• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

I'm here because I'm messed up in the head.

Worshipper

Worshipper

Member
Joined
Sep 20, 2020
Messages
6
Location
somewhere
Hello, and I'm sorry to seem so negative right off the bat, I'm not in a good place mentally, and I'm thinking that I probably won't be ever. I was a happy child for some time, but I began with symptoms of depression at 11 or 10 years old (for the record, I'm currently 21) , and now I don't know anything else. People see themselves in the future, and I'm just surviving day by day, I feel envy and anger for not being able to picture a happy ending, I can't see myself past 3 years from now, when I finish college, what am I going to do y'know? I'm not really aspiring to be anything.

Deep down, I know everyone can overcome their mental illness, that they can live with it, but, it's my stupid head telling me "they can do it, but you can't, you're broken beyond repair" which is bullshit, but you don't that when you're having a breakdown for the second time this week.

I also strongly believe I have ADHD but I can't afford therapy atm sadly, there's some stuff I've got to pay for first, so well. Hopefully I can find people who might be able to help me rationalize my awful thoughts when I'm feeling down, and I can learn coping mechanism and better myself, or maybe I can vent and be listened, which is really good also.
 
B

BrightEyedGirl

Member
Joined
Sep 19, 2020
Messages
11
Location
Canada
Hello and welcome worshipper. I understand very much how you feel, I myself have struggled for many years in feeling like I am getting nowhere in life due to mental illness while I watch others around me surpass me. They are getting married, starting families, buying houses, and there is me standing quietly on the sidelines wishing it was me in their shoes. I know it feels hard to see a positive future, but if you are constantly thinking pessimistically, that is a guarantee that there will never be one. I struggled with this for years not understanding it. I was diagnosed Bipolar Type 2 around 27......they think it manifested around 16, so that was 11 years of hell that I had no idea what was going on in my head flipping back and forth. Depression, anxiety attacks, feeling unworthy of anything and everything, feeling ill so much......but then of course when you hit a high, no one realizes it because you are just "happy". That is why it took 11 years for them to finally realize something was off. I had tried on a few different occasions to try and make them see something was "off", but all I got was "your fine....", this coming from a college counselor and other basic mental health professionals.

I know it is hard to think positively, but that is where I had to start because I have been in many downward spirals toward suicidal thoughts comparing myself to others and feeling incompetent in life, even on medication (thankfully not as bad though). I started to say there must be at least one good thing that has happened today or recently to keep me going. Even simple things like food, water, shelter are a good place to start, as your world would be very different without them, and in today's world we grow up taking them for granted because we have never known a world without them. You made the step to attend college, you are trying to get somewhere, and 3 years is a long time to try and nail down where your future is going. I have learned this time after time, as I will fixate on the future I want and then get handed a whole whack of curve balls, simply sometimes we do not know where we are going until we get there it is just important to try and make the best of the situations and experiences along the way.

You are not broken beyond repair, we just function differently. The stigma of mental illness is such a weight that burdens us all daily, I was born this way, I did not choose to be Bipolar on a random day. Its like my friend had no choice on being diabetic, we are all unique and just need to find the right combination of resources to help manage the day to day or long term goals. Myself I am on basic medication, did some therapy but was sent out the door with the "your good enough to not come back line", but that was a lie, so I self manage now trying to use pieces of cognitive behavioral therapy to help change my thinking patterns to be more positive.

Have you looked into any government funded programs for mental illness? Where I am from you can get counselling free through government healthcare, even assessment and diagnosis. It did not cost me a dime until I started taking medication, but then my work benefits covered a great chunk of that as well.

Talking with others is a relief and comfort from my experience, that is why I am here on this forum too. I live in a small community that mental illness is hush hush, and not spoken about. My family is the same way, if the topic of my Bipolar diagnosis comes up, it is automatically changed because my family will not acknowledge it exists. For coping I myself turned to this forum, and others in the past, it helps knowing others have experienced what I know and feel. As well gives me hope for the future. I have always used music as a coping mechanism, as well as a vast variety of creative crafting practices that spanned from dream catcher and jewelry making, painting, drawing, writing poetry, playing guitar.

Feel free to vent anytime, I will always listen. I kept my emotions bottled up for close to a decade because of fear of rejection and it ended in a numb and severely depressed me, which was a very dark and scary place in my head. I never want to go back there, and I hope to god I can help others from ever going there, you never know if you are going to come back out and unfortunately in the past I have known people personally growing up that never did.

Keep your head up, and try to stay positive. If I could make it through the shit storm I have witnessed called my life, I KNOW you and others can too.
 
Worshipper

Worshipper

Member
Joined
Sep 20, 2020
Messages
6
Location
somewhere
Hello and welcome worshipper. I understand very much how you feel, I myself have struggled for many years in feeling like I am getting nowhere in life due to mental illness while I watch others around me surpass me. They are getting married, starting families, buying houses, and there is me standing quietly on the sidelines wishing it was me in their shoes. I know it feels hard to see a positive future, but if you are constantly thinking pessimistically, that is a guarantee that there will never be one. I struggled with this for years not understanding it. I was diagnosed Bipolar Type 2 around 27......they think it manifested around 16, so that was 11 years of hell that I had no idea what was going on in my head flipping back and forth. Depression, anxiety attacks, feeling unworthy of anything and everything, feeling ill so much......but then of course when you hit a high, no one realizes it because you are just "happy". That is why it took 11 years for them to finally realize something was off. I had tried on a few different occasions to try and make them see something was "off", but all I got was "your fine....", this coming from a college counselor and other basic mental health professionals.
Funny enough, after seeing a psychiatrist I was told I probably was bipolar and had to take some tests to further prove that, but it was a really really expensive process and we couldn't get through with it. My dad told me it was probably not true, and stuff, which, I doubt. Maybe I'm bipolar too, but for now, I don't really know, so maybe our experiences aren't far from each other.

