I'm going insane. I really need help. I'm not insane, am I?

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OnlyaGuest

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#1
I always use to talk to myself when I was younger, I still do. I do it a lot, when I'm alone, and recently I've been doing it everywhere. I have conversations with myself in my head, so sometimes they slip out and someone will ask me. "Who are you talking to?" or "What did you say?" thinking I'm talking to them. I always felt that I had-not different personalities, but that each voice (they all sound like my internal thoughts/my voice) was just a little part of my personality. When I was alone and I needed to make a decision or I got excited/stressed I'd have arguments and fights with myself which many times ended up aloud. But only little snippets of the conversation. Recently it has gotten out of hand... Sometimes I'll be talking aloud and I won't even know what I said. I won't even realize I'm talking, and now the voices have become clearer. They don't have names (I feel like if I name them, I'm admitting to my insanity) but there's a "good" one, a "Bad" one, and then there's my voice. I use to think it was my conscience but it's not. The "good" one is weak, naive, nice, and innocent. She tells me she loves me ALL the time, (no one in my family says that so it means a lot) tells me I'm pretty, and makes me feel good. (she doesn't lie, she's genuine but she's naive) She's also insecure and scared, she's really emotional/girly which I hate. (I hate those kinds of personalities in anyone, and that's not my personality at all) She is also scared to DEATH of the "Bad" one. The bad one is mean, vindictive, violent, a liar, and very much capable of murder. (she talks about killing people all the time, she talks about slitting someones throat as if it's a harmonious piece on the violin. She loves destruction) She tells me I'm pathetic and stupid, she never lets me cry in public, (I literally can't) she hates weak people (she hates the "good" voice. They fight allll the time) and she only cares about self-gain. She convinces me she wants to help, and she literally wants me to become her. I feel like she's the devil trying to use my body as a host. (Only a metaphor, I'm not that crazy) My voice is just me. Normal; and the one who sees the balance between being submissive and aggressive. It use to be that they'd only talk when an important decision is made but now it's gone too far, I don't even know whose talking sometimes. They have extremely strong opinions and the "Bad" one is way stronger than the good one.

For example; 2 days ago, I failed my drivers test, lost my new phone, and missed my ACT test.
The "good" voice came around night time and started crying (i wasn't crying but it's like i felt her sadness) She said "I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did this, I'm such a failure, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I keep fucking up, I try and try to make things better but nothing I do is right...ect" she just whines like a little hopeless girl. Everything she was saying made me sad, so I began to tear up and next thing I know I was talking aloud to myself. It was like she took over my body, I was her, pouring out my feelings. During her monologue the "Bad" one chimed in with "Shut up! Shut up! you're so pathetic? Are you fucking crying? Like a bitch? Want me to give you a reason to cry? You should kill yourself!...ect" once again a loud. And they began fighting with each other aloud. The "Bad" one started hurting the "good" one. (ye, I was sitting in the front room harming myself.) And the "good" one just cried more and begged the "Bad" one to stop. I started screaming for them to stop and they finally shut up. I was myself again. I went to my bathroom and when I looked in the mirror I saw the tears on my face from when I teared up which made the "Bad" one come out again. Aloud, she began to laugh, uncontrollably, and call the "good" one a bitch, and a c*nt, and other names. She then began to compliment herself, and inflate her ego with "you're so pretty, you're so fucking perfect, and if you cry again i'll fucking kill you! Just listen to me and everything will be okay, Hun." And next thing i know I'm feeling happy again, but I know this isn't normal! I knew this wasn't okay, and i started thinking, what is wrong with me? This is not okay, this cannot happen anymore. I'm scared to tell anyone. The "Bad" voice tells me that they'll put me in a mental house and it'll ruin my life. The "good" voice says that that's where I belong because I'm sick and i need help before I do something awful. While my normal voice told me to research and come on here, which I clearly did. I don't know what to do, I wanna talk to a therapist or something but I don't want them to take me anywhere. The "Bad" voice is convincing me that I can sail through life, pretending to be normal and nice if I let her take control. She says she'll do ANYTHING to make sure I'm wealthy and guarantee my succession in life. I know she's a liar; but honestly, I'm finding it hard to differentiate the voices. :shrug:

