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I'm gay and I feel like I need approval/acceptance from straight men

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Rory321

Member
Joined
Feb 24, 2020
Messages
10
Location
London
Hey guys. Not sure if this is the right forum to post in, but it is related to socialising so here goes.

I'm a 27 year old gay guy. Over the years I've had issues with my sexuality that I'm now working on and also seeing a therapist. But there is something that just won't go away and was hoping someone could maybe help me.

I sometimes feel like this really strong, innate need to not only act more masculine than I am, but also to be "accepted" by straight guys, and treated like one of them. I'm aware now that this is an issue and I am trying to work through it, but that desire is still there and I don't know what to do with it.

It's kind of difficult to explain. But basically in the past there have been times when I would try and "pass" as straight, to fit in more, which I guess is normal for some gay people. And I would try and force myself into doing things that are considered "manly" even though it may not be a natural fit for me.

I wouldn't say that I'm a stereotypical "lad", nor do I really fit in completely with GLBT culture, I guess I’m a mix of different things which I am more comfortable with now. But I still feel really insecure about it. Like, if I were to see a really manly man doing something like rugby or football, a part of me would feel kind of not good enough, or I would feel deep inside like that is something I should be doing. And it leads to me just over-thinking things a lot, even the words I use or the way I communicate with other guys, like I'm conscious of the fact that I'm trying too hard to fit in.
 
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Rainwriter

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 6, 2020
Messages
74
Location
England, uk
Hey, first of all sorry to hear that you've been struggling but great that you are seeing a therapist to help you - I take they haven't been able to help with this?
I cant say I completely understand because I'm a 24 year old straight female, but I think the need to be accepted is very human so it's completely understandable to have that desire to fit in.
It's hard, because you can change your actions and behaviour but you will still have desires. It might be one of those things that takes time to go away (I know that's not the most constructive) but being able to recognising and identify the impulse is already an improvement.
Sometimes saying affirmations to yourself can really help like "each day I accept myself more for who I am" or something similar? A helpful saying I find as well is "what they think of me is none of my business" - people are rarely as focused on you as you yourself are.
Hope that helps!
 
Zackthemaniac

Zackthemaniac

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
1,199
Location
North Carolina
This is all about accepting yourself. You need to be happy with who you are. You dont need to impress people to fit in or be accepted.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
3,486
Location
Nashua NH
Hey guys. Not sure if this is the right forum to post in, but it is related to socialising so here goes.

I'm a 27 year old gay guy. Over the years I've had issues with my sexuality that I'm now working on and also seeing a therapist. But there is something that just won't go away and was hoping someone could maybe help me.

I sometimes feel like this really strong, innate need to not only act more masculine than I am, but also to be "accepted" by straight guys, and treated like one of them. I'm aware now that this is an issue and I am trying to work through it, but that desire is still there and I don't know what to do with it.

It's kind of difficult to explain. But basically in the past there have been times when I would try and "pass" as straight, to fit in more, which I guess is normal for some gay people. And I would try and force myself into doing things that are considered "manly" even though it may not be a natural fit for me.

I wouldn't say that I'm a stereotypical "lad", nor do I really fit in completely with GLBT culture, I guess I’m a mix of different things which I am more comfortable with now. But I still feel really insecure about it. Like, if I were to see a really manly man doing something like rugby or football, a part of me would feel kind of not good enough, or I would feel deep inside like that is something I should be doing. And it leads to me just over-thinking things a lot, even the words I use or the way I communicate with other guys, like I'm conscious of the fact that I'm trying too hard to fit in.
I think wanting to fit in is natural.
Has it become a preoccupation or caused problems in your life as a result of it? If it hasn’t maybe it’s just one of those quirky things. Wanting to fit in isn’t in and of itself isn’t so much s bad thing as long as you are still accepting of who you actually are. :hug:
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,841
Location
London, ON
Dude - not all straight guys are manly macho lad types. And not all manly guys even accept non-macho straights.

I'm bi, but celibate. I think were most straights have issues with gay males is when the guy is really flamboyant, or camp. It throws people off, they don't know if it's serious or an act, or why they play up the gayness. But I know straight guys who are pretty camp, and macho guys that are softies and love hugs.

It sounds like you are trying to figure out how to act, now that you have a better idea of your sexuality. Dude - be yourself.

Plus, there's a whole bunch of super macho gay guys, too.
 
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BlueButBeautiful

Member
Joined
Apr 9, 2020
Messages
13
Location
India
Hello there. I want to let out my perspective regarding your issue. I think that even if you don't end up finding the solution, you can ask yourself why it is so important for you to feel masculine. it will help you in feeling compassionate about yourself and give a bit of clarity. The plus point is that you are aware that this is a 'wrong' intention, and maybe you're not able to channelize this awareness, making you feel very stressed. There is absolute no reason for you to suffer alone, you have many resources available next to you if you're willing to treat it as a psychological issue - because it is very difficult with one being gay in our society, due to many beliefs, misinformation related to it. This can truly affect our mental well-being. I'm very glad you took a step talking about it and going for a therapy too. I'm sure you will make a progress.
 
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