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I'm in denial and too scared to ask for help

W

wasteman420

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 3, 2020
Messages
78
Location
UK
I usually get depressed in the winter time, but with this year being the absolute shit show that it has, it's no surprise that this is the worst I've been yet.
I suffer with anxiety which has been next-level bad recently too, so adding depression to the mix just makes things all the more difficult. The anxiety still definitely outweighs the depression, so at least I've not completely succumbed to the apathy quite yet, I must still care if I feel anxious, right?. I have no hope for the future, no career goals, no motivation or will to live. I barely eat. The overwhelming anxiety just makes me feel even more miserable, and being depressed makes me anxious that I'm going to ruin my life and relationships and end up jobless because I can't physically bring myself to get up most days.

Despite all this, which sounds pretty troubling, I still have this awful habit of trying to convince myself and everyone else that I'm fine. I'll laugh at a meme on my phone and instantly tell myself "well clearly you're not depressed then", but then later that day start crying my eyes out because I dropped a spoon on the floor.
My family are pretty reserved emotionally and not very physically affectionate either; my dad's autistic and he's super uncomfortable talking about feelings - something that definitely passed onto me. I shy away from affection, though I crave it so badly I have no idea how to navigate it. I struggle to be sincere and use humour as a coping mechanism, taking the piss out of my own suffering so it seems less serious. But there's only so long you can keep this up for before it starts to eat you away from the inside. I fear I'm becoming so severely depressed that I can't even see the funny side anymore. I'm so sad and so lost, I want to be able to talk about it with my friends and family without feeling like a total downer and wanting to crawl out of my skin and disappear. I'm so scared people will think I'm too damaged to be worth being friends with and won't want to put up with my issues, so I even when they ask "dude are you okay?", of course I tell them "yeah I'm fine".

I just want a fucking hug, man.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
6,445
Location
Nashua NH
(((HUGS)))

You should share with your friends that you aren’t doing well. It would be good for them to know this. Maybe you can get some support from them so long as you don’t lean on them too hard or over talk the issue. Have you looked into therapy to help you get through this rocky period? It seems like you are hitting a lot of walls in who you can reach out to. Bringing your family and friends a little bit into what you are experiencing right now might be helpful with the support of a good therapist too. I hope things get better soon. xo, j
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
696
Location
California, US
Beating yourself up, shaming and blaming yourself--that is a carousel of grief you don’t want to ride in life. Getting help was the most loving gift i gave myself. Asking for help was very hard just not as hard as living life crapping on myself all the time.

This is not a catastrophe, no police cordon is needed around you or your life, and the voice telling you that can't be helped is just throwing an obstacle in the way of help.

Think about it as a struggle over control. You don't want to give up the tight control you learned, cause God knows what might happen.

Good things can happen.
 
M

Msy

Member
Joined
Nov 8, 2020
Messages
19
Location
England
I totally get where youre coming from

I find it really difficult explaining to people close to me how im feeling.

What helped me is speaking to someone i wasnt atached to.
It made it easier to admit things im feeling and once i did that i realised it wasnt so scary speaking to a friend about it either.

Once i finally spoke to someone i was close to then i realised that it wasnt so bad and they were actually pretty supportive.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,964
Unfortunately not everyone has our best interests at heart, and as such careful consideration needs to be given on who we approach for help etc. Sometimes the things we need to talk about can make or break us depending on how someone responds, and then not everyone can add value, or respond appropriately, plus there is also the element of confidentiality. This is why it's often better to speak to a Doctor/Health Professional etc. There is also anonymity on this site and very often situations etc. can be generalised without giving away specifics, which might help in getting balanced opinions etc. leaving the individual to draw their own conclusions etc. Hope this helps :)
 
B

Braveheart

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 1, 2020
Messages
57
I usually get depressed in the winter time, but with this year being the absolute shit show that it has, it's no surprise that this is the worst I've been yet.
I suffer with anxiety which has been next-level bad recently too, so adding depression to the mix just makes things all the more difficult. The anxiety still definitely outweighs the depression, so at least I've not completely succumbed to the apathy quite yet, I must still care if I feel anxious, right?. I have no hope for the future, no career goals, no motivation or will to live. I barely eat. The overwhelming anxiety just makes me feel even more miserable, and being depressed makes me anxious that I'm going to ruin my life and relationships and end up jobless because I can't physically bring myself to get up most days.

