• Share. Be Supported. Recover.

    We are a friendly, safe community supporting each other's mental health. We are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Im definitely not sure what my condition is

I

iguess

New member
Joined
May 25, 2017
Messages
2
Hello everyone,

im new here, a german booy:O
I am twenty years old and currently undergoing schooling to hopefully be a mechanic in 2 years.
If you manage to read this and actually give a reply - thank you.

Im not sure how to begin with all this and at this time there are way too many trains of thoughts in my brain, not saying that im in great stress, its normal, but because of that i dont think i ll be able to list them in a senseful way and probably many things will be missing. After all i am unsure if i ll be able to get advice here, cause what im searching for is not help but rather advice..unsure for what, or if its even advice im searching for or maybe just the feel that there actually is someone who knows what i mean, lol, which will probably be the case cause i dont think that words can truly display a humans inner being, let aside the fact that my english probably is not as good as i might want to think.

Excuse me for my strange language, its not the result of me writing in english but rather i do that in german too i guess.

At this point i am unsure what i am. I tried to find out more and more, yet i have noticed that i will probably never find out enough about humans and myself, about life, the more i think i find out, more questions arise, even making me doubt what i thought to have found out in the end.
Im not sure what i wrote right now.

To me: i have been curious for my whole life, in every aspect possible. As a kid my first great interest was in math, age 3. Great interest as in, i was in love with math at that time. Being the first kid able to memorize all numbers from 1 to 100 with 4, count and do all kinds of basic calculations at the age of 5 - and developing an interest and love in physics at the age of 6 - this was the first moment i started to feel disconnected to other humans. This continued with chemics - fascinated to see that physics is the fundament for chemics, which then is the fundament for biology leading to the fundament for living beings and earth itself, nature, i was surprised that absolutely no one shared my fascinations. At the age of 11, after, in my opinion, managing to get a basic idea how the world works, i noticed that there were many more things i didnt understand. I started to read news, trying to understand politics and why and how things are done. Seing how much shit happens and how people deceive each other, i was saddened, not only because of politics, or rather, barely because of politics, but more because of my private social life. I was fat, didnt care for looks and was picked on by many, many people in a way i didnt think i would be able to handle for a long time. Somehow, i did, and after 4 years, it stopped. By the age of 15, i had reached some goals i had set for myself. With 14, i started playing piano, doing sports, caring for social life and experience, drawing and programming codes.

Just so it doesnt sound like im trying to exeggerate - i really am not. I was, have always been, a normal guy. Playing computer, going out(since 15), all that stuff you do. At that time, i was pretty focused on myself, constantly trying to improve myself in every field, leading to achieving the most "useless" skills - origami for example. Somehow, things started getting boring, or more like, always have been. Every time i picked up something i wanted to learn, in the end, i couldnt find real passion in it even if after some time i was pretty skilled. With 17, being one of the most popular guys at school and being called the lazy allrounder, everyone started asking me how i manage to "always smile, always be happy". I hate that question. Truth be told, the only reason i always smile and am always happy in front of other people is because they wouldnt understand the reason of my sadness in any way, because i never managed to really understand it myself, even though there were times i thought i did. So, what would be the best thing to do? Smile, be happy and make it your goal to make them happy as much as you can without burdening yourself too much. Whenever it would burden me, luckily, i had close friends i met with 18 to meet up with, especially one homie who is scarily similar to me and whom i would now describe as my best friend.

As you can see, at this point of my life, i started developing an interest in humans, because before i met my close friends, i honestly didnt put much faith in relationships amongst humans at all. After developing this interest, i started to indulge myself in psychology, of others and myself as well.

This has always been the way i did things - only doing what i decided was right. I never cared for school, letting my grades plummet because i have never in my life learned for school at all. But this was no problem, at some point i decided to "stay in the system" because it was simply neccessary, getting a graduation and earning money and stuff. However, i kept this to a minimum as it didnt excite me in any way.

At the time i started developing my love in psychology, i lost my fear of love and started seing it as the most beautiful thing in the world. I got more and more curious about the human mind - just what the heck is going on in there? Why am i writing this? From 17 to now, i solved many issues for myself others couldnt solve for themselves, only for other issues to pop up. But i wasnt scared, because that is life, and i kept trying to use my mind to its fullest to develope myself. I started excelling at every aspect - social life, rationality, creativity, health and sports.

Looking at psychology, i noticed that you cannot reason with rationality about a humans mind - we are no machines. So my creative side started to grow, and i liked it, not only because of my interest in psychology but simply because it is so much fun.
At the age of 18, i started using marijuana. There were times of heavy marijuana usage, and i still like and do it sometimes, however, calling it a passion? No.
At some point with 18 1/2, i started taking drugs. Of course, being confident is one thing and being stupid is the other. I looked up every of the drugs i took and still take every 1-2 months, sometimes 2 weeks and sometimes 4 months - meaning i did not mindlessly start taking drugs, rather, because of my curiosity, just wanted to experience it. For me, no drugs has ever been a real psychological burden except one when i was 19, and that one has never been tried out again - even that one wasnt really a burden, but rather, i decided that it was just not interesting enough for me to justify sniffing it. It sucked and i stopped doing it.
None of those drugs ever managed to impair my "third person" - the other me looking at the world, always calculating, always being creative, always controlling everything and yet not controlling anything.

