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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I'm having trouble dealing with knowing I shouldn't have kids.

F

flimsydeckchair

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Joined
Nov 22, 2020
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1
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All my life I was adamant I wouldn't have kids because I was always frightened of sex and thought it to be the most disgusting thing ever, and was very afraid of childbirth because of my hypochondriac mother making out like it's the absolute most hideous and painful experience to endure. Plus most adults love to throw around the whole "wait until you have kids then you'll know all about it" attitude - so I figured it's obviously tough work and not worth all the pain and suffering.

As I got older, ethics also became a strong reason for me too. I figured, I am riddled with mental health issues and I know that they can be passed on genetically. I didn't want to bring another person to this earth to suffer through what I have had to. Along with this, I can see the world turning to shit slowly because of things like global warming and wondered if it was right of me to bring somebody into a world that may not be very nice to live in by the time they are old enough to enjoy it.

Of course, I am older now (nearly 24) and I am actually doing fine, mentally I am stable and well, I am rational and don't give in to my emotions easily, and I just feel ready. I can't explain it but it's like my body wanted me to be mentally sound before even thinking about having kids seriously. Now that I am doing better, I want to live a good, full life and I don't honestly want much but two things: I want to buy a house and I want a baby. My boyfriend said a few months ago that he would be happy to have a baby with me at some point so I am guessing that's still the case since we haven't spoken of it since, but he is 20 years older than me and I just feel as though I am pushing my luck as it is. I can't get over the hurdle of ethics, either.

I know that BPD doesn't necessarily always get passed on, and I feel certain I am stable enough to not give the type of childhood where it would be brought out in a child. I also know that I can handle strong emotions, and feel comfortable helping my child deal with theirs especially if they are very sensitive like me so that they can manage themselves healthily. That isn't the problem so much. Lately, ever since covid, it honestly feels like the world is heading in a bad direction - I know that people have made it through much worse (such as WWII) and come out the other end, but I feel selfish wanting to bring a child into a world like this that was already difficult to navigate pre-covid, just because I want a family. I don't know how to describe it but I just feel like it's not something that could ever happen for me no matter how badly I want it.

Has anyone else had to deal with this realization that having kids isn't a good idea? How did you cope with it? I have tried looking online but I only get results for people who are infertile unfortunately, which is a whole different problem and I can't compare myself to.
 
S

swillis

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Joined
Nov 18, 2017
Messages
274
Location
UK
Personally I'm not going to have children, unless there are exceptional circumstances or a change in my lifestyle that I feel would help me to raise a child. I don't believe people with mental health problems should generally have children, but it's my opinion, it's a strong one and you don't have to believe it too. I just personally feel it's a bit immoral to birth a child who would not have the highest quality of life. BUT, there are situations where children born of unwell parents have no problems whatsoever and live full and better lives than their parents.

I'm a guy and I've thought about it a fair bit. Especially about the ethics of bringing a child into a world that appears at first to be declining, which it isn't necessarily.

I rationalised it by keeping it relative. We currently have the have the highest quality of living of all time in the UK, the west and most of the world right now. There are no major conflicts, we have what I would consider a mild pandemic, which does not affect children at all (Except rare cases). The welfare system is strong in my country, I'm not sure where you're from, but if its the UK be reassured by the fact that we have a strong welfare system. The health care across the world exceptional right now (Obviously not perfect and will get better, but we can almost entirely cure cancer).

But yeah, it's your choice, if you feel ready, your boyfriend feels ready, you've thought about it and planned it financially, strategically and emotionally then go for it.

It's a challenge though, so if you are unsure, always wait.
 
EarthChild

EarthChild

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Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
163
Location
Cape Town South Africa
I didn't want kids precisely because of the difficulties and my mental illness but if a person wants kids then by all means go ahead. The world has always been a challenging place. Each era had its difficulties and people always had kids.

So what I'm trying to say is its a personal decision not necessarily depending on the worldview. 😊
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

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Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
1,054
Location
Netherlands
All my life I was adamant I wouldn't have kids because I was always frightened of sex and thought it to be the most disgusting thing ever, and was very afraid of childbirth because of my hypochondriac mother making out like it's the absolute most hideous and painful experience to endure. Plus most adults love to throw around the whole "wait until you have kids then you'll know all about it" attitude - so I figured it's obviously tough work and not worth all the pain and suffering.

As I got older, ethics also became a strong reason for me too. I figured, I am riddled with mental health issues and I know that they can be passed on genetically. I didn't want to bring another person to this earth to suffer through what I have had to. Along with this, I can see the world turning to shit slowly because of things like global warming and wondered if it was right of me to bring somebody into a world that may not be very nice to live in by the time they are old enough to enjoy it.

Of course, I am older now (nearly 24) and I am actually doing fine, mentally I am stable and well, I am rational and don't give in to my emotions easily, and I just feel ready. I can't explain it but it's like my body wanted me to be mentally sound before even thinking about having kids seriously. Now that I am doing better, I want to live a good, full life and I don't honestly want much but two things: I want to buy a house and I want a baby. My boyfriend said a few months ago that he would be happy to have a baby with me at some point so I am guessing that's still the case since we haven't spoken of it since, but he is 20 years older than me and I just feel as though I am pushing my luck as it is. I can't get over the hurdle of ethics, either.

