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I'm at a loss

S

strangely

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Jan 5, 2015
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I should start off by saying a bit about myself I suppose? I'm a 21 year old female and my name is Laura. I live at home with my mum and my older brother (who is staying at home temporarily). I have no idea if this is the correct forum to be posting in, and I've never actually registered with a forum like this before to post anything but I feel like I'm at a loss and a dead end. And, well, I'm not doing anything else at 2:40am, so...

I'm not in college or university, and I don't have a job. I went to college for a year (on an art course) but it just wasn't for me and there was quite a bit of stress and drama with some of the people on said course. All in all, it was very off putting. This was about three years ago. I had no idea what to do with myself or where I'd go from there. I self harmed for the first time (I haven't self harmed since this incident three years ago). I really wasn't thinking and it wasn't too serious. I confessed to my parents (my mum and step dad) and they agreed to let me work in their shop (they ran a sandwich bar at the time). It was okay I suppose. I mainly washed dishes and I got along with the people who worked there, but you don't exactly feel hopeful when you're scrubbing dirty dishes everyday.

Cut forward about a year.. My step dad is arrested. I should mention my step dad is practically my closest friend, he's the only person I could really talk (and still is the only person I can talk to). I can't get into the ins and outs of what happened, but the whole thing was very stressful and two years on he's still in prison but in the process of appealing. When this happened it was just me and my mum living at home. She fell ill with depression and anxiety and was having bad panic attacks, so her dad decided it was best to close the business and sell it. At the beginning of the year we moved house and my mum is in a better place now, I sat with her through many panic attacks and always listened when she had something to say that was on her mind. This prompted my brother to move in (he'd been living out of town in his own flat), to help pay bills.

Since the closure of our shop I haven't had a job, and it's become a huge problem. I should explain that in all the years I've felt hopeless and low and practically hated myself I've kept relatively quiet. I feel I'm unable to speak up and simply don't know how to express what I'm feeling, especially to certain members in my family. I have no friends apart from two, a friend from high school and a friend I've known for a few years over the internet.

The only issue is my school friend lives away and is studying at university and has NO idea about my depression/anxiety. Believe me when I say I've mastered internalizing my feelings. My online friend I've practically avoided for two months, it's not that my friend has done anything wrong. I simply went away with my mum for my birthday two months ago and since I returned home I simply wasn't in the mood to talk, and this ticked over into days, weeks.. and now months. I feel horribly guilty because God only knows what he must be thinking. But this is something I do and I honestly don't understand it.. I avoid people I like? Days just merge together for me. I tell myself I'll contact someone tomorrow and then two weeks later I'm still telling myself I'll do it and I... don't.

I can't pin point the last time I was happy with myself and felt confidence. If I had to guess I would say it was in primary school, basically anytime before the age of 11/12. I won't lie, high school was kind of rough.. and I wasn't there most the time. I think I had a 40% attendance over-all, due to being "sick" a lot. (I got very good at pretending to be sick haha..) My grades were okay. I skipped school a lot due to bullying. I'm very pale, so I somehow became the target for a lot of bullying because of it and it took me many years to simply accept the way I look. Ever since school I've desperately tried to avoid conflict and I suppose I'm very cowardly like that and that hasn't really changed :/

College was okay too, to begin with. I made some decent friends but, of course, I have contact with none of them now. Now I spend my days holed up in my room, eagerly waiting for my step dad to call everyday (the phone calls only last a few minutes each time). With any luck he'll be out by the end of the year but I won't hold my breath. I've been telling myself everything will be fine and dandy when he's out and that we'll find somewhere new to live and 'start anew'.

But I don't know how to 'solve' myself. I'm too scared to leave the house, my grandparents mock me ("oh wow, she's out of her room for once!" "Laura I haven't seen that film because some of us have a life.") These are the comments I get from my own flesh and blood? ... Really? Do people think I enjoy this life? Calling it a life is a bit of a stretch. I basically exist, now. I'll only change into day clothes if I absolutely have to be somewhere. My own mother doesn't seem to want to talk and I don't even know how to approach her, plus she has found new friends and does her own thing. My brother is always working in his room and I don't believe I've ever had a deep and personal conversation with him. I actually argued with my brother on Christmas day of all days because I still don't have a job. The bills in this house are high, I do pay my mum board each month. I don't technically have a job but I have been earning money online via artwork, that and I've been relying on birthday savings to help pay for things. I've looked around online for anything I could do but seem to keep hitting dead ends.

I'd nab myself a job no problem if I felt anything close to 'normal'. Everything seems to come so naturally to everyone else around me. The thought of being interviewed terrifies me. The thought of leaving the house alone and going somewhere alone terrifies me. If ever I'm anxious my whole stomach is in knots and I can't help but snap at people. I can't handle making phonecalls or talking on the phone to anyone that I'm not comfortable with. I'm terrible with numbers and maths always trips me up. So how do I go from being like this to having a job and earning money and keeping my family off my back?