Basic info: 18 years old. Female. I use to have an eating disorder a couple years ago and the voice in my head "Ana" (Anorexia) would tell me to starve myself . Although, it would never talk aloud, through me. Just a tiny voice in the back of my mind. In fact, till now, I didn't even realize it was a voice. I would just think they were my opinions. I'm a senior in high school and I have so much of my life ahead of me, I have lots of friends and guys that like me. I have people who look up to me in the grades below and what not. They all don't know I'm like this, I'm worried I'll mess everything up. :cry:
 
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Dissatisfied

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#2
I'm not a psychologist - however, I've been on 'OPen Diaologue' training by Rufus May, I've met Eleanor Longdon, Richard Bentall, Rober Whittaker and Marius Roome - I also volunteered for a little bit for Early Intervention Team for psychosis - and I've had psychotic episodes (2 major ones, and external voices I hear now and again)

This is my view but I could be totally wrong, and I feel it's more beneficial to find meaning in this experience yourself.

1. More people hear voices than the statistics declare
2. sleep depreviation can cause our inner voice to become louder so that they appear external
3. stress can do the same
4. our mind can store memories from when we were born and probably before we were born
5. our mind can remember a memory that we had forgotten about
6. people that have been kind to us, our mind can remember the words said to us and may not come in the form of memories, it may come in a form of a voice
7. the same is true to people who have been unkind
8. also spirituality, a lot of people connect it to spirituality, my grandma wasn't psychotic but she heard grandad speak to her after he passed - this could be a normal reaction to grief but it could be spiritual
9. Spirituality depends on the person who is experiencing it.

But each of us has unique experiences, and I don't believe it's a sign of going crazy, but it is more likely to happen when we are stressed, which can course us to become distressed and therefore end up on a ward.

It's really great that you are recognising what is going on.

I had good and bad voices too. The good voice may have been that part of my personality reminding me that I am a nice person, the bad voice was the voice of a childhood bully - so I feel it was my mind trying to process something. But our subconscious mind often decides when we process stuff, if it was up to my consciousness, I may have not looked at it by avoiding it - but our subconscious mind won't have that.

Asking for help and support and having insight are all things that make a quick recovery. And I feel you are blessed having this experience, because finding meaning takes a life time, and helped me to learn more about myself and accept myself more.
 
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Dissatisfied

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#3
And the last part when you said you used to think it was your inner voice, well I think it is, but I feel it's coming from your subconscious mind.

When we sleep and dream - we have no control over our thoughts or what will pop into our head, strange visions.

Hearing voices is a bit like that for me too - it only happens to me when I haven't had enough sleep - so I think it's my mind saying - hey you now need to listen to your subconsciousness.

Freud (a famous psychologist) said our conscious mind is only the tip of the iceberg - and that is definately true when it comes to dreams and psychosis.

Take care of yourself
 
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OnlyaGuest

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#4
This really helped, It does only happen when I'm stressed. That's when it's the worse. But I'll find my self thinking awful thoughts sometimes, like for example writing that post was a struggle because when I tried to describe the "good" voice I'd find myself wanting to type things like pathetic and worthless and stupid. Those aren't my opinions, and I don't know why these thoughts start flooding my mind. I also find myself apologizing to the "Bad" voice all the time. Anytime I say anything negative about it, I quickly apologize aloud. Like I'm scared it'll hurt me or something. I just don't know how to find a balance. Be "Normal". If these are my subconscious thoughts then I'm scared because that means I'm a really awful person, and If that's true then what's my normal voice? I feel like they're two extremes, and I just want to find a calm, normal balance before it gets too out of hand.
 
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Dissatisfied

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#5
No it doesn't mean your on awful person - I've had good and bad voices, the good voice was of positive people that believed in me - saying nice things to me and the bad voice reminded me of a bully.