I know that BPD doesn't necessarily always get passed on, and I feel certain I am stable enough to not give the type of childhood where it would be brought out in a child. I also know that I can handle strong emotions, and feel comfortable helping my child deal with theirs especially if they are very sensitive like me so that they can manage themselves healthily. That isn't the problem so much. Lately, ever since covid, it honestly feels like the world is heading in a bad direction - I know that people have made it through much worse (such as WWII) and come out the other end, but I feel selfish wanting to bring a child into a world like this that was already difficult to navigate pre-covid, just because I want a family. I don't know how to describe it but I just feel like it's not something that could ever happen for me no matter how badly I want it.

Has anyone else had to deal with this realization that having kids isn't a good idea? How did you cope with it? I have tried looking online but I only get results for people who are infertile unfortunately, which is a whole different problem and I can't compare myself to.
To be honest all your dealing with i do 2.
Ethics, my bpd, other illnesses in my husbands line. Im not sure either and im 25. I think i wait 5 more years so how this goes...
 
W

Wanttofeelpeace5

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
803
Location
New zealand
its such an individual choice . i have 2 amazing kids and am so proud of them . i tell them i love them and am so proud of them everyday , but as everyone says it can sometimes be an individual choice . my babies are 20 and 24 and i love them darely . do what is right for you and im sure that will end up right for them xx
 
PurplePrinny80s

PurplePrinny80s

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 12, 2020
Messages
74
Location
Baltimore
Up until my 20s, I wanted 5 kids. But then I discovered that I have mental health issues my family had been hiding from me and normalizing as laziness, selfishness, and hate. Paired with being in poverty until a few years ago, my wife (trans so we could have biological kids) and I decided we would not be good parents. I have dedicated myself to be the best aunt ever though. I'm closer with some of my aunts and uncles than I am with my parents because they were there for me when I was young. It meant a lot. People told me I hated kids and would not be fulfilled if I did not have kids. They live sad lives. You do you. Kids are a huge sacrifice that should not be taken as lightly as it commonly is.
 
Crazyswede

Crazyswede

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
50
Location
Norfolk
My son is 21, and the best thing I ever did was decide to become pregnant ( he is my only child and I had him when I was almost 33). My sons father is an undiagnosed covert narcissist, and thankfully his traits have not been passed on !

You are still young and have many years ahead of you, and although your partner is older, men are fertile pretty much up until the moment they pass away ( unless they have some sort of medical problem). Perhaps wait a while longer till you feel comfortable with whatever decision you make ( to have, or not to have).

As for your MH, we are all dysfunctional to some degree or another , and it does not follow that you will pass on any of your own issues to a child.
 
T

Trigger_warning

Member
Joined
Jan 11, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Singapore
Here's my thoughts. Just because you "feel" like something doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. I'm an atheist and I believe in science. And imo if you're bringing another LIVING CREATURE into this world it's really unfair to not think about how they would feel trapped in this world that you are. BPD is the other name for having one feeling one day and another feeling the next moment. Our friends and partners are BARELY holding on to us why would we be any different for a child? Yes the world has always been crappy and always will be so let's keep creating more people who want to end their lives and be in pain, how's that healthy or logical or rational? Sorry if I'm being crass but being born with parents who had mental issues and being abused will do that to you.
 
L

Lostlady333

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 1, 2020
Messages
159
Location
Christchurch
All my life I was adamant I wouldn't have kids because I was always frightened of sex and thought it to be the most disgusting thing ever, and was very afraid of childbirth because of my hypochondriac mother making out like it's the absolute most hideous and painful experience to endure. Plus most adults love to throw around the whole "wait until you have kids then you'll know all about it" attitude - so I figured it's obviously tough work and not worth all the pain and suffering.

As I got older, ethics also became a strong reason for me too. I figured, I am riddled with mental health issues and I know that they can be passed on genetically. I didn't want to bring another person to this earth to suffer through what I have had to. Along with this, I can see the world turning to shit slowly because of things like global warming and wondered if it was right of me to bring somebody into a world that may not be very nice to live in by the time they are old enough to enjoy it.

Of course, I am older now (nearly 24) and I am actually doing fine, mentally I am stable and well, I am rational and don't give in to my emotions easily, and I just feel ready. I can't explain it but it's like my body wanted me to be mentally sound before even thinking about having kids seriously. Now that I am doing better, I want to live a good, full life and I don't honestly want much but two things: I want to buy a house and I want a baby. My boyfriend said a few months ago that he would be happy to have a baby with me at some point so I am guessing that's still the case since we haven't spoken of it since, but he is 20 years older than me and I just feel as though I am pushing my luck as it is. I can't get over the hurdle of ethics, either.

I know that BPD doesn't necessarily always get passed on, and I feel certain I am stable enough to not give the type of childhood where it would be brought out in a child. I also know that I can handle strong emotions, and feel comfortable helping my child deal with theirs especially if they are very sensitive like me so that they can manage themselves healthily. That isn't the problem so much. Lately, ever since covid, it honestly feels like the world is heading in a bad direction - I know that people have made it through much worse (such as WWII) and come out the other end, but I feel selfish wanting to bring a child into a world like this that was already difficult to navigate pre-covid, just because I want a family. I don't know how to describe it but I just feel like it's not something that could ever happen for me no matter how badly I want it.

Has anyone else had to deal with this realization that having kids isn't a good idea? How did you cope with it? I have tried looking online but I only get results for people who are infertile unfortunately, which is a whole different problem and I can't compare myself to.
Personally it is a very individual choice. As long as you have plenty of support, never say never. My kids are my blessings and having them, my mental health was at its best, that little person who loves you unconditionally. And none of them have inherited my bad mental health. I know it can be hereditary, but I believe if they are brought up with love, without abuse, then they may not feel like we do. It’s only now that my kids are grown up that my bpd has come back with full force.
You will make the right decision for you, and you’re still young.
 

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