im just so tired of this

giveemhellkid

giveemhellkid

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Aug 15, 2019
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canada
im so tired of having to wait for a new song to start playing in the background everytime im about to start a meal at a restaurant/food place just in case "the song" comes on, the one that instantly makes me think of him and ignites my fight or flight response and brings instant panicky tears, because im sure as hell not gonna be caught in the middle of eating with that song starting, and me having to run out of the place with my food half done, completely embarrassing myself. god forbid it finally be taken off of mainstream rotation, right? after over 5 years? im tired of having moments still soured when i hear a different song but from the same band, though im just thankful it was this and not "the song".

but even thinking about the smallest amount out of any of that, i see his face in my head and i am just so tired of it. it hurts. it damages me more and more everytime. im not healing. you shouldnt be out there openly living your life. you ruined so many things for me. why? practically anywhere music plays, im constantly at risk of hearing "the song". the car, swimming pools, amusement parks, the store, the mall. all of the places i love, the places i depend on to heal, everywhere. sometimes i can avoid it managing to cross my mind, other times i cannot, and that is often.

and im definitely not safe on the internet either. ive had a trace of the song sent to me directly by a friend before, though they had no idea about my trauma, and i dissociated for who knows how long just from that. they were completely apologetic and understanding when i explained it to them, but still it adds to the fact that no matter what i do, i can still never seem to completely escape it. even typing this i find "the song" popping into my head and i physically wince. please just stop. please stop. stop. im so so so so tired.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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Apr 9, 2011
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Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
hi ,im really sorry for what you are going through
certain songs bring back hard emotions and feelings for me too
really hope you like it here
love Lu xxx
 
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