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I'm in a relationship now, but I've already lied. I don't know what to do

C

coggoblin

Member
Joined
Feb 8, 2020
Messages
17
Location
United States
So I'm pretty sure I have histrionic personality disorder. I haven't been diagnosed but I've never read a description of a disorder that so accurately described my tendencies. My lying is shameful, I know that. If I could control it I would. If I could be someone else I would. I just made things official with a boy I've been talking to for a while and I'm so happy to be with him but part of me knows he would not want to be with me if he found out about the lies I've already told him. Every time I talk to someone new I always tell myself I'll be honest this time around, and it's definitely gotten better but I still can't stop myself from lying and I feel so fucking awful about it. I've lied about a few things, less than I've lied to anyone else but still too much, funny stories in my life, sexual experiences, exaggerated about how interesting some of the people I know are(maybe just one person actually, but I can't really remember- doesn't matter,) but worst of all about sexual trauma. I have been sexually abused in the past, that much is true, but one of the significant things I told him about is fabricated. It doesn't blame anyone nor would it have consequences for anyone (like nobody would be held accountable because I act as if I don't know who "did it") but I'm such a pathetic phony for saying it. I know why I do it, I use these excuses to try and make excuses my difficulties with sex even though he would be understanding about it regardless. Why I didn't just stick to the truth is beyond me, I've told this story countless times though and know I can't ever tell truth without people leaving me or looking at me differently for the rest of my life. I wish I never made it up. I know I'd never do anything to hurt him, I care about him a lot and can tell he cares for me and I don't want to let him go but what I've done is so wrong. Honesty is so important in a relationship and I've already started it out with lies. I think most of what he likes about me is not based on lies, but I know if he were to know about that lie in specific would make him leave me. He's been cheated on and lied to a lot before and he doesn't deserve to deal with more lies. Again, I'd never tell a lie that I know would hurt him (although one could obviously argue that any lie is hurtful) and I would never ever cheat but all he'd know is that I'm willing to lie about significant things and I wouldn't blame him for assuming I'd lie about the way I feel about him. The things I do for sympathy or to seem impressive are just really really pathetic and again, if I could just flip a switch and change the way things are I would. Hell, if I could make it so the terrible thing I said happened to me actually happen I would because I deserve that for constantly telling people it did. He's so cool and nice and I don't want to lie anymore but I also don't want to admit to the lies and lose him because he's helped me so much to be comfortable with myself. I don't know if there's any advice anyone could give me because the damage is done to a point where there are no good outcomes, but I guess being heard helps enough. Thanks to anyone who read all this x
 
Antimatter

Antimatter

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2020
Messages
889
Location
UK
Didn't take too long to read. Well pretty simples really, stop lying and move forward. He likes you as yo are now. Explain the diificulties with sex over dinner/pizza and bottle of wine/beers together. Am sure he will support you x
 
Tin Woodman

Tin Woodman

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 26, 2020
Messages
62
Location
Washington, US
So I'm pretty sure I have histrionic personality disorder. I haven't been diagnosed but I've never read a description of a disorder that so accurately described my tendencies. My lying is shameful, I know that. If I could control it I would. If I could be someone else I would. I just made things official with a boy I've been talking to for a while and I'm so happy to be with him but part of me knows he would not want to be with me if he found out about the lies I've already told him. Every time I talk to someone new I always tell myself I'll be honest this time around, and it's definitely gotten better but I still can't stop myself from lying and I feel so fucking awful about it. I've lied about a few things, less than I've lied to anyone else but still too much, funny stories in my life, sexual experiences, exaggerated about how interesting some of the people I know are(maybe just one person actually, but I can't really remember- doesn't matter,) but worst of all about sexual trauma. I have been sexually abused in the past, that much is true, but one of the significant things I told him about is fabricated. It doesn't blame anyone nor would it have consequences for anyone (like nobody would be held accountable because I act as if I don't know who "did it") but I'm such a pathetic phony for saying it. I know why I do it, I use these excuses to try and make excuses my difficulties with sex even though he would be understanding about it regardless. Why I didn't just stick to the truth is beyond me, I've told this story countless times though and know I can't ever tell truth without people leaving me or looking at me differently for the rest of my life. I wish I never made it up. I know I'd never do anything to hurt him, I care about him a lot and can tell he cares for me and I don't want to let him go but what I've done is so wrong. Honesty is so important in a relationship and I've already started it out with lies. I think most of what he likes about me is not based on lies, but I know if he were to know about that lie in specific would make him leave me. He's been cheated on and lied to a lot before and he doesn't deserve to deal with more lies. Again, I'd never tell a lie that I know would hurt him (although one could obviously argue that any lie is hurtful) and I would never ever cheat but all he'd know is that I'm willing to lie about significant things and I wouldn't blame him for assuming I'd lie about the way I feel about him. The things I do for sympathy or to seem impressive are just really really pathetic and again, if I could just flip a switch and change the way things are I would. Hell, if I could make it so the terrible thing I said happened to me actually happen I would because I deserve that for constantly telling people it did. He's so cool and nice and I don't want to lie anymore but I also don't want to admit to the lies and lose him because he's helped me so much to be comfortable with myself. I don't know if there's any advice anyone could give me because the damage is done to a point where there are no good outcomes, but I guess being heard helps enough. Thanks to anyone who read all this x
Hello, I have read everything you have shared and would like to give some input. I do not believe that you should feel shame for anything you may have done in the past. We all lie from time to time. we all make mistakes. You are not "weird" or "strange". If you feel dissatisfied with your actions than you are the only person capable of making positive change within yourself. We all have agency, blessed with and cursed with the ability to either do good or evil. Draw from your inner strength and do what you believe is right, even if it might make others uncomfortable.

I have lied, I have done terrible things to other people. The only time I ever felt like things were getting better is when I became more honest with people. More honest with myself.

I really hope you find what you are looking for here, and I wish you luck.
 
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