I'm losing my wife and kids! HELP!

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Nickg86ng

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Joined
Feb 10, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Lake Worth Florida
#1
I have been married for 4 and a half years. I adopted my wife's two boys. I lied on the initial date about my life, my history, etc. I continued to lie throughout our marriage of telling "tall tales". I'm EXTREMELY jealous of her history to where I can't even deal with with herreminiscing around old friends and in-laws. My emotional outbursts and mood swings are uncontrollable and sporadic. I recently came forward about my past truths since we started marriage counseling. Intimacy, trust and respect are lost in our marriage. She hasn't cut ties just yet, however I feel an overwhelming fear of losing my family. I have little to no self worth. I've been this way since before my marriage. I've always lied about my life to everyone. I used to be a drug addict. Haven't abused drugs in a while. I'm on adderall and lexapro for ADHD and dysthymia, but there seems to be another underlying issue, such as a personality disorder per online research. HELP!
 
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ziedite

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Nov 11, 2013
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254
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UK
#2
Hey nick, first breathe deep and slowly. You’re right you’re in a bit of a mess but it is not unresolvable. You probably need to begin with honesty to your wife and your marriage counsellor. It will be shitty and horrible to say what needs to be said but in the long run it is the right thing to do. Short term it will be really hard I cannot lie. Those two boys need truth otherwise it will scar them.

Get some one on one therapy for yourself as well as it would probably help

We are here for support so let us know what you might need.
 
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ziedite

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Nov 11, 2013
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#3
Hi nick. Had another thought. Sometimes it’s easier to write out what you feel and what you need to say in writing. I often write 2 to 3 pages in word on my computer and give it to my other half to read. It gives me the time to phrase it all correctly and gives him time to read it slowly and think it through before we talk about it.

So it’s something to consider.
 
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ziedite

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#5
It’s hard to say. A professional would probably be able to help with that question. Have you the ability to speak with one?
 
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Nickg86ng

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Feb 10, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Lake Worth Florida
#6
Yes we have a marriage therapy appointment Wednesday I'm just so irritable and overwhelmed in the meantime. Like suffocating feelings
 
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Pigsyjug

Active member
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Sep 22, 2018
Messages
40
#7
Lots of the feelings you are experiencing spam across many disorders etc so hard to help there.
Being honest however is important....life is hard enough without lies etc and that must be exhausting.

Once you set the record straight and get some solid counseling and guidance in, you will find a huge weight lifts.

No ones perfect, be kind to yourself and fight for the things you love with integrity and passion.

Good luck my friend (hugs and support)
 
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Nickg86ng

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Joined
Feb 10, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Lake Worth Florida
#8
Thank you so much for all the support. My mind is turned upside down right now and these are all to often and I need help
 
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Wildfire

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Aug 1, 2018
Messages
75
#9
Hi Nick, sorry to hear what you're going through. The first positive thing you have is that you don't want to lose your family. Have you told your a wife this? It would be a positive move to tell her how much her and the family mean to you.

Building the trust up is a two way street. You both need the freedom to do this. Instead of getting jealous about her past experiences, you can't change them or take them away from her, listen. See what she enjoyed and put away for an occasion, to make your own memories. When she does reminisce, try and enjoy the stories.

I get annoyed when my partner does it, as all of her friends work with her, or are in the same industry, so I do tend to feel left out. I sit patiently (most of the time) and eventually befriended one of the other boyfriends and we just do our thing now.

As for the tales, you can't go back and change that. Just try hard not to do it. We all bring something different to lives. Small achievements first, make some memories that you can bot reminisce about. Then move on to the big things.

I hope it all works out eventually, don't give up.
 
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Nickg86ng

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Feb 10, 2019
Messages
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Location
Lake Worth Florida
#10
I told my wife the truth about everything, starting with my history which set off an an explosion. The next day she spent randomly asking me other questions that she either didn't like the answer of, however I gave her the hard truths and facing my compulsive lying and erratic behavior she PROPOSED possible symptoms of a personality disorder, which led me to here. The following day was quiet but no explosion. Then Saturday we all went to a public event then later to my sister in-laws. Everything was fine till one of the childhood girlfriend came over and they all started reminiscing about promiscuous times and game playing, etc. I knew in my mind it was the past. I knew there was no reason to be angry in any way, however was not able to contain my thoughts and feelings of jealousy, resentment and anger. I made a scene without saying anything. They all said the look on my face could kill. I had absolutely no control. So I feel I make one step ahead then fall 2 behind. I really dont know what to do anymore. Fyi, not suicidal, nor violent and no thoughts cross my mind. But damn, I guess wait till Wednesday session.
 
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Wildfire

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#11
I think if you tell something that big, you need to accept that there will be fall out and it won't be good.

Whilst your erratic mood swings may be to be with a disorder, stating it straight away may come across as trying to shift the blame. Taking responsibility for your actions is a big thing and then asking for help.

When the friend came over, what was the cause of the anger? If you were feeling left out, before you get to the point to being angry you need to walk away and calm down. Even if you do feel mad, don't let them see it. I know what it's like. I have done similar and it's never ended well. Now I just try to have a break or if all else fails go on my phone.

Although for me it is often, I just don't want to be there for whatever stupid reason it is. I had it similar last week, we went for a meal out and all day I was just angry at the world. All I could do was try very hard to be a bit more friendly than I wanted to be.

Small steps, when you feel the anger come on, try to make an excuse and head out, leave them to it and play / look after the kids. Get them some drinks or head off to the bathroom to calm down.

I know it sounds easy to type and I would be hypocritical to say that it works for me all the time, but a little is better than never.
 
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Nickg86ng

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Joined
Feb 10, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Lake Worth Florida
#12
The problem is my wife says I'm being rude to walk away or go on my phone but I guess I will have to figure out a scapegoat. I've accepted my lies have cause and effect. She knows I'm coming clean about everything, but I'm not sure where she is at, mentally, right now. I messed up. That much I know. The only bit of relief is the truth made some weight come off my shoulders. We did discuss to leave the boys out of it for now. Older one is stressed about college. Younger one plays 4 different sports so we agreed to let them be kids right now. I'm not sure wife hasn't told me I need to find a place to go; kids, love, etc? But I'm still here, although I dont know how to be when around.
 
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Wildfire

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Aug 1, 2018
Messages
75
#13
I think if you're upfront, honest that you know it is irrational, but popping out will be a relief and help, it can only be a good thing. A quick, "I'm just stepping out." should be ok. If you get in the car and disappear that's a different thing.

Coping mechanisms are important, as is working together.

I found being here helped a lot. As wonderful as my partner is, she's not good with mental health issues and is of the school of "what have you got to be depressed about, just get over it."

The other day I was having a bad weekend, I've been struggling with a slowly disappearing social circle and my mutual support person has gone on to medication and isn't really the same person. So I was like you, just not enjoying things and in a terrible mood. The other half just said "will you cheer the f**k up, you've got a face like a slapped ass." I said I just didn't feel in the mood and I was told "well you'll just have to get over it."

So I have to find my own comping methods. Venting a bit on here and trying to help others, I have found is good.