As the good voice may be a childlike part of you - it might be your inner child that needs to be nuturing - we all have one.

A Zen Buddhist Master quoted:

'In each of us, there is a young, suffering child. We have all had times as difficulty as children. To protect and defend ourselves we run away from the part that is suffering. But just because we have ignored the wounded child within us, it doesn't mean it isn't there, the wounded child is always there, even when we are older people. The wounded child asks for care and love... Sometimes the wounded child in us needs all of our attention. and then he says not to ignore it but me like a mother towards it. Find out what is wrong, then nuture it.

I do this a lot, there is a part of me that's crying and in distress, when I listen to that part of me, there is a little girl that is insecure, paranoid and scared. I will then reassure it like a mother would, and then the child gradually goes away. This is a great practice to activitate your frontal lobe where their is logical and compassion - the wounded child comes from old behaviour which is at the back of your brain - this practice helps me to access both parts of the brain at the same time.

Is the good part afraid of the bad part - is there someone you were afraid of when you were a child?

Rufus May, a popular psychologist who had psychosis when he was 18 and was originally diagnosed with schizophrenia (he did a tv documentary called the Dr Who Hears Voices) said if you have bullying voices, there is a huge chance someone has bullied you at sometime.

I feel the bad voice represents someone and perhaps your subconscious mind is trying to find ways of you processing that.
 
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Dissatisfied

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#6
There was someone I met who had a horrible experience as a child and her mind forgot it (she was held at gun point) - she had a bullying voice for years that threatened to kill her - she was traumatised about this voice for years - Rufus May worked with her and found out that the voice was on her side, he found out the bad voice wanted her to process that event when she was younger so she could heal. She's doing really well now, getting on with her life, a lot happier and stable,

Your mind isn't against you, it's trying to make you understand something. When it happens to other people in developing countries, it's seen as an enlightening experience - in a tribe, if someone has this experience, they get ordained as a shaman or the community asks themselves, 'what did we do wrong, to make this person think/behave like this'.

In my experience, when it's stressed me out so much I've ended up seeking help - I'm not a trained psychologist - far from it - but I know from my experience that when It has been it's worst, I've needed extra help - because it's hard to manage on your own.
 
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Dissatisfied

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#7
Is there an Early Intervention's Team where you live?

It's worth a shot if there is one, an Early Intervention Team in England has an 80% success rate of getting people's lives back on track, where as being treated in hospital is a 30% success rate. They will be able to give you a psychologist so that you can start to make sense of it all.

Your not a bad person, I can clearly see that, I feel that your processing something right now. Nothing wrong in that - but of course, if it gets out of hand, things could get worse, so be careful, and make sure you ask for support.
 
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OnlyaGuest

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#8
Update

Wow. I completely forgot I ever wrote this. This is very a strange phenomenon. I've actually completely lost the 'Good' voice. Until just reading this now, I forgot it was ever there. This is very odd. I can't believe I was ever so 'innocent' and 'nice'. I really wanted help. Haha. :D That's so odd.

I'm completely fine now though. I feel my real personality isn't good, I couldn't even imagine myself acting so pathetic. It's quite funny though, that supposed 'Bad' Voice, is just my inner thoughts speaking. I have a very high sense of self worth now. That voice gives me confidence, and that voice is paving the way to my future. That 'Bad' voice, is doing so much for me, and has made me a far better person.
I'd rather be vindictive, cold-hearted, power-driven, and perfect, than pathetic, sad, emotional, and 'loving'.

Who needs love anyways? It's for the weak.
I think I can think logically now. Clearly. I'm very at peace.
I did not have a specific childhood bully or anything, and the 'voice' was never bullying me, it was just shaping me for life. You can't go around crying, and whining. If something bad happens, I must fix it. If someone hurts me, I hurt them back. There's not enough time in this world to be pathetic and sad.
I never told anyone, about the odd things that happen to me.

I don't argue with myself anymore, it's more like, I just know whats best, and my inner voice guides me to do whats best for myself. There is no weak little girl anymore, she is definitely gone. I think that was holding me back, in fact, I know it was.

