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I'm convinced that I'm a horrible person

SicklyBloom

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
78
Location
USA
Lately I've been remembering past experiences, including one where I got so angry I lashed out at a loved one.

I have perfectionist tendencies, as well as suicidal ones. I'm now convinced that nothing good can happen to me because I feel like I don't deserve it. It got to the point where I cried and woke up my mother in the middle of the night telling her how disgusting I felt. I even told my mother that the people who have avoided contact with me should consider themselves lucky because I'm difficult and unpredictable. I feel ashamed of even showing an inkling of happiness because it makes me feel gross. Growing up, I was severely bullied by my peers, as well as a few adult figures. One of my peers did call me "annoying" and an "attention seeker". Now as I grow older, it's becoming less and less tangible. I have reoccurring suicidal thoughts and consistently refuse any compliments or kind gestures because I feel undeserving of it.

I feel like I don't deserve to make new friends or have romantic relationships because of my hurtful past experiences, whether my fault or not. I don't feel like any one will truly love me because of emotional issues. It's already bad enough that I've turned off a few people that I've been openly honest to, so it wouldn't surprise me if they chose someone else over me. I know I'll never be that rosy-faced, naïve girl that I used to be when I was younger. I just want to lie in bed until I'm so numb I forget what I was crying over. I just don't want to be here if it means I continue to upset or disappoint people.
 
C

Constantin5

Member
Joined
Feb 18, 2020
Messages
15
Location
Mainz
Reading your text I feel a lot of desperation coming over. You feel worthless, because you see yourself as a person who sometimes disappoints or annoys people.

But what does make a human being valuable? If you think of a person you love - is he or she just lovable, because he is "useful" to anyone?
 
C

coggoblin

Member
Joined
Feb 8, 2020
Messages
17
Location
United States
I know how it feels to have trouble accepting nice things and feeling like they're undeserved, maybe not to the same extent, but I want to say that making mistakes or being unpredictable does not make you undeserving of love and kindness. Everyone, even the best people, mess up sometimes. Some people have discomfort with unpredictability but those who are not understanding are just not compatible with you for love or friendship and that's okay. It sucks when it feels like people don't like you or if they say mean things because you might think there has to be some truth to the bad things people think, but 1 or even 100 people's perceptions of you don't define how everyone thinks of you or who you are. Mean things people have said or done to you shouldn't influence your opinion of yourself, I know it's easier to say that than believe it though. Of course it's not fun if someone doesn't like you, but not everyone has to like you for you to be a good person. If you are unpredictable or emotional that is not your fault, you have no obligation to be what someone else wants you to be. There are people who love you and more people who will love you for all of your qualities. Overall, don't feel like there's something wrong with you if people leave. You probably bring more good into people's lives than you realize, and anything bad you may think you have done doesn't take that away.
 
J

jamraspberry

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 11, 2020
Messages
230
Location
World
You are not alone, sometimes I think I am a horrible person sometimes during my anxiety attacks. But when I am not in 'anxiety mode' I am mostly warm-hearted.
 
SicklyBloom

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
78
Location
USA
You are not alone, sometimes I think I am a horrible person sometimes during my anxiety attacks. But when I am not in 'anxiety mode' I am mostly warm-hearted.
I feel warm-hearted, but I feel like I've hardened over time. I'm angrier and colder. I honestly don't know what to do.
 
J

jamraspberry

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 11, 2020
Messages
230
Location
World
I feel warm-hearted, but I feel like I've hardened over time. I'm angrier and colder. I honestly don't know what to do.
I've hardened over time too, I have become less loving to family and friends in real life, it's my trust issues and my severe anxiety. Hopefully I will get help to become more loving but I need a counsellor.

Have you spoken to a counsellor or your doctor?
 
SicklyBloom

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
78
Location
USA
I've hardened over time too, I have become less loving to family and friends in real life, it's my trust issues and my severe anxiety. Hopefully I will get help to become more loving but I need a counsellor.

Have you spoken to a counsellor or your doctor?
I haven't spoken to a doctor, but I have a therapist. Hopefully, that's enough, right? I'm just at the beginning of understanding everything.
 
Tin Woodman

Tin Woodman

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 26, 2020
Messages
50
Location
Washington, US
Lately I've been remembering past experiences, including one where I got so angry I lashed out at a loved one.

