I'm losing myself

L

LunarFox104

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Joined
Apr 18, 2018
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6
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U.S.A.
#1
I'm supposed to be studying for an exam that I have later tonight, but my depression doesn't seem to care. Hello, I'm a 21-year-old woman in a man's body who has had run-ins in the past with depression and self-harm.
Right now I'm unemployed because unsanitary and hazardous working conditions forced me to resign. Before quitting, I was already slowly plunging into the dark and painful abyss that is depression. Searching for a job is never an easy task. The rejection and overall uncertainty involved in this process has quickened the plunge. I've never had friends and having to sit alone in the emptiness of my apartment has just made that fact evermore unbearable.
Now my noisy neighbors below me have become psychotic with their noise to the point that I stress and worry constantly about the safety of my mom and little sister.
Out of all that, the one constant that has haunted me for almost my entire life is the fact that I'm still a man. I see an endocrinologist and have already started hormone replacement therapy but until I get proper voice therapy, grow breasts, laser out my facial & body hair, get my name & gender marker legally changed, and surgically reassign my natural gender, I'm not gonna be happy with what I am. I can't even properly vent out my problems because my endocrinologist might take me off of the hormones because of mental instability. The only thing that has been preventing me from self harming like I did when I was 17-20 is the fact that my endocrinologist might see the scars. Depression has found a way back into my life, but now I'm even more trapped than I was before. There really doesn't seem to be an escape this time and I'm afraid that this time, I'll end up doing something permanent.
 
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Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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Apr 9, 2011
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31,630
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Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
#2
hi ,im sorry you have so many difficult things going on x
when a lot is happening it is easy to feel overwhelmed

when i feel low or suicidal i come on here for support and it really helps
i hope you find this place useful too x

if you take the exam let us know how you get on?
love Lu x
 

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