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I'm certain I'm different, but it's been implied multiple times that I could have a disorder...

W

Where_To_Go

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Jul 8, 2013
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I'm certain I'm different, but it's been implied multiple times that I could have a disorder...

I'm not exactly sure if I'm searching for an answer or not. I know I have a handle on myself, but sometimes it's been stressed that I can overreact to things.

Ever since I started school I realized that I lacked something that other kids had; I wasn't emotional phased by much of anything, but I liked to lash out when anyone questioned it. I quickly learned to lie about any of my faults and watched how everyone reacted, mimicking how the responded.
I didn't think anything about my lack emotion, because I still felt hurt when I didn't do as well as what was expected (emotionally, behaviorally, or grade-wise), still found joy, although I always felt so distant from everyone else. I still had nervousness and was high strung...enough to be prescribed ADHD meds, though even at age of 7, I knew my attentiveness and concentration were fine.
It didn't take me long to stop showing who I really was and learn slide-of-hand in my teens so I didn't take the pills and just threw them down vents.
In my late teens I quickly realized that I could do very bad things to people and could easily learn to cover my tracks. I knew I could pit-pocket if I wanted to, because I could take things off of my older brother's person, just to see if I could. I would see people I despised after school, isolated, and I would think of how I could harm/scare them with no one to see and knowing exactly what to say to make them keep their mouths shut. I felt no remorse in thinking any of it, but I knew not to act on it, because I trained myself to recognize what was appropriate and what wasn't.
I started hearing voices when I was sixteen, but they're mottled nonsense, like hearing someone talking on the other side of a wall. They sound real, but I know they are not real and just ignore them, even though they startle me when I'm alone.
I only told my family about all of this once, and they reacted by telling I was just having a nervous breakdown, and tried drugging my food and drink with their sleep meds. My brother's gf informed me of this, so I refused to eat or drink anything I hadn't prepared myself. When my mother had her own, very real, breakdown about it all, I felt nothing about it and lived out of my car in another city, until I felt it was safe to go back and face them.

Aldulthood's dealt me a new issue...I want a normal future; a loving marriage, possibly kids. I've never felt love, though, and can't hold on to a boyfriend to save myself. And I'm scared of myself around kids; mainly due to their parents' comments. I babysit kids occasionally, for free. I feel much more concern and worry for their well being than anyone else's. I play with them, build tent forts and imagine with them, teach them how to garden with me...but I discipline. Their parents spank, and tell me not to hesitate to spank when they're out of line. I do, but I have to stop myself soon, to the point of gritting my teeth, because I want to keep going, but I know the fine line between a spank and a beating. I expect respect from them, won't give them anything they want until they say please and thank you, even if they break down crying. Oddly enough, my demand for politeness gets and more negative reaction than my spanking, from the parents. If I don't give the kids what they want or make them sit in time out until they tell me they're sorry, I get the comments that I'm "being too hard on them."
It makes me afraid of being alone with children, because what their parents are concerned with in my want for respect and not being as concerned as I am about spanking is stressful for me to comprehend. I say nothing about it though, and do it the way they want.

This all still echos in me today, in my late twenties. I still hear voices that I absolutely ignore, I still feel little emotional connection to others, I still have curiosity and intrigue for harmful/degrading/fatal things, I still get easily provoked when people question my actions (though I better at hiding it), I still know what is right and wrong and have to act out the appropriate responses when I know my mind thinks differently.
One thing that has changed incredibly though is the fact that even though with empathy only runs skin deep toward most people, I make sure to go out of my way to help them, take care of them, and show that they can count on me.
Which they truthfully can; I care a lot about people.
I just feel next to no concern if something bad were to happen to them. There's only one or two people I feel anything for. My various school counselors and a psychology professor have seen some scratched surface of me and expressed a concern on whether I could have a personality disorder, but I never divulged anything and they never stressed and pursuit into it, because I was always a relatively quiet, well-mannered/behaved student.

I'm paranoid of keeping up this facade in my relations. I've built up such good standing as someone who'd "take a bullet for you" (and I have put myself in harm's way for others on more than one occasion) that I don't want to lose it all to telling them that I wouldn't be bothered if they died or I never saw them again. Because I burn bridges in seconds flat without guilt, and I've lost good friends to death and had to fake tears to make people think that I'm distressed about it.

It's always been this way.
I have the means and capability to be someone terrible, and it wouldn't bother me to be such, but I don't do it because I realize it's not appropriate, and that it's logically better to keep it quiet.
It's depressing to think about, but that's how it needs to be.

So...thoughts? There's much more to it, but I'd rather not go to a professional. I know these things I think could land me in a mental ward, or worse, in a prescription cocktail.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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most people have the means and the capability to be someone terrible
they choose not to
xx
I don't think a mental ward is needed or maybe even medication ,I think you could do withy some serious talking therapy
(im not a doctor though obviously)
the question is-you say you have the means and capability to be a bad person?
well does that worry you ,the thought of being a bad person ,maybe hurting others does that worry you or do you not care?
am wondering this because it makes a huge difference to what type of person you truly are
like-if I hurt somebody by accident I would feel bad ,if I hurt somebody on purpose? well I never would because I wouldn't want to be responsible for another persons pain
sorry if im making little or no sense
xx
welcome to the forum we will support you in any way we can
xx
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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Joined
Apr 9, 2011
Messages
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Location
Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
you say you realise its not appropriate to hurt somebody-so you can tell right from wrong
however hurting somebody wouldn't bother you?
so there fore I think what I said before-I think you could benefit maybe from talking therapy
a mental ward is usually for those who are not able to form coherent rational thoughts about hurting others(well when they are in hospital because of hurting others that is)
and medication cant help people behave nicer toward people-it cant change your basic personality
xx
 
W

Where_To_Go

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Jul 8, 2013
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The only time the concept of hurting someone bothers me is with children, and oddly, my mother. That's it.

For more clarification though, I don't hurt others I want to hurt, because I realize it is not condoned and considerably risky, not because it would hurt them.
 
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