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Im locked in a virtual cage for 9 years

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Crism30

New member
Joined
Jan 19, 2020
Messages
2
Location
North Macedonia
Hello everyone, I would be glad to share a small story from my mid-Elementary school years to College. I would start by saying that my name is Christian and im 19 years old, my profession is a Church Musician.

Since I got into 5th grade, I started developing OCD symptoms at first in which were the casual ''Making your clothes tidy'' (for example). However since I got into 6th Grade symptoms started becoming much much worse (moments I entered into Teenage-hood). I started getting bullied every single day, I had no friends and no support to hold my back. I would be mocked by others because my parents couldn't afford me new clothes and the newest Iphone and what not (In other words its our society today summed up in a nutshell). Anyways, I became a compulsive liar at 12 years old, I would lie about where I lived, what I owned and what my parents were because it was the only way I could find a spot between those groups of kids. They would eventually some day find out that those simple lies were indeed lies, I would get provoked to fight and that was my everyday life til the moment I got into High School.

At around 6th or 7th Grade elementary I developed very strange ''Ritualistic'' behaviors. I was afraid to go to school, I ran away from everyone I knew at school, and the most notable moment of all was. I would beat myself If one of those bullies ever came to my head or I ever even thought about them in my mind..I would not wear the same Clothes brand that they did, I would hate the stuff that they liked (For example if some of those bullies had a ''Apple'' laptop, by death means I would never buy such a thing because I know that some of the bullies uses that) and it goes on and on and on, even specific colors and patterns..

My parents never cared about it they were irrelevant in total only making things worse by going to school and arguing about my situation.So when I finished Elementary (at last) my brother took me to a rehab center in France where I spent a couple of days on a Mountain Resort. I would beat myself every single day, one night I even woke up in 2 AM and beat myself til 5 AM. Deep inside of me I knew that this mental disease is eating me from the inside..but I couldn't get it away...

4 Years have passed im not in College, the symptoms are minimal now (I don't beat myself) but I still get ticks and memories from the times I was bullied even to this day..that's why im writing this here, to get a second opinion on this stuff and find a way I can finally put an end to this rotting behavior of mine.. Thank you for reading, I would like to see your opinion on this.
 
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aisha23

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
1,327
Location
UK
what I find positive about this post is that you don't beat yourself anymore.

once started, that can be a hard habbit to break... so congrats to you on that.

it really does sound like you have been through a lot of stuff, and your parents sound like mine.. just not interested!

what distractions and coping methods do you use?

feel free to post here too at anytime

x
 
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Crism30

New member
Joined
Jan 19, 2020
Messages
2
Location
North Macedonia
what I find positive about this post is that you don't beat yourself anymore.

once started, that can be a hard habbit to break... so congrats to you on that.

it really does sound like you have been through a lot of stuff, and your parents sound like mine.. just not interested!

what distractions and coping methods do you use?

feel free to post here too at anytime

x
Hello! Thank you for responding :D

I always tried to distance myself from this current situation by not thinking about it, music and Video Games were the main source of doing so. It's always a beautiful feeling when you hear a couple of good words over the internet from a stranger, you know that someone is showing respect towards you. So one day I asked myself why am I doing this to myself? I have to beat this curse myself, so I stopped with the beating and thought about the bad memories on purpose just so I can out think it out of my mind and it worked at the end.

As I grew up I met other people, had new experiences I forgot about the bad memories from the past but its still there.

Have a wonderful day!! :)
-Christian
 
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