Despite all this, which sounds pretty troubling, I still have this awful habit of trying to convince myself and everyone else that I'm fine. I'll laugh at a meme on my phone and instantly tell myself "well clearly you're not depressed then", but then later that day start crying my eyes out because I dropped a spoon on the floor.
My family are pretty reserved emotionally and not very physically affectionate either; my dad's autistic and he's super uncomfortable talking about feelings - something that definitely passed onto me. I shy away from affection, though I crave it so badly I have no idea how to navigate it. I struggle to be sincere and use humour as a coping mechanism, taking the piss out of my own suffering so it seems less serious. But there's only so long you can keep this up for before it starts to eat you away from the inside. I fear I'm becoming so severely depressed that I can't even see the funny side anymore. I'm so sad and so lost, I want to be able to talk about it with my friends and family without feeling like a total downer and wanting to crawl out of my skin and disappear. I'm so scared people will think I'm too damaged to be worth being friends with and won't want to put up with my issues, so I even when they ask "dude are you okay?", of course I tell them "yeah I'm fine".

I just want a fucking hug, man.
Big huge hugs to you xxxxx. Here if you need to talk xx
 
Q

queerghost

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 14, 2020
Messages
67
Location
Italy
I usually get depressed in the winter time, but with this year being the absolute shit show that it has, it's no surprise that this is the worst I've been yet.
I suffer with anxiety which has been next-level bad recently too, so adding depression to the mix just makes things all the more difficult. The anxiety still definitely outweighs the depression, so at least I've not completely succumbed to the apathy quite yet, I must still care if I feel anxious, right?. I have no hope for the future, no career goals, no motivation or will to live. I barely eat. The overwhelming anxiety just makes me feel even more miserable, and being depressed makes me anxious that I'm going to ruin my life and relationships and end up jobless because I can't physically bring myself to get up most days.

Despite all this, which sounds pretty troubling, I still have this awful habit of trying to convince myself and everyone else that I'm fine. I'll laugh at a meme on my phone and instantly tell myself "well clearly you're not depressed then", but then later that day start crying my eyes out because I dropped a spoon on the floor.
My family are pretty reserved emotionally and not very physically affectionate either; my dad's autistic and he's super uncomfortable talking about feelings - something that definitely passed onto me. I shy away from affection, though I crave it so badly I have no idea how to navigate it. I struggle to be sincere and use humour as a coping mechanism, taking the piss out of my own suffering so it seems less serious. But there's only so long you can keep this up for before it starts to eat you away from the inside. I fear I'm becoming so severely depressed that I can't even see the funny side anymore. I'm so sad and so lost, I want to be able to talk about it with my friends and family without feeling like a total downer and wanting to crawl out of my skin and disappear. I'm so scared people will think I'm too damaged to be worth being friends with and won't want to put up with my issues, so I even when they ask "dude are you okay?", of course I tell them "yeah I'm fine".

I just want a fucking hug, man.
I feel the exact same way. I’ll do something during the day like laugh with my partner or be able to get some work done without getting distracted and I’ll think “I guess I’m not depressed I’m just lazy” and then the next day I’ll struggle to get out of bed and be crying all day. Me questioning my depression has caused me a lot of anxiety as well as I feel as if I don’t know what I’m really feeling and I’m not in control. Something which helps confirm to yourself that your emotions are real and they are important is definitely talking to a therapist, it’s a very difficult step to make but once you’ve made it, you feel listened to and you start to realize that any positive thing that happens to you does not directly take away from all the suffering in your mind.
 
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