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im losing my mind I'm going crazy

R

Robo4201

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Joined
Jan 4, 2015
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2
I can write enough stuff on here to keep someone seriously entertained so I'll try to cut to the chase.. My marriage is in shambles.. My wife hates me.. I can't blame her for it I mean I am as she calls me a nutcase.. I have extreme anger issues that I can't seem to control that go back to when I was a little kid, I tend to get upset and break stuff...phones, tvs, myself, throwing things. I have crazy mood swings and go from being happy to mad then back to happy and act as if me and my wife didn't just get into a fight. I have racing thoughts and my mind usually bounces around, not sure if it is linked to me having adhd as a child? I have trouble focusing on tasks , I never see any kind of project through, whether it be cleaning the house, a task at work, or something like wanting to go do something I have a problem fulfilling obligations. And my wife knows this , it's to the point when I see something I want, or find a job I want to seek, or whatever it may be she ends up being right as I never keep a job or keep personal belongings in constantly selling my trucks and buying new ones just simple things. And then to my marital issues, I am driving my wife away because I constantly accuse her of cheating everyday. I constantly go through her phone and her social networks, I monitor her call log online and I do not allow her to have friends because I get jealous. She doesn't cheat but for some reason these thought race into my mind n somehow make me believe it all over again. I have past issues with women in my life being faithful as my step mom cheated on my dad and I'm the one who caught her. She constantly lied to him about stuff and was very unloyal to my father. Couple ex gfs might have cheated to me along the road as well. And I can't seem to get over it I feel this may be a sign of obsessive compulsion disorder? And my wife is very unaffectionate she doesn't like being loved on , as I am very needy, I constantly have to kiss on her and groupe on her and I'm constantly wanting sex , for 3 years I have been like this with her I am always desperate for affection from her. And when she tells me she doesn't want to have sex that night or whatever I tend to get so mad I have a rage moment n will break stuff , throw stuff , punch walls... I really feel unloved .. Please don't judge me to hard because I am fully aware of these issues and know it's not normal.. BUt it is like rejection ignites these rage moments I can't help. I kinda wonder if that can be linked to my biological mother leaving when I was 2 and then telling me she didn't want anything to do with me when I was 7 years old? my step mom was no better she treated me like a red headed step child and was good at hiding it from my dad. She would tell me thy were planning on sending me away for good when I was 8-10 years old constantly making me cry like a baby. I have a lot of hate for her with all of that and catching her cheating on my dad having sex with another man when I was 16 and my dad was at work. My parents fought all through my life, before divorcing. I feel as if I have general anxiety, bi polar, ocd, adhd. I mean that's a rough guess because I have a lot of issues that no matter how hard I try to address I can't change them. These reactions and impulses seem natural and I feel helpless it bothers me that my wife hates me because of how I've treated her for 3 years and it took me this long to realize I have relational problems with most of the people close in my life. I get annoyed with people very easily, don't like crowds, don't have tons of friends, and am a controlling , verbally abusive, manipulative jerk to my wife. I love my wife deep down I know my issues and I just want some advice on how to address these issues? Is it self control ? Even though I feel as I can't control it. Do I need medicine? Do I need counseling about my rough childhood? Could that be the issue at hand? I don't want a divorce but it's very close. I would love nothing more than to love and cherish and support my wife the way she deserves and trust her to have friends and a life , without having to have sex every single day. I'd love to have simple conversations without us fighting. My wife is bipolar though but I'm not trying to justify my faults. It has taken me til I'm 24 years old to fully accept that I might have mental disorders and I come from a very biased family and it's hard to talk to them. I also am lazy, always tired , I constantly play Xbox because it's "me time" it's my sanctuary from this world I am constantly fighting.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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I think you've come up with a pretty good way forward yourself.
Yes, counselling might help you.
It's possible that you might need to see a psychiatrist for medication too, but how much medication can make you feel better is pretty limited.
In order to help you move forward it takes a good combination of talking it through and finding better coping mechanisms.
It may be that you should see if there are any anger management courses in your area too.
 
R

Robo4201

New member
Joined
Jan 4, 2015
Messages
2
I got so caught up trying to explain everything at once some of that came out jumbled. I guess I can't focus or fulfill my obligations because of my adhd? But my anger yes is my biggest concern it's seriously seems like I can't control it and to be honest there have been moments where I knew I was going to get mad and I tried everything I could to keep my mind off it but in the end I always freak out.. My rage moments don't always result in stuff gettin broke but it does end up in me blowing things outta proportion.. I feel as my adhd prohibits me from controlling my issues since I can't even focus on subjects for more than a brief period of time... That was more or less what I was trying to say .
 
katya

katya

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Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
I'm so sorry you're struggling like this, and I'm really glad you're finding some help for your issues.

I'm going to speak frankly in the hope that I won't upset you, and if I do make you feel bad, I'm genuinely sorry. I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who's also dealt with serious anger issues and has hurt others in the past. I know , from experience, that the sooner you take responsibility for it, the quicker you can both heal.

With that said... Your reaction to her not having sex with you could be having untold damage, especially if she is bipolar. If someone had that reaction to me not having sex with them, I probably wouldn't ever have sex with them again: I'd feel as though I was having sex with them under threat. It's really good that she's understanding about this. But you seriously need to sort that out; you can't pressure a woman into having sex with you that way. It's really damaging. I know you don't mean to hurt her, because your reaction is the result of feelings of rejection that are too much for you to handle right now, and your reaction does not make you a bad person. But you need to think about what this is doing to her.

Also, not allowing her to have friends constitutes abuse - again, this doesn't make you a bad person.

I'd suggest taking a break from the relationship so that you can focus on your anger issues and start again, by re-laying the foundations of a relationship and building trust again with her slowly. Unfortunately your anger is meaning that you're breaking a few unspoken rules of relationships, because you're not on a solid foundation of self-love and self-awareness. These unspoken rules basically dictate that you must treat the other person with respect; if you follow that feeling, you'll find yourself not treating your wife in the ways you describe. Your judgement about this has been skewed by your anger issues, but you need to find this sense of clarity before you can re-build your relationship with your wife: and I do sincerely think it needs rebuilding from what you've said.

A break might not be necessary, though - I hope you can get over these issues fast, because you do love each other, and everyone makes mistakes. We're all struggling and please don't ever feel that you are in any way a bad person; you're just dealing with too much right now and you need to take time to heal. :)

You should go and see your GP immediately. I don't know what combination of therapy will work for you, but I would suggest going down the route of medication and talking therapy; that seems to be a good combination for most people. I'd definitely look into anger management ASAP.

I hope everything goes really, really well for you and I sincerely hope I haven't made you feel like shit.

You're doing the right thing; everything's looking up from here.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Messages
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Location
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It could well be due to ADHD issues, Robo.
ADHD is not something i've had and i'll be honest and say I know very little about it, and how it affects people in adulthood. But it's very possible it could be contributing - or maybe even causing - these outbursts.
I think this is all the more reason to talk to a professional who knows more about these things than I do.
 
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