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I'm feeling guilty during recovery, like im not trying everything i can, but i really am

M

MaxSmith666

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Joined
Sep 13, 2017
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Hey, first time post on here so bare with...

A few months ago, after a downhill spiral before hand mostly caused by increased drug abuse. I fell 35ft whilst in a club, whilst on a lot of different substances.
My memory of the months before and a lot of my life are wiped, i move back home temporarily (at the time i believe just for my broken ribs and punched lung to heal)
Two months later I'm still at home in the deepest depression i've ever experienced, having suicidal thoughts, not being able to leave the house, feeling completely lost.
Then being told i have post concussion syndrome and trauma from the accident, on top of clinical depression and anxiety.
At the same time as all of this i find out i was close to loosing my job before the accident due to my behavior and my closest friend cut communication with me, at the same time as a lot of other friends move away.

So with the world passing me by, im just here now feeling so alone, lost, hopeless like my life isn't worth it anymore. I have no plan for the future and any thoughts of such panic me, I don't even know where I'm going to live now as my own place is a big trigger and causes me near panic attacks. Im still sick from work, being a barman i can't imagine returning yet, even though I've been off for 3 months.

I'm now on my second try at diff antidepressants and am sober, im managing to socialise a little but then have big down days after. Every single day i just feel useless like im not doing enough, like i just want to get back into life but it scares the shit outta me. I know recovering from depression isn't quick, but i feel useless and like im just letting it happen even know i know im not.

How do i go easier on myself?
Thank you for reading, really <3
 
calypso

calypso

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Hiya and welcome to the forum. I am glad that you are persevering with anti depressants to see if you can find one that suits you. Meds aren't the whole answer but they have their place.

Did you ever get to the reason you fell exactly or was it just the drugs you were on? I think its like muscles with work, the longer we don't use that "muscle" the weaker it becomes. I know that I used to be a senior sister in charge of three units and now? Its all I can do to just get out of bed in the morning! I can understand you totally.

If you did lose your job would you be able to get another one fairly easily? I just wondered. I hope you can wait for others to pop on and talk with you.
 
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