You are not broken beyond repair, we just function differently. The stigma of mental illness is such a weight that burdens us all daily, I was born this way, I did not choose to be Bipolar on a random day. Its like my friend had no choice on being diabetic, we are all unique and just need to find the right combination of resources to help manage the day to day or long term goals. Myself I am on basic medication, did some therapy but was sent out the door with the "your good enough to not come back line", but that was a lie, so I self manage now trying to use pieces of cognitive behavioral therapy to help change my thinking patterns to be more positive.
It's true, I have a family with severe depression, and some of my other family treat them like they're crazy for being medicated for it, it's really painful to see, especially coming from really close family members.
And hey, I'm glad to hear you've have come a long way and have learned good coping mechanisms, hopefully, I will get there as well.

Have you looked into any government funded programs for mental illness? Where I am from you can get counselling free through government healthcare, even assessment and diagnosis. It did not cost me a dime until I started taking medication, but then my work benefits covered a great chunk of that as well.
I haven't, but I've got a cousin that was getting therapy this way, I might need to talk with my dad about it (I'm not the most independent person, rip), he has the thought of "why go to public x when we can pay for private" when isn't always true. The only problem on my mind is, that I'm comfortable with my current therapist, and I felt really good talking to him, in comparison to my past therapist, they weren't bad but I wasn't in total confidence with them.
I've been thinking more and more about getting back therapy, but the problem is always money, I'm getting treatment for cavities soon + braces, it's a shitton of money, and because of that, I've been quiet about how my mental health is declining. But seeing my current state, I might need to see other options. Who knows, maybe I'll find a therapist I feel comfortable with as well, and I might get a diagnosis, that's all that I want really.

Talking with others is a relief and comfort from my experience, that is why I am here on this forum too. I live in a small community that mental illness is hush hush, and not spoken about. My family is the same way, if the topic of my Bipolar diagnosis comes up, it is automatically changed because my family will not acknowledge it exists. For coping I myself turned to this forum, and others in the past, it helps knowing others have experienced what I know and feel.
I feel the same way, I wish I could talk more with people IRL who are also struggling like me or had in the past, but it's also a very taboo topic.

As well gives me hope for the future. I have always used music as a coping mechanism, as well as a vast variety of creative crafting practices that spanned from dream catcher and jewelry making, painting, drawing, writing poetry, playing guitar.
I have quite a few hobbies, and I'm currently studying animation, which is my passion! But mental illness is in the way, sometimes I sleep through my classes and I get my work done the day before, it's just pure stress, I get overwhelmed super easily. I want to enjoy my career and my hobbies more. I love music as well, and drawing in general, I'm a cartoon enthusiast haha, these things keep me going, it's nice we share some hobbies!

Feel free to vent anytime, I will always listen. I kept my emotions bottled up for close to a decade because of fear of rejection and it ended in a numb and severely depressed me, which was a very dark and scary place in my head. I never want to go back there, and I hope to god I can help others from ever going there, you never know if you are going to come back out and unfortunately in the past I have known people personally growing up that never did.

Keep your head up, and try to stay positive. If I could make it through the shit storm I have witnessed called my life, I KNOW you and others can too.
Thank you so much!, the same goes for you! If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me! Sometimes I join and leave forums like it's nothing, so I apologize in advance if you don't hear back from me ;_;
 
B

BrightEyedGirl

Member
Joined
Sep 19, 2020
Messages
11
Location
Canada
I was asked to keep a journal, thoughts, feelings, behaviours, and rate my mood on a scale of 1-10 (one depressed, ten manic) just to see if there were patterns.

I am sure my mom is a undiagnosed Bipolar 2, bipolar is known for running in families as well. She has wicked mood swings sometimes and odd thoughts that have caught my eye or have been directed at me for no reason, she would never go and get it checked out though, especially how I see how they respond to my diagnosis. My siblings know and are supportive, but there is not much they can do, I talk to them when I am feeling down so that at least helps. None of my extended family know, because you know that would bring "shame" to the family name, what a crock. I understand how it hurts to hear people close to you talk down to your family members with the severe depression, I have heard comments from my boyfriend about "bipolar people", but the thing is he does not know I am yet. We have been dating 6 months, and it is just not a topic I want to bring up this early in the relationship. But he keeps making degrading comments that secretly boil my blood, so either I will snap one day and break up with him or sit him down and be like listen and learn.

You will get there, everyone finds their own coping mechanisms over time. Some will be the same as others and some will be completely unique to yourself, such as your animation that sounds very interesting! Do what feels the most comfortable to you and your family, if you would prefer a private therapist, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, hopefully no matter which route you take they will be able to answer your questions. Bipolar people are known for having creative streaks in them (I see this very clearly in myself now), so this natural creative trait actually may help you than hinder you in your future if you continue to draw and pursue animation :)

I understand about disappearing on forums, usually for me its time restraints. I work a lot, so trying to squish time in for the boyfriend, my family, and even time for myself can be hard and stressful. Either way, it is nice to meet and chat with you, you seem like a very down to earth person. That is a wonderful trait, especially when going through a difficult time like this.
 
Worshipper

Worshipper

Member
Joined
Sep 20, 2020
Messages
6
Location
somewhere
Thank you so much, your message helped me a lot, it's nice to feel heard and understood <3
 
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