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I'm here to try to understand better

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onthepath

New member
Joined
Feb 13, 2019
Messages
1
Location
ascot
#1
My disproval and hatrid for myself creates a viciously
intense obsession (two, that I am not obliged to
disclose) that causes me deeply-rooted social
anxiety and harmful introspection.
I consider myself an introvert, although I can remember
a time when I did not feel an urge or particular
comfort in being alone; as I do now.
I have been known to engage in long and short bouts with
depression, self evaluation and self seclusion.
I believe past and childhood traumas that my mind has
not properly processed as well as drug abuse, is to
blame for my sometimes too clear and too "literal"
depiction of reality. While also causing delusional
memories, from which I draw my most intense emotional
pain.
I find myself almost addicted to this search for deep and
emotional pain, as if to intensify and engage with it
is to relieve myself of it for a long period of time
(3 days).
I sometimes smoke weed to forcefully become inflicted
with my deepest and darkest thoughts and fears, so I
can keep them somewhat regressed in my day to day with
a fleeting sense of resolution.
I oftentimes, when in the privacy of my own mind,
declare myself an undiscovered genius or un-mentored
intellectual. I assume it a normal product of delusional
arrogance, once I dissuade my minds state of overwhelming
rational and emotional thought.
I seem to stick to a strong set of values,
despite them being selfish and in some cases manipulative.
Which gives me a feeling of happiness rather than
horror towards myself; more a feeling of self
accomplishment than shame.
This, I think, feeds back to my occasionally
manifesting superiority complex - what human
can be considered great without the ability to have
great affect or influence on another persons mind.
That is possibly one of my deepest desires. To be
powerfully influential of another persons mind; the
closer I get to this, the more it validates myself to
myself.
To know of someone else's ignorance and helplessness
is to almost take away from my own ignorance and
helplessness.
I think this is another massive part of my issue.
I engage in giving extremely definitive advice to
people I consider my friends or consider lesser than me
(in any way), which somehow gives my mind a free pass
to not fix itself as it is playing a part in "fixing"
another's. The advice I have given recently, has helped
a 16 year old to look at and decide about his future
from a new perspective - one not at all influenced
by his parents thoughts and beliefs. I ponder on if I
cause people harm by condescendingly spouting my own
personal philosophies without them withstanding the all
important test of time; let alone conducting my own
tests. I dont and will never care. Unless, the culprit
of my inadequacy is eliminated to allow access to my
potential.
note: after writing and proof reading this I dissolved
into thoughts of: only intelligent people are mentally
able and knowledgeable enough to write about themselves
in such a way.(example of delusion or bias)
I then debated with myself whether or not to write:
"(example of possible delusion or bias)" or,
"(example of delusion or bias)"
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Forum Guide
Joined
Jan 2, 2012
Messages
6,219
Location
Teesside
#2
Hi and welcome to the forum! :welcome:
Just wanted to pop by and say hello!
Hopefully some members will come across your thread and offer some helpful advice,
in the meantime... hi.
Hugs
Fox
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
342
Location
California, US
#4
Welcome and hello.

Here's a thought inspired by what you wrote: human ability for self-deception exceeds our ability for self-reflection and self-examination and therefore self-correction. Correcting the distortions in our thinking must involve examination by others, there's simply no means to avoid the pitfalls of bias otherwise.

Together with what you wrote about delusions, depression and trauma, this leads me to ask what experience if any you've had with psychotherapy and cognitive therapy?