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I'm hurting

Dave.P

Dave.P

Member
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
12
Location
Preston
This morning I felt ok, a little anoyed that I couldn't sleep, a little nervous about my uni work, but not manic or depressed. I talked to my girlfriend about the sleep thing and it started a sort of argument, I don't know why? I wasn't rude or malicious, it was just a normal chat. I only wanted an ear. She got mad and walked away out of the house. Then I got mad. I punched a mirror, and cut myself twice. The second cut was really bad, hospital, stiches and the Doc said 'see your GP tomorrow' and that was it.
I have cut myself before but it's normally when I'm really depressed and at rock bottom and I've not done it in a year, thought it was history!
I didn't cut myself to get back at my girlfriend for abandoning me mid-chat, I'm not that selfish. I found myself alone, a red mist in my mind, hell bent on distruction, and that's when I cut deep. No pain. No shame. In a fury that I couldn't control!

I say I've not done that for a while but recently a 'cut yourself' voice has been in my mind (not normal for me at all). I've been pretty happy of recent, so I thought nothing of it but it popped up today and the damage is done. I told my girlfriend that the idea of cutting myself was in my mind about 2 weeks ago, we were aware of it but why did I do it today?

I'm really lost.

My rapid cycling bipolar has changed over the past year. Less anxious but shorter temper. Less sad, more frustrated. Fewer emotions generally.
It feels like they are suppressed, trying to get out. I don't know if it's my tablets (mirtrazine) which I have been on for 6 months?

I'm scared that if it happens again it may be worse.

Bugger................
 
emski

emski

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 15, 2008
Messages
1,151
Location
North West
I'm sorry to hear you feel lost, Dave. I feel like that sometimes myself. Bipolar disorders of any type rarely behave themselves and manifest in a way that we are used to and can always recognise - there are few sufferers who always have the same kinds of symptoms, triggers and patterns. It's just like that - one huge spectrum. I think I've felt a lot of those shades, and I have definitely changed from being panicky and anxious, to more frustrated, short-tempered and agitated.

I can't say whether it is down to your meds or what. The really good thing is that you do recognise how you are feeling now and don't want things to escalate and get worse where you might have even less control. You have done well to share this here. If you are seeing your doctor about the cuts tomorrow, you might wanna tell them how you are feeling. I hope you have a good rapport with your GP and hope you get the support you need. :hug:
 
T

TOONAFISH

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2008
Messages
2,686
Location
Bonnie Scotland
((((dave)))) sorry your feeling like that. hope your cuts are healing. are you talking with your gf now?? i agree you should talk to your gp. sorry i cant be any help x:hug:
 
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