- Mar 20, 2020
In my last post, I talked about how I've felt that nobody cared that I was still hurting. I found that to be true, until yesterday morning. Nobody knows because I haven't told them and now I feel like I'm being selfish. I'm not the person I thought I was, I've become stubborn and difficult to talk to. I speak rhetorically, not as engaging or thoughtful anymore. You could say it's because I've numbed myself over time, now I'm hardened mentally. If I could describe myself as a young teenager, I was a "happy-go-lucky and bright" girl who was aware of her adversity but had a need to belong. Now, I feel like I'm on a crusade (whether if I realize it or not; it's true) to be taken seriously and to compensate for insecure feelings which make me come off uptight and self-absorbed at times. I'm not proud of it because it has caused an internal struggle within me. There's one side of me that wants complete integration and creativity. Then, there's another side that wants total control and perfection, even it means sacrificing her sense of belonging and joy. It has made into a paranoid, obsessed person! At least I can admit that there's a problem and I don't know how to make peace with it. I'm not right but I'm not wrong, I'm just lost! How do I make it about me without disregarding others in the process, it seems like brain acts on a pendulum pattern. Feelings are never integrated, they're either good or bad.