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I'm feeling severely depressed and it's not waning

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Ellejustin

Member
Joined
Apr 23, 2021
Messages
10
Location
Ca
I posted for my first time about my job dissatisfaction. I'm getting more and more frustrated and more and more depressed. I went from loving my job to hating it all because of the Coronavirus. I am giving less of a f***. I wake up these days and I dread going in, and when I get home I dread returning. I'm thinking about quitting my job. I'm thinking about moving. The problem is I don't know where to go. I already live in the cheapest city in California with the cheapest rent I've come across. And I'm in the middle of trying to get my teaching credential... Due to extremely minor past offenses, like being with a boyfriend who sold weed, I have had to jump through such hurdles and I'm not even admitted into a program yet. I know it takes a couple years of working in one state before you could transfer to another, but I'm wondering if I should make a move now since I'm so miserable... I probably won't. You could see how I'm stuck. I just really have been feeling low. All I want to do when I go home is sleep.
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
337
Location
Uk
Sending you hugs ❤
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,540
Location
US
I didn't see your post about your job, what is the job and how is the virus impacting it for you? I can't imagine, as I am not working right now. Is it anxiety or ?
California is so expensive, I know. I right now live in an area where even the cheapest condo is at least $500K. It's ridiculous and v disheartening, feel like I'm never going to have a "home". I totally get the desire to move (I can't due to divorce and having to live near ex for our son). A lot of people are moving, and it is a super stressful time, obviously, to do so. Good for you for keeping going in, I couldn't. Wasn't strong enough. I hear you about minor obstacles. I feel like even getting a volunteer position has a million roadblocks for me, esp w references needed since I've burned bridges. It can make you just want to give up.

Started to write and give you advice, then realised what a hypocrite I would be, as I don't take my own advice enough. But I can say that now that I'm 50 and didn't pursue my real dreams due to the obstacles, I do regret it, and regret is a horrible feeling. I wish I had pushed through them harder, as it only gets harder as you get older. The "fake it til you make it" thing is so true. So many people do this. I see these total morons who are in successful jobs, they're no smarter than you or I. Many of them don't have the added benefit of MH issues to top it off, I get that.

Anyway, keep pushing forward as much as you can. I have wasted years, and it is an awful feeling. We are pulling for you.
 
E

Ellejustin

Member
Joined
Apr 23, 2021
Messages
10
Location
Ca
Thank you both :)

I have a paranoid feeling that the superintendent knows I'm not trying hard anymore. Part of my "fuck it" modes is where I go to my car to do something else other than sit in an empty classroom. I started feeling paranoid so I left, only to walk right past her. I hope she saw me doing crossing guard duty this morning like I've been assigned. It still felt wrong to walk past at 8:36.

Yeah, the pandemic has changed me from teaching in classrooms to online and the attendance gets worse and worse. I have tried a hundred ways to remind parents of the schedule, but the attendance is 50/50. I have to be on standby though IN CASE.

It's been over 2 months now since I stopped my antidepressants. I think this is a bad combination of things. I hear loud and clear the "dont live with regrets" advice and "just push through it... fake it til you make it". It's hard being depressed with 0 friends unless you count an ex lover who I text and call occasionally. I've got no pets, no family (except my mom to call) So essentially 100% of my life sucks.... and that is hard to fake a smile to. The pandemic really pulled me down.
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

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Feb 6, 2021
Messages
1,323
Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
Hi @Ellejustin
I'm sorry you hate your job. Normally I would say to find another job first before you quit your current job so that you won't be in a bind to be unemployed for a while. But that advice doesn't apply since you also want to move. I hope you do move to a better location and that you can find a new job relatively quickly. Good luck!
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,540
Location
US
sorry, I'm going to lay down for a bit, not ignoring, just not feeling well. I really hope you get some helpful advice here.
 
almost brave

almost brave

New member
Joined
Apr 29, 2021
Messages
2
Location
USA
I’m not in California, but I’m teacher. It was a career change/later in life then “typical” decision. I also had to jump through some hurdles if you want to chat. This year teaching has sucked (except for the kids) but there’s still nothing I’d rather do. If it’s your dream, don’t give it up. It may seem far away right now, but one day you’ll look back and see just how far you’ve come.
 
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Ellejustin

Member
Joined
Apr 23, 2021
Messages
10
Location
Ca
I’m not in California, but I’m teacher. It was a career change/later in life then “typical” decision. I also had to jump through some hurdles if you want to chat. This year teaching has sucked (except for the kids) but there’s still nothing I’d rather do. If it’s your dream, don’t give it up. It may seem far away right now, but one day you’ll look back and see just how far you’ve come.
I'm new too, so I dont know if there's a private feature. Ok, here are my woes:

I loved my first year teaching last year and I stuck through the pandemic all the way up until now. Right now the camel's back has been broken. All of a sudden the superintendent told me I need to stay here till 3:30 when my hours used to be 8:15 to 3:15. Not a big deal at first glance, but since I'm really dreading this job now coming in 15 minutes early and leaving 15 minutes later is especially a drag.

I was told to let the teachers keep their kids for the three hours to get to see them in person and to just maintain my Zooms. I'm an English language teacher and so I work with small groups. Attendance is only 50-50 and that's being generous. I don't know if it's me coming off of my medication or just a full-year of this pandemic (what with its schedule changes and attendance problems) but all of a sudden I'm really not into the job. I'm an aide but I was given the full responsibilities of the director's position because the former director advanced to become the principal.

I'm so disappointed that due to my criminal history I haven't already began my credentialing program online. I was looking forward to earning a real salary as well as stepping up. Even before the pandemic I felt like I could be doing more. It was nice having all the responsibilities of the director, but with the pandemic I still find myself with idle time. Today after writig my post I decided to go ahead and contact teachers anyway and ask if they needed help in their classrooms. Again, I was told not to push in during their class time.

Before a month ago I did love my job. But each day it's worse and I dread it. It's miserable thinking that I have another month before summer. I've even been offered a summer position and at first accepted it, but now I don't know if I want to do it. I could find other work that's more satisfying because after all, I'll eventually get my credential after I eventually get accepted into that program. I know it makes sense to stay at one school and that's what I plan to do, but I swear to God I'm just really not feeling it. Up until just a month or two ago I had many more moments when I felt like I was connecting with kids and that I was in the right place in life. But now my whole being is just OVER dealing with a job whose description changed bc of covid. I'm getting headaches from so much screen time. When I sit there idly, I hate myself.
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
337
Location
Uk
There is a private feature. You can message people if you would like me to start a private message with you?

I know how you feel dreading to go to work. It’s such an awful & draining experience. Especially as you have a lot of pressure on you at work at the moment! Be kind to yourself, maybe go to the gp & see if they can help with medication to managed the depression & headaches xx
 
M

Mistral

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Messages
668
Well done for coming off anti depressants. I have been off them for over ten years and it can get tough sometimes, but it is worth it. I would not second guess failure in your career. I take it that you are older than most of the people who start off in your career. That can make things more difficult. Your peers will be younger than you and you will not have much in common with many of them. I started a career when I was mature and I know how isolating it can feel most of the time when you are at the beginning, but as time goes the fact that you started late becomes more and more irrelevant.
 
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