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I'm just so tired and feel like a monster

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TirEdofOCD

New member
Joined
Dec 17, 2021
Messages
2
Location
United Kingdom
Hi, new to the forum but just looking for anywhere to just talk I suppose. I've dealt with OCD for quite a few years now but this year it took a really dark turn with harm OCD and obsessive sexual thoughts, so much so that I am currently in a mental health unit and have been for the last few months. I'm constantly battling thoughts of harming my family and friends, of sexually hurting someone and sometimes i am scared i enjoy these thoughts. I try and hang onto the fact that I imagine being given a pill that would make all these thoughts go away and i know i would take it but i am just so confused and tired. I am desperate to go home but I can't go back to putting boxes against my bedroom door at night out of fear of harming my family. I have spoken to the psychologist on the ward about it and she has been really kind but I still struggle to believe it is just OCD. I am not in denial that OCD is a part of it, but sometimes I am scared I want to do some of these things. I don't want to be a monster and I hope you won't judge me, I'm just very scared and tired and it feels like a normal life is slipping through my fingers everyday.
 
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3howards

Member
Joined
Jan 11, 2022
Messages
22
Location
P.a
T,

I used to have thought in my 20’s that at night when I was sleeping next to my wife, my hands would come alive and tear her eyes out.... a friend I met at Miami cargo were I worked used to worry about stabbing his baby....

These are images created by a chemical imbalance.. you WILL NOT ever act on it.. do you think murdered and rapists are out there fearing about hurting others?.. nope..

Your a good soul in torment.... I’m 56 and have never enacted any harmful thoughts.... violent images don’t bother me at all now.. ocd is like a salesmen that is not selling something he will discontinue it....

It will fade in time....

Pills only make it worse for me, not my recommendation..

You will never hurt anyone.... it’s a fact...

All of these type of thoughts are text book.... it’s not just happening to you.. no way.... have some peace tonight my friend....

The monsters are out there, they enjoy suffering and death.... you ain’t one of them....

Threehowards

P.s

My demon is once after a bout with my first ever blasphemous thought, freaked out, got self destructive and purposely thought of worse thoughts.... weather violent, perverse or sac religious.... if anyone experienced this behaviour let me know.. it makes it text book and not me....searching for answers ( it happened in 1987)
 
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Ocean117

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2022
Messages
50
Location
Australia
I think you know deep down you aren’t a monster . My ocd convinced me that I was capable of murder , was attracted to practically anyone and that I could be possessed. How could I be attracted to everyone at once ? Same with all these harm thoughts u don’t want to hurt anyone ir u did I can assure u would know Promise you it isn’t real. These same themes happen to millions of innocent people . And you need to not feel guilty and don’t believe ur mind when it says you aren’t feeling guilty enough . I have excruciating thoughts like you ? Do u think I’m a monster - why would I be a monster when I pray the rosary every night, feed the poor and would die to protect my family and friends . I’m not w monster ocd is ! God bless you I hope u get through this ;) it all stops when u say no I won’t listen to you ocd - u deserve to be happy and enjoy your life
 
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T E_90

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 4, 2021
Messages
493
Location
__
I had it a long time ago, when I was younger and under stress.
I would suddenly imagined pulling the handbrake on the highway, or turning the steering wheel going off the road.
Or take my cat and crush it, and worse.
Or sexually assault a friend of mine.
...And much more...

It was all involuntary and none of it was what I wanted to do or thinking about.
I think they’re called intrusive thoughts.
I noticed those thoughts would pass if I relaxed.

Now I have other urges to control (and they are very voluntary ) that have nothing to do with the intrusive ones.

Anyway, when they come you must try to distract yourself with anything you can.
Don't worry, you're not a monster and you will likely never act on such thoughts.
 
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