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I'm diagnosed with autism but i think it's wrong, WTF am i really?

T

THRILLHOUSE

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Apr 9, 2021
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Hello. I've been having a sort of crisis of identity and i came across this forum while searching for mental health information.
I'm just going to write a wall of text about myself here and see if anyone wants to read it.

I'm diagnosed with autism but i don't think it fits.
I'm over 30 years old and i have basically been completely socially isolated for my entire adult life. I have had no real friendships and no romantic or sexual relationships, i have literally never touched or been touched by another person in any meaningful way.

I always felt very insecure in social situations and i always tended to avoid everything that's frightening or unpleasant in life, so i guess that is why i just ended up isolating myself from reality and doing nothing.

I have the superficial signs of autism such as awkward and unnatural social interactions, a weird way of speaking and inability to make eye contact.

The reason i don't think i'm autistic is that i have no problem understanding subtext, sarcasm or unwritten social rules, or interpreting peoples intentions, in fact i think i'm pretty good at it.
I think that i just appear to be autistic on a surface level because my insecurity and social isolation has made me that way.

I have always had a complete lack of emotions for other people, i'm entirely self centered and have never cared about what happens to anyone else, even my parents when i was a child.
I have always found some kind of pleasure in seeing other people fail at things or get ridiculed, because it makes me feel better about myself and superior in some way.
So at my core i am an entirely selfish and spiteful person and i'm afraid that i am actually just an unbridled narcissist with anxiety issues, extreme social insecurity and a very weak personality.
This is also why i can't be completely honest when i speak to psychiatrists, because i definitely don't want an NPD diagnosis or something similar.

I have always felt an extreme need for instant gratification in everything i do, its like a restlessness, to the point where i feel it's almost unbearable to do things if i don't get instantly rewarded in some way.

I believe that i have an extremely addictive personality, i used to heavily abuse alcohol and i've used opioids such as oxycodone and codeine on a few occasions. I completely fell in love with the opioids because those were the only times i really felt relaxed and satisfied, like a functional human being.
I know that if my isolation and social anxiety had not stopped me from trying to make the connections needed to buy illegal drugs, i would have been a heavy opioid abuser by now, and i know that my life would have been better that way because i would actually function better in society and be more normal if i was on drugs every day.

I guess i just want to see if someone has similar personality traits to mine or has any clue as to what disorder i might actually have, if theres any that fits.
 
Ras

Ras

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ᛁ ᚨᛗ ᛖᚹᛖᚱᛃᚹᚺᛖᚱᛖ
sounds like you have a pretty good grasp on who you are, why does putting a label on yourself such as a diagnosis matter?
I get it for treatment options and so on but in any other case, i dont get why a diagnosis matters to people
 
T

THRILLHOUSE

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Apr 9, 2021
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I see your point, but it's still nice to have labels that you can use to define yourself.
I don't think i have a grasp on who i am at all, this is the first time i tried to put it into words outside my own head.
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

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Apr 20, 2019
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England
Yeah that was kinda my thought too. If you think these things about yourself anyway, what difference does it make if you are labelled as NPD? What is that going to prevent or hinder? I think you're better off just telling those guys exactly what you think and feel and see what they come up with.
 
passivenexus

passivenexus

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Apr 10, 2021
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Mexico City
sounds like you have a pretty good grasp on who you are, why does putting a label on yourself such as a diagnosis matter?
I get it for treatment options and so on but in any other case, i dont get why a diagnosis matters to people
Agree
 
F

fragrant_violet

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Mar 29, 2021
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Tirana
Yep agree with the others. You are who you are. Having a label makes no difference
 

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