I sail through life pretending to be 'normal', and pretending to be nice, and pretending I care, but I am an awful person, and I love being an awful person. One day I'll have success, power, money, and wealth of the mind. And I will do ANYTHING to get there.

I do find this whole post very odd. It's almost like, I can't believe I was ever so weak and worthless. I'm far happier with myself. I'm amazing at pretending to be cute, nice, and sweet. I just can't believe I ever actually was.

It actually turns out, I'm somewhat of a Psychopath. And by 'somewhat' I mean, textbook :mrgreen:. I am confused because, it seems at one point I didn't want to be this way. Though I know for a fact, I've never had any empathy...
This just confuses me almost because, I don't know what happened to me, that I would forget completely that I was ever like this... I never went to get 'help', I obviously knew I was different, and I anonymously went to a psychologist, and therapist, and they diagnosed me with Psychopathy. After researching it, It was me, definitely. This was about a year ago.

Hm, I don't sense any empathy in this post, so I guess it means nothing. I'm just rather embarrassed that I was ever as fucking pathetic and seemingly emotional as that. I never cry, I rarely ever do. Crying is pathetic, but I remember that day now. It was odd. Since then, I still talk to all the time, when I'm alone, and in the mirror. Though it's more of my inner voice just telling me how amazing I am, how beautiful I am, inflating my ego, and throwing around violent threats.

I still harm myself a lot. It happens when I'm working on music, or practicing and I mess up, I will harm my self, and it'll just be an initial reaction. Then I will say aloud, to myself, or I guess that supposed 'bad voice' will tell me, "If you mess up again I will kill you". Though I've accepted it now. It's all just to make sure I work hard and stay determined. It's all for the best.

I realize you probably are long gone from this site, so I guess I am just writing this as an update for anyone who stumbles upon it. haha
:evil:
 
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#9
It was awful reading your post that you have just written - the way you describe yourself is psychopath and didn't surprise me when you mentioned it yourself.

But I don't believe a word of it - psychopath's wouldn't usually admit to their faults - they would try convince people that they are normal and come across as charming.

I suspect that you are still quite ill, confused about your identity, I get the impression that you don't actually like yourself and that you aren't actually happy with feeling like you are a bad person, even psychopaths would not be happy if someone told them that they are - they would still try to prove that they aren't. And if you are, and one day you intend to 'hurt someone back' then you have already written this on a forum - and told the world about it - not something that a psychopath would think to do.
 
Toasted Crumpet

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#11
I'd say you couldn't be a textbook psychopath as you wouldn't have previously experienced the emotions you describe in your first post - psychopaths are born that way apparently.

It sounds to me more like you've had a reaction to your previously low self-esteem and have gone the opposite way to build yourself up and feel like you are good enough.

I can actually relate to what you say about you'd rather be bad and strong than weak and nice. Some people who have experienced abuse in their lives can have those feelings, not saying you have been abused, but it is quite common when one has previously been powerless.

I self harm in the manner you describe as well (I'm guessing your post will be edited to remove that reference) and it doesn't sound like you really feel you are great or you wouldnt feel the need to do that. It's not a very self-loving thing to do.

Although I don't share your experiences I can relate to what I perceive as the anger behind your post. I wonder if you are feeling out of control, that can be scary. I can relate to the "F*** you mentality".

I don't think you really sound like a psychopath. Sorry if this displeases you. I'm guessing you will hate any suggestion by forum members that you are in pain, distress etc because it seems you have conditioned yourself to believe being "weak" is pathetic.
 
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#12
some people, myself inc, blame themselves for any abuse, mistreatment, bullying, that they have experienced as feel it is due to weakness, and then I suppose that's when people can end up feeling the need to be aggressive.

As a kid I never stood my ground at home or at school, but then I experienced anger, rage that I had supressed for years, and by the time I got to 16 yrs old, I could no longer, nor didn't want to, suppress the anger anymore, so I got aggressive at home, not in a violent way, but in my tone of voice, mainly to protect myself from getting more abuse, it was my defence mechanism - but it was a necessary process, and it did the job of protecting me. But that aggression wasn't my persona, yes I have a vulnerable side to me, we all do, and I experience that anger - but it isn't all me - no one is neither good nor bad in my eyes - there are things that we experience that have a reaction, everything is cause and affect.