For two weeks now I've remained pretty much bed ridden. I keep asking myself 'what is the point?' I make off hand remarks about offing myself, without actually revealing to anyone that, once or twice, I have considered killing myself. At this point I feel like I'm alive to simply spite myself, that and I live for the day I can move out of this town and leave bad memories behind. I dream about being normal, living in my own flat, having friends, going out, holding down a job and hopefully doing something I love, maybe even have a relationship which I've never had before or even given much thought to.

It makes me miserable to realise that the issue is always money, and that no one seems interested in asking me why I never leave my room, why I never get dressed, why I don't go out or go back to college etc etc. Either family members simply don't care or they've given up on me without even so much as offering a word of comfort. I can't help but feel my family is incredibly repressive when it comes to personal conflicts and feelings. I know my mother loves me and thinks a lot of me but she has been incredibly protective over the years and somehow I don't feel it has helped. I just know that sooner or later there's going to be another row because useless ol' me has no job and has no use to anybody. My brother is most likely moving out within the next month or two to start a new job elsewhere, then it would be my mum and I alone. (I must also mention that she also doesn't have a job, but does some security work for her dad so he pays her for that, but it is by no means permanent. But this puts even more pressure on me to find some money making solution)

Right now I just feel like a shell. There is no motivation to do anything at any given time, there seems very little point and very little hope, there's no one I can talk to face to face, I avoid my own friend online, I even eat simply because I have to. Some days I'm fine and I don't question anything and simply waste the day idly away but I'm constantly reminded that my train of thought, the way I'm feeling, the fact I do next to nothing and that my life is non-existent is just not normal. I just feel like... a ghost. I don't seem to fit in at all with anyone, anywhere. Yet, when I'm around people I know I'm the loudest and most talkative, I make jokes like there's no tomorrow. But, alone? It's just me with my own thoughts 24/7 and not a single person around me truly knows what goes on inside my head and it's the loneliest thing ever. I enjoy my own alone time (I'm alone most the time anyway) but to be alone and feel so low, like you're useless and feel so empty and guilty? It's horrid. It's ten times worse when not a single person knows what I've struggled to deal with alone. I'm not sure how on earth I'd ever turn around to someone I care about and tell them 'by the way, I've sometimes thought about killing myself and despite what you see I actually don't like myself very much.'

Therapy is not something I've properly considered, and the thought of talking to one is extremely nerve wracking and daunting, nor do I see the point. I haven't been able to be openly honest with the people I consider closest, so I feel it would almost be out of the question. So I registered here and decided once and for all to just get this off my chest because it might be a tiny step toward something better (kudos to anyone that read all of this though, I've never been good at being short and brief with explanations heh)
 
Last edited:
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Well, I have read all of your post.

It sounds as though keeping these feelings to yourself is really starting to eat away at you.
The whole thing about not keeping in touch with your friend is understandable really. It's something that I do too.
But i'm wondering how comfortable you'd be with getting in touch and saying something like "Sorry i've not been in contact for a while. I've actually been feeling pretty down lately and am still struggling, so am not up for talking much, but just wanted you to know i'm thinking of you"...?
Or do you feel that even saying that would be disclosing too much?

The thing about the comments from your Grandparents, I see that those comments are unsupportive.
But, and this is by no means saying you 'deserve' the way you're being treated, if your family don't know how much you're suffering then how can they know that they need to be a bit more gentle with you?
As I said, i'm not saying that to put any blame on you. But people can't read your mind.:hug1:

It seems you are quite a thoughtful person and considerate of other people.
Sometimes, it's easy to make the mistake of thinking that other people have the same thoughts that you do.
Just because you would notice if someone else was low or hiding away, it doesn't mean that other's would, and so you mustn't take it that they don't care or anything like that... it's more than likely that they're just unaware and ignorant to what you're going through.

Seeing as your Mum has had her own struggles, do you think she'd be a bit more empathetic towards you if you told her about how you feel?
I understand that you've said she's a bit better now, but ultimately she'll know what it's like to feel low and generally lost in life.

I think that in terms of feeling better, you would be better off reaching out for help.
Sounds like you've tried to battle this by yourself for too long, and it's not got you anywhere.
It might seem risky, it might seem pointless - either way, it's worth a shot because you don't want to end up at that point where you might act on those thoughts about not being here any more.:unsure:

So, my advice to you would be to see a GP and explain everything. Tell them how low you are, tell them you struggle to get out of bed, tell them that you don't see much point in living.

Also, it might be worth looking into claiming ESA, particularly as it does sound like you are suffering from depression.
I'll be honest, you have to jump through a lot of hoops in order to claim it - but perhaps it'll help take some of that pressure off of you to contribute financially?

I dream about being normal, living in my own flat, having friends, going out, holding down a job and hopefully doing something I love, maybe even have a relationship which I've never had before or even given much thought to
Finally, hold on to these dreams. They might seem a million miles away right now, but none of what you've said is impossible. They're all very reasonable goals and are totally attainable.
 
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