I have perfectionist tendencies, as well as suicidal ones. I'm now convinced that nothing good can happen to me because I feel like I don't deserve it. It got to the point where I cried and woke up my mother in the middle of the night telling her how disgusting I felt. I even told my mother that the people who have avoided contact with me should consider themselves lucky because I'm difficult and unpredictable. I feel ashamed of even showing an inkling of happiness because it makes me feel gross. Growing up, I was severely bullied by my peers, as well as a few adult figures. One of my peers did call me "annoying" and an "attention seeker". Now as I grow older, it's becoming less and less tangible. I have reoccurring suicidal thoughts and consistently refuse any compliments or kind gestures because I feel undeserving of it.

I feel like I don't deserve to make new friends or have romantic relationships because of my hurtful past experiences, whether my fault or not. I don't feel like any one will truly love me because of emotional issues. It's already bad enough that I've turned off a few people that I've been openly honest to, so it wouldn't surprise me if they chose someone else over me. I know I'll never be that rosy-faced, naïve girl that I used to be when I was younger. I just want to lie in bed until I'm so numb I forget what I was crying over. I just don't want to be here if it means I continue to upset or disappoint people.
Holding yourself to a high standard is healthy, allowing guilt and shame to dampen your life experience is not. We all make mistakes and harm other people, which is part of navigating this bizarre experience known as human existence. Suicide is a waste of a beautiful gift that we are blessed with. People care about you, the damage that you would cause them mentally is never worth it outside of a merciful death to avoid a painful one. I considered suicide after being diagnosed with cancer, but chose not to after considering how it would affect my family. Life just sucks sometimes, but life is what you make it... meaning is whatever you decide it to be.
 
Nada Importa

Nada Importa

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 3, 2020
Messages
203
Location
Los Angeles
Lately I've been remembering past experiences, including one where I got so angry I lashed out at a loved one.

I have perfectionist tendencies, as well as suicidal ones. I'm now convinced that nothing good can happen to me because I feel like I don't deserve it. It got to the point where I cried and woke up my mother in the middle of the night telling her how disgusting I felt. I even told my mother that the people who have avoided contact with me should consider themselves lucky because I'm difficult and unpredictable. I feel ashamed of even showing an inkling of happiness because it makes me feel gross. Growing up, I was severely bullied by my peers, as well as a few adult figures. One of my peers did call me "annoying" and an "attention seeker". Now as I grow older, it's becoming less and less tangible. I have reoccurring suicidal thoughts and consistently refuse any compliments or kind gestures because I feel undeserving of it.

I feel like I don't deserve to make new friends or have romantic relationships because of my hurtful past experiences, whether my fault or not. I don't feel like any one will truly love me because of emotional issues. It's already bad enough that I've turned off a few people that I've been openly honest to, so it wouldn't surprise me if they chose someone else over me. I know I'll never be that rosy-faced, naïve girl that I used to be when I was younger. I just want to lie in bed until I'm so numb I forget what I was crying over. I just don't want to be here if it means I continue to upset or disappoint people.
you sound exactly like me. There are very few people that like me including myself. I don’t think my husband likes me either love me but I don’t think he likes but that’s OK I don’t like him either. Doctors and shrinks have treated me like I don’t matter so I guess I don’t. People don’t care about People with borderline because nobody wants to deal with it. I am just too difficult. They really only have one friend And that relationship is extremely tenuous. He is pretty much fed up with me. If I could find a way to leave this earth I would. Because there is no place anywhere
 
leekeen17382

leekeen17382

Member
Joined
Jun 1, 2020
Messages
7
Location
England
Doctors and shrinks have treated me like I don’t matter so I guess I don’t. People don’t care about People with borderline because nobody wants to deal with it. I am just too difficult.
I feel like this completely. I understand i am difficult to deal with but does that really mean i am unworthy of help?
every time i reach out to mental health services they seem like they have no idea what to do with me and i always end up with no help. I’ve been on the same medication for 5 years now and it has never been reviewed.
Makes it pretty hard to like or even deal with yourself when you’re pretty much abandoned..
 
Nada Importa

Nada Importa

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 3, 2020
Messages
203
Location
Los Angeles
I have been made to feel completely worthless by everyone.
 
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