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I'm desperate

teresacat

teresacat

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Feb 29, 2012
Messages
49
I've been crying for so long now. Every day I try not to. I am trapped in this flat because I am physcially unable to walk far and am in pain. I asked for help from doctors years ago but they thought it was psychological and so I was refused help, practical help. I'm stuck in this flat with pain and no hope. I just wish I could stop crying. I have been in this state trapped for almost 10 years. I don't know where to turn. I spent the last 6 months trying to find out where online I could get a letter posted and pay for it but the only suggestion was to ask someone to post it for me. I am alone because I used to get 'help' from an abusive drunk but I couldn't stand it any more and asked him to go and see if I could cope on my own. I'm lost. This constant crying for years on end is just not right. This is worse than being in prison. My health is in a terrible state and I am too frightened to go phone the doctors cos I got an incredibly bad reception off them years ago because I kept telling them I was in so much pain and extreme fatigue. The more I told them the same story the more I was told there was nothing wrong with me. Sorry I got to stop, I can't stop crying. I finally thought I had some help the other month writing to the Samaritans but after about 2 or 3 emails the replies just suddenly stopped. If I had a dream come true it would be that an intermediary would go to my doctor and try to explain that I can't take this pain any more and I can't stand the fact that I'm in this flat and in bed nearly all the time. Sorry I have to stop. I'm in a really bad way and have had nothing good happen to me since this condition (misdiagnosed) started 10 years ago. I would give anything to sit in the sun for 2 minutes.Being alone in this state is a living hell and anyone could not endure it.
 
*autumn*

*autumn*

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Hi teresacat. :hug:

You mention that you have had a CPN in the past; have you tried a counsellor?

autumnal
 
teresacat

teresacat

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Feb 29, 2012
Messages
49
I don't know how to get a councillor, I did go to a charity called ONE SUPPORT who apparently contacted the doctor many times but to no avail, ie no help because you don't get help unless the doctor says you get it. You see all this has made me extremely socially more phobic than I ever was. Every time I asked for help from the doctor I was sent to a shrink, and then when I asked the psychological services for pain relief they would say go to your doctor so it was round in circles.
 
teresacat

teresacat

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Feb 29, 2012
Messages
49
Sorry I've just seen something that's upset me yet again. I tweeted Royal Mail to ask them if they send letters for people who can't get out and they've just told me they don't do that service. Everywhere I turn there is no help. I am willing to pay. It's just I don't have the required skills to live in a severely ill state with no help. I need these skills and I am too ill to acquire them. Almost everything in life that you need you have to be able to leave the house or get someone to do it for you. I am alone. But again I am thinking of asking an abusive drunk to help me as I'm desperate. You would have thought I could have appealed against this life sentence.
 
angry butterfly

angry butterfly

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Jun 5, 2011
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surrey
hi Teresacat, I feel for you and your situation. do you not have any family to help, it doesn't sound like you do. how about neighbours? I assume you get your grocery's delivered.
I think your treatment from your gp and services sounds appalling. have you been checked for ME, just a thought. there must be something that can be done to make things better for you. I hope others will reply who might have some practical advice for you.
I wish you all the best.
 
catkin

catkin

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in a bit of a ravel
Hi, am sorry you are being left in this state. Would you be able to ask a GP for a home visit? Have you emailed eg CAB to ask if there is a befrienders service? These sorts of helpers could perhaps help with your letter? I don't have other suggestions but think you need to push for at least a GP home visit. Good luck x
 
teresacat

teresacat

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Feb 29, 2012
Messages
49
thank you Angry Butterfly. Yes ME was mentioned about 9 years ago but it was soon dropped. No I have no one, except an ex boyfriend who is not ideal for someone who is ill as he has drink problems. I just want these long weeks of crying to stop. It's the idea that there is no one out there to help me. You have to have mental strength to get help. I am socially phobic and I don't know where I got the guts from to keep asking/begging for help from doctors years ago but that ability has left me. I'm just waiting here basically for the symptoms to get so bad that a doctor would take notice. As it stands I don't have a chance as I don't look that ill. I know eventually I will get ill enough to get treatment but that could take years or decades even. To be at this level of despair for so long takes some doing. Thank you dear for your kind words. They DO mean something to me. Too often since I got ill I have mainly been ignored or abandoned to my fate.
 