I must say, it does tempt me to find out where the border is. I myself, however, can say for near absolute certainty that i will never get addicted of a drug, because 1) i wont take drugs that make your body addicted and 2) my brain cant get addicted of things - its more like it just gets bored after some time.

There are still many things i want to try out, not referring to drugs, but just stuff i wanna do - base jumping, traveling around the world, seing places, seing cultures, meeting people, learning different things. I still know nothing.

So overall, my life is supposed to be great, right? I have done so many things, got so much different skills, am popular as hell, no bad looks, smart, social and even have useless shitskills like rhetoric talking and wtf, i have everything i would want to have, even a close friend who could just be me.. So whats up? What is this hole inside me i just cant fill? Always trying to think that its okay, even thinking up fundamentals for myself. You cant always do things perfect. And even if you didnt do anything wrong at a time, shit will still happen. Deal with it.

Since this train of thought crossed my mind, ive been trying to improve myself in that field. The question after the sense of life is one i had solved for myself at the age of 18, gaining a constant change in myself. That is the reason why i am not yet crazy, i guess, because after finding my own sense and accepting the feeling of being disconnected from others as a fact, as something i and probably many others have to live with in their own ways, a feeling of sadness started to arise.

This deep sadness which i only then recognized, and which is still troubling me. Not saying that i cant have fun, in fact, i know very very well how to have fun and enjoy life, having all sides a human can have - loving animals, loving weather, loving sports, loving social life, loving parties, loving lonely walks in the moonlight thinking about stuff. But this sadness?

Having noticed that there are bad parts of life, that it is a necessity, i motivated myself to not force me to have fun but rather accepting the bad things, leading to a disproportion of the 50/50 thought i had before. (50% of life is happiness and 50% sadness). This way, i could lower the sadness and in the same way, make more room for happiness.

Notice, its always me doing something. At this point, im stuck up with the feel that there is too much sadness in the world. Im not even blaming the humans, because after looking at them, after looking at me and thinking about it, you cant blame anyone for the existing sadness but its just there, because they make mistakes just as i do, because things dont always go the way one wants to. However, seing how bad people still treat each other, everytime i see it, i get this feeling.

Basically, i have this feel all the time. I carry it around every second, even when im happy, even when im laughing i cant stop thinking about it. At very rare occasions i did manage to get rid of this feel, just to get accustomed to it. The moment i got thrown back, because i was accustomed to not having it, it hurt even more. And every time the pain grew. Probably, every time i grew too? Well, i guess so. But what of it?

What do all of my achievements, everything i am, everything i do help me here?

I am not brave enough to formulate a question as to what exactly my intention is by writing this, maybe letting my thoughts go free, however, i am definitely curious as to whether someone here can give me an advice. I have always thought that most of the things others tell me are either things i already thought of or know of. Honestly, i dont really think there will be someone in here whos able to help me, but that is okay, that is just the way i am and i hope you excuse my rude behaviour at this point.
Its just that i cant accept help from others that fast - however, i cant accept advice, because i can think about it and after some time decide if and what part of it is right or wrong, at least for me, making it possible to connect the thought with my emotions which has always been the only way for me to get convinced of something.

If anyone here took the time and attention to actually read this shit, i humbly thank you.

greetings from a german boy, 20
:)

PS: sorry for possible mistakes in language and writing, i just wrote the things that crossed my mind without paying attention to that
 
SoftRain

SoftRain

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 26, 2016
Messages
6,678
Location
sillyville, USA
Hello iguess
Welcome to the forum.
You sound like a very talented bright young man. I liked your posting, although I had to read it 3 times so I could understand it to some degree. 😊 It was not your writing, it was just a lot to absorb.
I certainly don't have the answers to life, it's like a puzzle that is always missing a piece. And I am 50 years old.
All your achievements make you a stronger person and a more powerful person. You sound wise for 20. You sound like a very caring person, and with that, there is always some sadness associated with it. By accomplishing a lot, you can not only help yourself but pay it forward to others if you get in that position. One way that fills emptiness is being in service to others and being appreciated. It brightens and fills your soul or emptiness and does the same for the person or people you help.
The world isn't fair either and the facts of life can be brutal.
Whether this is helpful or not I don't know but again welcome to the forum!
 
Last edited:
I

iguess

New member
Joined
May 25, 2017
Messages
2
It is actually helpful to see someone older than me answer on this topic, seing how someone with experience about this world writes and deals with that topic is a nice thing.
Maybe the puzzle will always be missing a piece, but at the same time the picture will grow, filling in more and more pieces:)

Thanks for the answer and welcoming me to the forum:)
 
Top