in your head and they do not want to research into it. I have a feeling this is why you feel you cannot trust them. They are not being understanding. I understand the awful fear of feeling everybody hates us or will leave us. 23 is still very young. It took me several rounds of therapy to understand myself and learn about why I feel the way I do. What I found was when I met people who accepted me I was able to learn how to trust them. It is impossible to trust people who will not research bpd and try to understand what we are going through. I realise this is may not be any help right now but I hope in time you can get rid of the people who do not accept you and find people who do. For me not having my family in my life allowed me to feel better.
 
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RoseGem11

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Hello OP

I've never been diagnosed with BPD, but my father thinks he has it, and I've always thought he and I have it. I've been too scared for a formal diagnosis. I feel like I am so emotionally volatile, I have a love/hate relationship with virtually everyone and take everything as rejection and abandonment (although I have also been rejected and abandoned.)

I have absolutely no trust in people at all, which is an absolutely miserable way to leave and I constantly feel on edge, vigilant in case someone harms me.

I just want you to know, I am here and I can understand how you feel.

You talk about feeling directionless. I often do as well. I feel I've lived a lot of different paths, and I tend to latch onto other people's because it makes it easier than finding my own!
It is easier to jump on someone else's path and follow that but then I'm always worried they'll get sick of me and think I'm just a parasite and leave me too
 
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RoseGem11

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I understand I feel similarly. I live a solitary life because I am incapable of forming healthy attachments and maintaining relationships. I am however very good at navigating life.

Do you have any hobbies at all ? Anything you enjoy? It's a great place to start when looking for direction
Anytime I try to pick up anything new I just lose interest quickly. The only thing that really helps is my dog, I sometimes call him my totem because he's the only one who loves me without judging and helps me calm down when I'm agitated.
 
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RoseGem11

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Hello Rosegem. Welcome to the forum. From what I have read of your post, the people in your life are not understanding of bpd. You mentioned they say it is all in your head and they do not want to research into it. I have a feeling this is why you feel you cannot trust them. They are not being understanding. I understand the awful fear of feeling everybody hates us or will leave us. 23 is still very young. It took me several rounds of therapy to understand myself and learn about why I feel the way I do. What I found was when I met people who accepted me I was able to learn how to trust them. It is impossible to trust people who will not research bpd and try to understand what we are going through. I realise this is may not be any help right now but I hope in time you can get rid of the people who do not accept you and find people who do. For me not having my family in my life allowed me to feel better.
I know they love me and I wish I could just get rid of them but I can't, goodness knows I've tried. It's so frustrating because sometimes I just feel so empathetic for other people it is so overwhelming but at the same time I feel so empty and emotionless myself. Like I could be getting a hug from a crying and loving family member and I can feel how they feel but personally feel nothing back. Does that make sense?
 
EverybodyHurts

EverybodyHurts

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Anytime I try to pick up anything new I just lose interest quickly. The only thing that really helps is my dog, I sometimes call him my totem because he's the only one who loves me without judging and helps me calm down when I'm agitated.
I'm glad you have a dog that brings you comfort -They are so unconditional with their love 🙂
I think it's quite common for those with BPD to flit from interest to interest. I have done that myself often. I find something new and it excites me and absorbs me - I think I've found 'my thing' and will become an expert in it because I love it so much. Fast forward a couple of weeks, and I'm bored to death of it and never bother with it again 😐
 
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bpd2020

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I know they love me and I wish I could just get rid of them but I can't, goodness knows I've tried. It's so frustrating because sometimes I just feel so empathetic for other people it is so overwhelming but at the same time I feel so empty and emotionless myself. Like I could be getting a hug from a crying and loving family member and I can feel how they feel but personally feel nothing back. Does that make sense?
Yes, that does make sense. I often feel emotionless to my own pain but empathy to others. I would recommend having more therapy. It can take time for us to understand ourselves.
 
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RoseGem11

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I'm glad you have a dog that brings you comfort -They are so unconditional with their love 🙂
I think it's quite common for those with BPD to flit from interest to interest. I have done that myself often. I find something new and it excites me and absorbs me - I think I've found 'my thing' and will become an expert in it because I love it so much. Fast forward a couple of weeks, and I'm bored to death of it and never bother with it again 😐
Have you found a way to make something stick or to make something hold your interest? It makes me feel so worthless to just drop things when both of my older brothers have found their careers that they're happy with and their side passion of brewing beer and i can't even re-learn to play the piano
 
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RoseGem11

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Yes, that does make sense. I often feel emotionless to my own pain but empathy to others. I would recommend having more therapy. It can take time for us to understand ourselves.
I've tried therapy and it makes me feel judged and misheard by therapists and psychiatrists. Like my old psychiatrist basically told me that because I didn't like the medication he prescribed me because they were making me feel worse and I didn't like being medicated that there was nothing else he could do for me and he was closing my case. And then the times I have tried to reach out for professional help, its so hard to make an appointment and then even more so to afford it that it's just become inaccessible which is so frustrating when youre trying to take the proper steps to get help
 
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bpd2020

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I've tried therapy and it makes me feel judged and misheard by therapists and psychiatrists. Like my old psychiatrist basically told me that because I didn't like the medication he prescribed me because they were making me feel worse and I didn't like being medicated that there was nothing else he could do for me and he was closing my case. And then the times I have tried to reach out for professional help, its so hard to make an appointment and then even more so to afford it that it's just become inaccessible which is so frustrating when youre trying to take the proper steps to get help
I am sorry you had such an unsympathetic psychiatrist. It can take time to find a good therapist. I too have had ones that were useless and made me feel worse. Some therapists specialise in bpd and will be more understanding.
 
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RoseGem11

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I am sorry you had such an unsympathetic psychiatrist. It can take time to find a good therapist. I too have had ones that were useless and made me feel worse. Some therapists specialise in bpd and will be more understanding.
I know and goodness knows I've tried. But I live alone with a job that doesn't pay nearly enough because I'm a college dropout with few prospects and we live in a society that makes seeking help for mental illness unless your in a certain socioeconomic group difficult if not impossible...which is why I'm here. It just feels so good to feel heard and understood by people who understand what it's like to live in my head
 
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bpd2020

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I know and goodness knows I've tried. But I live alone with a job that doesn't pay nearly enough because I'm a college dropout with few prospects and we live in a society that makes seeking help for mental illness unless your in a certain socioeconomic group difficult if not impossible...which is why I'm here. It just feels so good to feel heard and understood by people who understand what it's like to live in my head
I am so sorry. I am lucky to be in England were therapy is free. It is so sad other countries do not offer that. I am sad you call yourself a drop out with few prospects. Having bpd can make it very hard to study or work and it sounds like you are being very hard on yourself. I am very glad you have found this forum. :)
 
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RoseGem11

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I am so sorry. I am lucky to be in England were therapy is free. It is so sad other countries do not offer that. I am sad you call yourself a drop out with few prospects. Having bpd can make it very hard to study or work and it sounds like you are being very hard on yourself. I am very glad you have found this forum. :)
Wow I wish I lived in England. America is so cruel to people who struggle with mental illness and even worse sometimes to people who try to seek help and treatment because it's so stigmatized here. But in my family, I'm unfortunately not hard enough on myself. Sometimes it's really tough to be the youngest, you get the short end of the stick and doing your best just isn't good enough most of the time
 

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