teresacat

teresacat

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Feb 29, 2012
Messages
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I need an intermediary or whatever the term is. I'm frightened of the doctor/s as I was totally stunned and amazed at their reaction to me that I would rather die than see them again without someone there with me as I was either ignored or criticised for insisting that there was something wrong with me and I needed help. I can't put myself through that awful horror again. The constant begging and treament I got blew me away. At one point I thought they got the files mixed up with someone else. I took a MIND rep down there and they ignored here pleas as well and I assumed she had some clout with them. She was very nice to me but she said she could not get me any help, only the doctor could get this help, be it social work help or diagnostic/treament help. It's sent me round the twist this a bit but I'm still sane enough to feel all the pain. I get my food delivered by supermarkets but havent had a delivery in months as I feel to ill to go to the door and pull in all those bags as I get so out of breath so I'm living on the food I've stored here.
 
L

Lynd71

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Feb 25, 2015
Messages
7
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Caerphilly
Hi Teresa, I was going to suggest MIND but it seems you have already been in contact with them. Surely they would be able to help you out in some way. I have just started counseling with them and so far so good. I was agoraphobic for a couple of years and trapped in the same way as you. I used to spend most of the day hiding under the bed covers. Could you not email instead of sending a letter?

Lyndon
 
teresacat

teresacat

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Feb 29, 2012
Messages
49
Hi Teresa, I was going to suggest MIND but it seems you have already been in contact with them. Surely they would be able to help you out in some way. I have just started counseling with them and so far so good. I was agoraphobic for a couple of years and trapped in the same way as you. I used to spend most of the day hiding under the bed covers. Could you not email instead of sending a letter?

Lyndon
Oh Lyndon, I'm so sorry you were hiding under the duvet, hope it's getting better now. I met the MIND rep outside the surgery, I was sitting on the ground cos I was too ill to stand. I had an hour to tell her everything and she was pleading my case but the doctor just shrugged his shoulders. At the time they did not make home visits. She did her best and I was treated with politeness but no practical help with food as I was too ill to walk more than a few yards. I'm not agoraphobic, in fact I'm the other way, I want desperately to get out but get so out of breath just walking to the other room. I will have another look on the MIND site to see if they can help me. I went to A&E so many times over these symptoms until in the end they just said:" Another panic attack". Well if this breathlessness is a panic attack I've had a permanent attack for nearly a decade and movement makes it worse.Basically because I've had a history of anxiety and depression it seems impossible for me to be physcially ill. I'm 60 now so I'm hopeful something will give.
 
L

Lynd71

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Feb 25, 2015
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Caerphilly
I'm a lot better than I used to be but I used to drink also. Got myself in a right mess and like you when I moved back home I had trouble with the Doctor. I went in asking for help with the drinking and he turned around and said 'stop drinking and come back in three months', said they couldn't do anything. I ended up having a psychotic episode and doing something stupid :( Thankfully I ended up in Hospital and got the help I needed. Been five years drink free but still struggle with anxiety and depression. I get the breathlessness and dizziness, chest pain so tend to stay away from busy places with lots of people. I can't go on public transport but I can manage to drive around the local area now so I have some freedom back. Still can't get back to my old self though and I'm desperate to do so. Have they not even tried you on some kind of medication?

Have a good look at the MIND site and I hope you can find some help. There are people out there that care so try and keep positive :)
 
