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I'm corrosive, a death fly

queenleblanc

queenleblanc

New member
Joined
Dec 11, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Georgia, US
You ever watched the movie Melancholia? I felt so identified. I'm unable to do anything at all, corraled by my feelings, yet in my passiveness I bring destruction to all those who walk around me. Just by not doing anything, I destroy the world.

The world turns once and I survive, but the world around me gets uglier and uglier. Everyone suffers my stay, everyone but me. I stay the same, ever feeding off the negativity. The suffering of others seems to validate me and my frustration with existence. The suffering I eat makes me suffer, but that's my way of life.

I just stay here, pretend everything is right, make everyone around me invest their time and effort in helping me find my balance, and then I give up and pull everyone down when they least expect it.

I've always identified with fleas and ticks. They're black like death, they feed off the blood and suffering of others, and their existence has no purpose than to sustain everyone's misery, until their untimely end comes in a bottle of alcohol, pinched out of hiding by a careful veterinary whose only desire is to help the world by ridding it of the parasite's existence.

I've lost hope of improving. 15 years of trying to step forward, to give at least one step toward change, but it seems as if every step I take keeps me in place. I can't move from where I am, no matter how much I struggle.
 
Jimh

Jimh

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 10, 2019
Messages
123
Location
south wales, uk
If people are investing their time and effort into you its because you are worth putting time and effort in. People don't put up with people who offer nothing back (at least that's my cynical view). This means you must be doing something right for them to want to help you and you should take comfort in that if nothing else.

It's hard to see when you're making improvements to yourself, especially when self loathing comes into play but I'm sure you can find ways you've been strengthened and improved by your experiences. A lot of people don't have to suffer the daily struggle you face and I think you'll find by facing what you do you are at least a lot more interesting than the majority of people.

I like your flea and tick metaphor by the way, very well written.
 
E

EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
2,910
Location
USA
The girl in melancholia cheats on her husband AT the wedding reception. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you didn’t do that?

in all seriousness though the fact you’re concerned about being negative means you have hope to be more positive. It’s okay to not be a super bubbly person. That’s not natural for everyone. I’m sure you’re not sucking the life out of people even if you feel that way sometimes.

try listing your positive traits and what you like about yourself ❤
 
queenleblanc

queenleblanc

New member
Joined
Dec 11, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Georgia, US
The girl in melancholia cheats on her husband AT the wedding reception. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you didn’t do that?
I watched that movie years ago, once, so I don't remember the details, and I didn't remember that part.

That said, I'm not an angel. Throughout my "adult" life, all my "jobs" have been merely promises I've made, and I've always failed to deliver. I've always gotten the money, and then when the time comes for results, I'm just shooting blanks and disappearing. Same goes for relationships. I always present myself as a mature person with overall positive traits. Then when the time comes to stand up for them, I can't help but bail. At the last moment, at the most important moment, I always realize I don't care at all, and that it's too much effort, and I leave the promisees to fend themselves without me.

So yeah, I haven't cheated on a new husband at the wedding day, but it would not be inaccurate to say that it would fit me given my history. If I married, I'd realize at the last moment that I don't care, because I'm unable to care for people, and that I'm putting myself in for a long relationship filled with lies, suffering, false compromises, and I'd try to give myself an out by promising myself that no matter what happens, I will be free. And then I'd justify that cheating is ok.

in all seriousness though the fact you’re concerned about being negative means you have hope to be more positive. It’s okay to not be a super bubbly person. That’s not natural for everyone. I’m sure you’re not sucking the life out of people even if you feel that way sometimes.
Yeah, you're right in a sense. I wish my aura weren't death black but life green. I wish I could leave beauty and happiness behind instead of the sour taste of hatred and disappointment. I can't even be pitiful without turning my image into a nasty swamp. But the thing is, I have no idea how to change all of that. Trying to change feels like trying to lift a mountain. Even the tiniest of tasks are daunting for me.

try listing your positive traits and what you like about yourself ❤
I'm smart, charismatic. I can sell myself very well, put my brain on a platter and convince anyone that it's the tastiest of delicacies.

I write and speak well. I can explain things very easily, and I can clarify anything that is hard or complex. I can break things apart, analyze them and systematically feed them into a simplified explanation. It's always a joy to be complimented about how easy I made something that was previously a tangled mess. I wish I could apply this to my own life but I always fail to perceive things accurately when they relate to giving myself advice.

That's about it, though. My personality is nasty, my emotional intelligence is 0, my ability to compromise is in the negatives. My life seems to be going in a downward spiral and all I can do is watch open-mouthed as it falls. Sometimes I wish I hadn't destroyed everything I cherished, but then I remember that I can't not do it, and that given the chance, I'd always do it again.

If people are investing their time and effort into you its because you are worth putting time and effort in. People don't put up with people who offer nothing back (at least that's my cynical view). This means you must be doing something right for them to want to help you and you should take comfort in that if nothing else.
You ever heard of a scam? Millions of people are scammed every year. It's a crime because it exists, yet people still look at things that are too good to be true and invest themselves in them. People do put up with anything they perceive to be valuable. Things don't have to be valuable to appear so.

I just happen to be an expert at showing value in myself, even though I know that I'm lying and coating myself with golden paint. When it gets scratched and the putrid interior is shown, I bail at once. And oh, how many people have hated me over the years.

I've always hated myself for being inadequate. I always wish I were what I show myself as. Because when I show myself as I am, I'm not even an empty husk, always covered in golden paint. I'm just pathetic, bound to always be nothing, an ever-sucking void.

---

You know, in business terms, what I do is called marketing. I'm an expert at crafting the sales speech. But when it comes to delivering the product, that's not what I'm good at. This means that if I sell something of mine, be it effort, a promise, a literal commercial product, etc., I'm only good at convincing people to buy, and when it comes to the delivery, I either rely on someone else to deliver, or I fail and they're disappointed.

I hate this. There seems to be no point in continuing. I keep struggling and it's meaningless in the end. All my efforts end up being for naught because I can't even deliver for myself. I can't put in the effort. I tell myself it's there, I'm great convincing even myself, and then I go to fetch it and I'm limp, weak, powerless. There are so many things I want, but I'm never going to accomplish them. I wonder what the point is then to continue fighting if there's no hope to succeed.
 
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