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I'm hoping this isn't a long post.



Mar 30, 2015

I've been having problems for a good few years now, and was hoping to find people to help.

Recently my life has gone downhill yet again, but now I'm expected to pull myself back up again. So here is my try.

For 4 years I've been struggling with panic disorder after discovering it when with a previous boyfriend. He turned violent as he didn't like seeing me like that, and I suffered for 2 years. and then he finally left.

I was at some of my worst until I got free.

But then another worst happened - my twin sister fell out with my mum after doing something really awful. My mum couldn't cope, my sister moved out. My mum forced me to move house with her and another lady who had bullied me and my sister from a young age.

I sought help - but none came. My teacher told me I'd 'ruined my boyfriends life' after they finally found out that he'd hit me. Everyone in the school turned against me - either telling me I was a lier, or that he was good for doing it. I did get a guy to talk to for some time from the school, but he didn't know what to do as he knew no one was listening to me.

I lost 2 stone in less than a week. I was already underweight.

I moved house. It seemed hopeful. I forced myself to attend my new college although it was a 6 hour journey every day. But I didn't want to lose my dream college or my closest of friends I had. I was lucky to have them at that point.

But it was too much to deal with. I began getting ill from the trips when it begun to get to winter, and I was late to every morning lesson. My grades dropped from A Level A's to E's within a quarter of a year. I moved into my aunts house - but she was never there. She went round to the neighbours every night as he husband had just left her.

But I loved it when I was there - my friends. The work. I even managed to meet someone very dear to me.

But it hasn't lasted. And now it's a turn for the worst. I can't cope. I can't.

My dad doesn't want me anywhere near, my mum tried to commit suicide. I relocated college and couldn't cope with the people as nobody wanted to know me or be around me, no matter how hard I tried. They said such nasty things, and I could never even find a place to sit. I dropped out of college as I was getting rather bad panic attacks about 6 times a day whilst I was in school - and I couldn't even sit in lesson without having to walk out as I didn't want to freeze or cry in front of the whole class when it ended.

I was so weak from my previous weight loss even when trying to gain it that my knees gave way when walking - spraining it in the process - my muscles misaligned with the nerves to cause great pain for about six months. It is now a permanent problem as I can't seem to gain enough weight to support it.

My parents don't understand and neither do my grandparents. They don't understand I was getting depressed, they didn't even know about my current problem - and there was no way I could tell them.

I feel like a disappointment. I couldn't even find an apprenticeship - even with my grades I'd tried so hard to achieve.

So now I'm in a job. But on my first day I had to rush out as my boyfriend was walking out and I just couldn't cope.

I'm afraid I'll have to quit everything I start as I just can't handle it.

And I will never achieve the high goals I have always set for myself to do well.

Now I can't see my friends as they're so far away and I never speak with them as I'm so scared of making them sad, I don't know if my boyfriend is ever coming back, my job is potentially lost, and my home is a total waste most days as I have to avoid everyone in it. I have nothing I want anymore. Nothing I really hold close. I don't even know if there is anything else I want anymore, as I fear I'll just lose it again.

I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I've failed everything I've tried to accomplish.
I feel terrified every day. But now also like I can't take it any longer.


Well-known member
Aug 17, 2012
The West Country
I'm really sorry to hear about all the different things you've been through.

The reaction you got when you spoke out about your boyfriend is absolutely shocking - nobody should have to go through being stigmatised like that when they have been the victim. I wish you'd had the support you deserve when you were brave enough to reach out. :unsure:

I'm not quite following where you live now - are you at your Aunt's still?
I really want to say to you that you shouldn't give up with regards to wanting more and achieving more. Lots of adults go back to college to improve on their grades.
Is there a college you could go to that you haven't been to before, so that you could make a fresh start?
Personally, I love education and think that any chance you have to learn you should take.

Have you sought help from a GP about your panic attacks, weight issues and muscular problems?
Obviously that's a lot to tackle at once, but if you had some support it might have a knock-on effect and you'll find other things improve.

Your past problems don't have to define your future so please don't feel like this is your lot and you can't achieve anything else, because that's not true. You just need a bit of support and encouragement. :hug1:
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