Just because we react to things in certain ways, or dissociate ourselves from the vulnerable person that we were once, and blame that vulnerability for any bad that happened to us at the time - doesn't make a psychopath - and the blocking of emotions is also a way to not remind ourselves of the trauma we have suffered - not allowing ourselves to think and feel about it is suppression, and we all do it to get rid of the pain.
But at some point, we have to be strong enough to allow ourselves to be vulnerable again, to re-experience that pain, to process what happened to us, and that will eventually empower us to be stronger in a way that we don't have to use our aggression to protect ourselves.
 
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OnlyaGuest

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#13
Well, no I'm not offended you don't think I'm a psychopath. Why would I care what a random person online thinks?

I am not out of control, and even in my previous post, I wasn't insecure. I was more, trying to fight my inherent traits.

We actually do experience emotions, but only ones that correlate with ourselves. One thing I got from my initial post, was my selfishness. I knew there was something wrong with me, and I didn't know what. The thing is, with psychopaths (I've talked to many and with my psychologist) we get angry and have reactions like this when we've failed. We can't handle failure. It's our own fault. It's like, we can't handle not being excellent at something we tried hard at. In that moment, I failed myself, I was very angry with myself. I never cry, I even stated that in my previous post, this was an isolated incident. I cried for about one minute, till I was so angered with the pathetic-ness of myself.

Though after reading that post, It definitely reassured me of my diagnosis. Unlike sociopaths, psychopaths tend to have 'Psycho' reactions like this. Impulsiveness and rage as well.
 
Toasted Crumpet

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#14
Unlike sociopaths, psychopaths tend to have 'Psycho' reactions like this. Impulsiveness and rage as well.
My understanding was that sociopathy and psychopathy were the same thing, but that the term sociopath was used to distinguish people with ASPD from the horror movie type killer stereotype. I also thought that whilst sociopaths can function in society in spite of their difference, with many having successful careers and seemingly appearing normal, psychopaths are more likely to be violent and end up in prison.

Also, impulsiveness and rage can be aspects of borderline PD as well. I have them, and I wouldn't have described myself as a psychopath, except when I am being very self-hating.
 
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#15
I'm still not buying it - because a psychologist nowadays wouldn't use the phrase 'psychopath' rather they would use anti-social personality disorder - as they can't use the word 'psycho' any more.

Plus when you write you say 'we experience....' and use the word 'ourselves' it makes me think that rather than being diagnosed with it, you have read up about psychopaths on the net, and attaching to the way you feel with stories about psychopaths, hence you are using the word 'we' and 'ourselves'.

Most people, regardless of their diagnosis, would usually say 'I experience....', 'I feel.....' it all seems a bit too strange this - and I also feel that you are determined to convince us that you are a psychopath.

Most people, if they actually got diagnosed with that label, they would be spending more time telling the world that they aren't like that. I still feel that you are living in some sort of fantasy world, or perhaps you hate yourself so much that you to experience others scorn. To come on this site and try convince people on here your evil, doesn't add up, and I don't think you are evil. The more you try to convince us, the more I think the opposite of what you are wanting us to believe.

I met a psychopath person once, he was my step father - and no way would he try to convince people of how evil he was, and how he didn't care for others, he tried his damndest to pretend others, but I saw through it - he tried to hard, enough to make me realise that he was false - you are doing the same but in reverse - you are probably, actually a nice person, but you want to protect your vulnerability, so you want to convince yourself that you don't care about others - but in actual fact, you probably care very deeply about what others think of you, and it probably hurts when you get criticised. You are actually convincing me that you are probably quite fragile. That isn't something to be disgusted at, being fragile at points of our life is okay, but to block that pain out, and pretending to the world we don't care, and wanting, desiring to be a harder, badder person, isn't good.

