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I'm getting worse...

PrettyGreenEyes

PrettyGreenEyes

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2016
Messages
15
Location
Somewhere over the rainbow...
I was diagnosed with depression and bpd as well as self harming and whatever else I have wrong with me.


I'm getting worse and worse, the feeling of not wanting to be here, no one caring about me and not being able to do anything right. I always mess everything up.
I have no interest in anything and have to fake being happy and force myself to do things because of my boyfriend.
I lie in bed for as long as Possible, so I dont have to get up and face the things that have happened or to another argument. I think if i just stay in bed then things will disappear, I will disappear...

I'm madly in love with my boyfriend but I can't do anything right because my head is all over the place. We constantly argue over stupid things and he makes me feel like it's all my fault if I don't say the right thing or do what he wants it turns into a huge argument. I cry everyday and he hates it when I cry it makes him more angry but I can't help it I've always been sensitive and cry easily. He's fed up with me now and it's only a matter of time before he leaves me specially when he finds out I've been self harming again :(
Nothing makes me happy, no one likes me, everyone says stuff about me and judges the things I say/do I worry about everything and cant enjoy myself properly, cos everyday I just want to sit in a corner and cry, and hope that if i close my eyes, i wont wake up again...I just feel worthless, and I dont want to live any longer.

I've been on so many different meds I'm now on sertraline and propranolol. They don't see to be helping at all. I've also just moved house so now I'm not getting any help from the mental health team and the doctors aren't very good here.

Don't even know what I wrote this for it probably don't even make sense.
 
C

_Cida

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
78
Hi, friend. Welcome to the forum.
I have been diagnosed with BPD, as well, so I really know how you feel.

Words are fleeting and nothing I say can take your pain away. I, myself, am in the same boat and have no solution to this problem.
You seem to be dealing with so much, and it's heart-breaking to see someone who isn't getting the help they need, despite actively working towards getting it.

Something that might help - short term - is to find something to occupy your time, so that you don't have much time left to dwell in dark thoughts. Art projects, poetry, carpentry - you name it.
Try to avoid conflicts as much as you can, if you're worried your relationship is in peril.

Keep hanging on! It does get better, if you keep your head above the water long enough to see the shore!
 
M

misssadness

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Aug 3, 2015
Messages
1,995
I think it is terrible your boyfriend gets annoyed with you for crying. You cannot help it and he should be supportive not angry. My mum used to get annoyed with me when I cried and would shout at me so I know what that is like. Then you have the fear he will leave you so it is no surprise you are feeling so bad. As a fellow bpd sufferer I know you will feel it is better to be with him then alone as I have been there too.

I think you need to register with a GP and explain you need to be put in touch with the mental health team. Please get the support to help you through this. :hug:
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,161
Hello PGE

Im sorry you are going through this

Best

BDU
 
C

Crazy Lady In Stanton

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 29, 2015
Messages
1,536
Location
Stanton, CA
I am sorry you are in so much pain. Your boyfriend should not get angry at you for crying. Instead, he should comfort you. I worry that you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship. Is there anywhere you can go to find peace and tranquility? It is so important that you take care of yourself, both emotionally and physically. Keep looking until you find a good doctor. You've got to put your own welfare first. I really hope you are able to find help and start feeling better soon. You deserve good treatment, both from the people in your life and from the professionals you have to deal with, such as doctors. Please don't give up hope.
 
PrettyGreenEyes

PrettyGreenEyes

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2016
Messages
15
Location
Somewhere over the rainbow...
Thank you all so much for your replies :) sorry I'm only just replying couldn't get one till now.

I am registered wth a doctor and still get my meds but they've never once mentioned anything about it they just seen that my last doctor prescribed them and gave me them. Never asked how I was feeling or anything. I only started this lot of meds (they changed them) then moved two weeks later. Just don't know how to talk to them to get help.

As for my boyfriend I can't leave him. I'd have no where to go and have no family or money. I do really love him and I know he loves me I guess i just get on his nerves a bit and having to deal with my depression etc must be hard.

I don't know I feel so confused :unsure:

Thanks for the kind replies :)
 
M

misssadness

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Aug 3, 2015
Messages
1,995
I would give it six weeks on the meds and if you still feel they are not improving anything you could go back and say you wish to try another as you do not feel you are on the right one. :hug:
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,161
Thank you all so much for your replies :) sorry I'm only just replying couldn't get one till now.

I am registered wth a doctor and still get my meds but they've never once mentioned anything about it they just seen that my last doctor prescribed them and gave me them. Never asked how I was feeling or anything. I only started this lot of meds (they changed them) then moved two weeks later. Just don't know how to talk to them to get help.

As for my boyfriend I can't leave him. I'd have no where to go and have no family or money. I do really love him and I know he loves me I guess i just get on his nerves a bit and having to deal with my depression etc must be hard.

I don't know I feel so confused :unsure:

Thanks for the kind replies :)
You can, perhaps you're just not ready to.

Precious few people are in our lives for ever.

A great way of feeling better would be to somehow formulate some Goals. Not easy when you're down I know but even something as small as a list of 3 can trigger off some positivity.
 
I

I Give Up

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 29, 2016
Messages
51
There is nothing wrong with you, you are ill.

I'm sure you don't mess everything up and people do care about you and how you feel. I want you to feel better and i care that you feel so ill.

Having no interest in anything might be a symptom of depression.

It is not a good idea to stay in bed for too long. When i am feeling depressed, it takes me about 40 minutes to get up and it is a cup of tea that forces me to get up in the end, or the bad thoughts i have when in bed sometimes. I get up and fill the bathroom sink with hot water and soap and then wash myself with a flannel. That feels so nice when you are feeling so bad.

You and your boyfriend could go for a walk or drive somewhere quiet and pretty, out of doors, and talk there. It sometimes helps people feel relaxed so that they can talk calmly to each other. If you are depressed or finding life hard, you might be sensitive or irritable and he might feel powerless to help you. Maybe if you make it clear to him that it is not his responsibility to make you feel better and that you are going to try and help yourself more, you might get on better? Men often feel like they need to fix everything. I'm sorry if i am way off there.

I feel worthless too, and i wish i could die. It is not a very nice feeling to live with but i manage and so can you. I believe you can do it.

I have a nice gp but with a short fuse and high stress levels. Medication isn't 100% effective for me either. You are not alone in not having loads of support and the magic wand medication.

I hope that you sleep well tonight and realise you have the strength to make it through this night and every other night. It won't be easy but there will be better moments again.
 
Boris

Boris

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 20, 2010
Messages
1,332
Location
UK
I was diagnosed with depression and bpd as well as self harming and whatever else I have wrong with me. We constantly argue over stupid things and he makes me feel like it's all my fault if I don't say the right thing or do what he wants it turns into a huge argument. I cry everyday and he hates it when I cry it makes him more angry
If you are arguing over silly things, and crying makes him angry, this guy is no good for you period... is there any way of getting close to your family, or finding another way out... failing that you are going to have to make good of a bad situation.... which probably means keeping him sweet, and staying out of his harms way as much as you can... hope you find a bolt hole soon :)
 
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