teresacat

teresacat

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Joined
Feb 29, 2012
Messages
49
I am that same person but from UK London relying at that time on an abusive drunk. I had some tests and and chest echo tests and other tests and it surprised me that nothing came up. The doctor would say you have a long list here of hospital appointments for depression and anxiety so people with mental problems never get physically ill. I have a blood pressure check here but haven't a clue what it means. I was told my bp was a bit high and that was years ago. The slightest stress gives me extreme pain all over with severe headaches and that's why I try to avoid any unnecessary stress like the plague as I can't cope with that extreme pain. If only I could endure stress by not getting this awful pain I might have a chance. Like when my drunken boyfriend was ranting and raving for 15 hours at at time it would take me weeks to get over the pain of it but because he did it so frequently I never got the chance to while he was here. He actually took me to the doctor and when he took me home abused me for hours on end for no reason other than he was drunk. I can't tell you how bitter I am about having to endure this for so long because the authorities would not give me a carer or some help. the only help I get is social security and I had to learn how to use a computer while I kept having short fainting fits and in severe pain with no one to help. The CPN kept telling me I had to go to the library to learn and it was pointless telling her that I couldn't walk far. Being out of bed is extremely uncomfortable for me and just going to the kitchen is a job and a half for me. I used to ride a bike everywhere and worship the sunny days out and about but I haven't seen the sun in years and suspect that will impact on my health and bones at least. I bought a sunray lamp but hardly use it as it's such a palaver to plug it in and lift it up etc, so I don't bother. I live in North London and the last time I saw the doctor he said come and see me next week but every time I told him sitting or walking was unbearable I got the impression I was speaking without a voice. Even when I had the MIND rep next to me pleading that I had no food in the house he just shrugged his shoulders and said' well you know what social workers are like' as if to say he had nothing to do with the fact that I was getting no help. When my estate officer told me to get in touch with ONE SUPPORT some kind of charity they said they wrote that many emails to my doctor but it had no effect. ONE SUPPORT refused to take my debit card or any money off me for food as they said it was against the rules. I had money but no food, they did bring me an orange one day that tasted like pure heaven to me as I had not had any fresh stuff for over a year but they still could not take money off me offically to help me get food. This traumatised me relying on a friend from up north filling my fridge with cheese that should last me but obviously it did not last me. Being without friends in life is very frightening indeed. Although I can't say I was without help from my boyfriend who I met through a neighbour but the abuse started quickly and relentlessly but I couldn't survive without some kind of help especially with the computer as I didn't have a clue about things like anti virus and for the first couple of months of using my new computer I had the blue screen of death cos I could not suss out how it worked so I could order food. I was given no help on these skills that you need to live. It is my fault in a way that I am without help but when you analyse it, the reaction of the doctors was so unprofessional and downright inhumane and cruel it would set up fear in a lot of people let alone someone who does not want to say boo to a fly. I live in North London, I'm obviously hoping for my illness to get so bad that it will be obvious that I need help and now I can't get out to empty the rubbish I'm in absolute panic and have already put a crack in the toilet by putting as much rubbish down the toilet as I can and cutting it up small which takes up so much time and effort. It's a frightening existance and might be slightly more bearable if I had my sister who my boyfriend kind of attacked years ago and I fell out with her because I stayed with him instead of dumping him but I had to keep hold of him. Look I know you want to help me and you have to realise that you ARE helping me in a way by taking the time out of your day to write to me and I appreciate that. I have to stop now as I have to lie on my side as I can only type in bed on my back and it hurts. In case I didn't say, I am not agoraphobic of going outside, don't have a drink or drug problem, I am just frightened of the doctors after what they did to me . I am fearful of movement as it hurts so much but I don't think that is in my head at all it's purely physcial pain. Thank you for writing, it means a lot
 
teresacat

teresacat

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Joined
Feb 29, 2012
Messages
49
They tried anti psychotics, anti-depressants but the first ones made my phsycial symptoms worse. You should be proud you've knocked the drink on the head, that is massive remember that even though you are still left with anxiety. Keep it up. In the early days I was taking a lot of co dydramol but think they made me worse and anyway the pharmacist said he couldn't give me anymore medication as the doctor had stopped it. I only buy aspirin online now and even think that makes me worse. You keep positive, I imagine you out there with your struggles but remember what you have achieved and thank you for the help and support.
 
teresacat

teresacat

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Joined
Feb 29, 2012
Messages
49
Just reread the last bit again, its hard to concentrate, gonna try and do that age uk thing, good thinking!
 
L

Lynd71

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Feb 25, 2015
Messages
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Location
Caerphilly
Hi teresacat :) How are you now? Did you manage to get any help? I do hope so. Yes the drink was hard going but I hit my rock bottom and the only way was up! I never want to be in a situation like that again. I used to have dreams about buying drink, I'd be in a super market with a trolley intending to get some but something or someone would always be in the way and I'd never get any. Those dreams have gone now and I can pass an isle full of alcohol without giving it a second glance :) The anxiety is bugging me and I kind of understand what's going on in my head but I just can't shake it off. I've just finished counseling with MIND, it helped me understand things a bit better and suggested ways to cope, it just annoys me that it happens at all. Did you get your letter posted in the end?
 
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