I'm hopeless

[hierophantgreen]

Hello,

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong thread. But I need to be heard. I have never been diagnosed, but it's something that has stuck with me forever and depression is the closest thing I can link to it.

To make it short, I'm always sad, I always feel guilty, lowkey always think of destroying myself and dying young. I also always think about violence, which is odd since I never really was violent. I keep resorting to ways of escapism (movies, music, games, books whatever) to distract me to the point where I put these things in priority cause if I don't, I'll feel extremely sad and stare at the wall for hours instead of doing my work. It's either this or I have a billion thoughts running through my mind that'll make me unable to read a single line.

I am a university student, but I don't like what I study as it is very different than my "dream career" (if we're even allowed to dream anymore). Please don't tell me to change my major, I tried, but I have very controlling parents even though they live in a whole other country. I can't survive without them helping me since I legally cannot work enough hours to actually support myself (I'm a foreigner). The only way I can break free from this is by having my degree and completely detaching myself from my parents (I mean, our main tie is financial, we broke the emotionnal link a long time ago. I don't tell them anything about me anymore since my only existence seem to upset them to the core).

I can't really go back to my homecountry since I'm gay and here, in Europe, is the relatively safest place for me. And honestly, I really don't want to go back to living with my parents. They only seem to be bearable when we have a full continent between us. I don't hate them, not at all, but I grew up feeling constantly guilty because of things they say that they end up not even remembering. The little bit of self confidence I have today couldn't be acquired if I didn't leave home.

I also can't go to the therapist, the one in my university is overbooked, and the only appointements available are always 3 months away from today. Plus, the last time I went, the therapist was nice, but I feel like I overshare too much the minute someone lets me speak. And then, because of that, I feel annoying and regret everything I ever said or done, and the cycle goes on. This prevents me from opening up to my friends, or if I ever do, I feel guilty of worrying them.

I can't open up to my parents either, the last time I did it went so bad it was the last time I ever told them anything that wasn't a fun fact or related to school. My mother made me look like the villain, and I actually believed it for a while, and thought it was my fault I always thought of these bad things like dying, or doing stupid risky shit cause I don't really value my life that much.

I have 0 motivations, 0 ambitions, and it makes me sad cause I used to be really hopeful in life. I also used to be really smart, now all I know how to do is watch movies, cry and smoke.

I don't even know. There's so much things I want to say but again, I feel like I wrote way too much, and will probably feel stupid for writing this. I'm very very very sad. I can't function unless I obssess over a show or know trivia from something. Please help me.

 

[LokiPokey75]

Hi hierophantgreen,

Welcome to the forum! I'm so sorry to hear how much you are burdened by this. I've suffered with OCD and depression for years and it does sound like you have the signs of depression. My relationship with my mother has been difficult as well, and through therapy I've learned the reasons why.

For you to really ever move past the pain you're feeling, you need to be okay with it, sit with it for awhile. Remove the judgments and the fears you have of your own feelings. Because that's what you are -- you're afraid of yourself. My mother is a wonderful person, but when I was little I said to her, "I don't know if I love you because I don't know what love is." In other words, I was saying, "You're not giving me what I need so I don't feel the things for you that I should." That's what therapy showed me, and left me feeling like I'm not a monster because of it. I know that despite my mother's kindness, good intentions, and care, I still wish I had a different mother. I wish I had somebody growing up that I connected with more emotionally. My mom wasn't that person.

It seems like you don't have that person either. And instead of letting yourself vent at therapy, you're blaming yourself for revealing too much. Like I said, you need to take away those judgments because when you do, you start to see yourself in a different way. Your decisions and your actions start to reflect who you are without the consequence of guilt.

For a long time, I suffered from lethargy. Ambition is hard to come by when your growth has been stunted to the point where you no longer feel capable in your own life.

You talk about wanting to commit suicide? I've been there many times. I still think about it. It's pretty easy to get a gun where I live so I always keep that in mind. But just know that it's okay to think about dying. Sometimes the thought of taking our own life is the one thing we have control over.

You're not in control right now (especially in your career) so it's hard to keep going. "What's the point of living if I'm always going to do something I hate while disappointing my parents?" Am I right?

I'm not homosexual, but I'm sure that adds another layer to it as well. Regardless, you need to keep talking to your therapist. Right down your thoughts if it helps in a journal. And keep coming to us too. We're always here to offer a helping hand.

You haven't written too much, revealed too much, said too much. You need to get it all out there, because once it's all out there on the table, that's when you can do something about it. hierophantgreen, you deserve a good life with a career and a partner that you love. Take some time to think about what your needs are and you how can fulfill them. Then talk to your therapist.

Thank you for coming to us. We're glad you reached out. Keep doing so! We're here for you!

 

[Talina]

It’s nothing wrong to talk and let out your emotion. The worse thing you can do is bottling everything up which myself have always done. It becomes a struggle after a time. So don’t feel your are doing something wrong by talking about your feelings and yourself.

What you describe make it sound like you have depression. I have depression and social anxiety, totally a struggle when studying at uni. I’m a master at escaping, so I have taken away a few of my escape, just to force myself to keep on studying.

It will be good that you find a therapist and keep on using the university therapist to talk to. If you have a really good friends it can be good doing things together and talking with them.

I use routines and taking one day at a time, to handle things in every day life. It make things easier to go through the days for me.

You can use the forum to let out steam and vent, it can help easing your emotions up and many people are online different time of the day