I also think you want people to hate you. I think in reality you are projecting the way you probably really feel about yourself, onto others, and then when you get the hatred you want, you can get angry with someone else other than yourself.

But I don't hate you, I think you are actually quite interesting, and I can probably see myself in you when I was a bit younger than I am now.
 
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#16
You might be right about the emotions - medication dampens down our emotions as you probably know - and suddenly people find that they can't access the deep range of emotions, or feel them as deeply as they did once. Some medications will even stop people shedding tears, they are generally used to suppress emotions anyway. So I might buy this part, but only very slightly.
 
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optimism

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#17
same here. agree with Dissatisfied....
the bad side is to protect us....from people....
like, if we were a bit mean to others, and if we tried to put up a strong front....maybe we can fight our inner demons....and our own personal hell....
i used to be like u, having a good side and bad side....and many other sides....they would resurface in front of people....sometimes, i seem like a bubbly person....and sometimes, someone who is sad....sometimes, someone who has mood swings....but to the people who thought they knew me years back, they felt i had changed.....
sometimes, we just need to let it all out...and being powerless sucks.....we hope we can squash those horrid weak and negative feelings by thinking that we are so much better, and there is nothing wrong....
i tried to think: there is nothing wrong with me....few hours later, i realise, all the negative things, emotions, psycho stuff are all coming back....
there is nothing wrong in admitting that we have felt vulnerable, but we must be more guarded and careful about who we trust.
 
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Venium

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#18
Im going off the deep end.... actually i think i jumped in

Im going insane. Im 29 black male. Have a shitty job. Been single forever. Ive become a bit loopy going on insane. I talk to myself all the time but its gotten out of hand. Theirs now three me's. In my mind theirs the evil one. Rage pain hate that borders on poison who wants nothing more than to bludgen someone to death just like negan from the walking dead. It/he/they hate other human beings. The other one is good, warm genereous. Would do anything for anyone. Wants to help people and make the world a better place for everyone. Then theirs the other. The kid in the middle. He's in a protective bubble but feels nothing, just wants to be left alone. I seem to alternate between all three like some messed up id ego and superego think. My minds becoming fractured. Now i see them in my head... like i literally see them. I can describe what they look like, what they wear, manerisms, what they say in terms of advice etc etc. The good and bad one one hate each other, they even have battles. The indifferent one in the middle stops them from killing each other. Then he goes back into the shield. Its got to the point that i actively talk to each of them in my head and sometimes out aloud. Sometimes they even take over. ..... now im hearing others. My windows open and i hear far off voices. Im sure their just my neighbours talking but not so sure.... its either ive got super hearing to be able to hear them from that far away or im gradually losing my mind. Worse still its becoming a game. I also havent slept in like a week. O cant seem to as i get really bad nightmares. Theirs also the epilepsy thing though i dont think its got anything to do with that.... hopefully not.

What tge hell do i do? I feel like i should just run out the door and disapear...

Fucksake its 6:04 am and i still cant sleep...

Arrrrr .... i think im going mental lol hahaha:(:):(!
 
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Babylonia

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#19
I get it, I've been the same way. Talking to myself since I was little, arguments in my head, all of it. I don't really have a good voice though, it's the logical one and the evil one.
 
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backagain2

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#20
Hi Only A Guest! You are neither the good voice or the bad voice your personality is between both of them and is not as extreme as your good or bad voices are. Try not talking to them. If you need to work it out Talk about them to yourself if that's what you need to do. Example: "They" or "That Voice" doesn't know me or who I am. I agree with dissatisfied, you should make an appointment to see a doctor. I had a fear of being in a hospital for telling my story but its far from the truth. I was never hospitalized. Make an appointment, its not as scary as you thinking.

Well, I finished reading the entire thread.

Your not a failure and it takes a real man/woman to cry.

- - - Updated - - -

Hi Venium! Are you seeing anyone for this yet? I have a friend with epilepsy. It's a hard thing to deal with on its own. I'm sorry that your having so much going on right now. How are you doing now?
 
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