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I'm ashamed of my medication

A

Amphie

Member
Joined
Apr 17, 2019
Messages
12
Location
VT
Hello. She/Her 24yo.

I have panic disorder. I have nocturnal panic. I haven't had normal, consistent sleep in just under a year. 3 months ago I finally decided I needed help, and went to a counselor. 1 month ago, my counselor suggested that counseling may not be enough for me. That I should speak to a psychopharmacologist. When she said that I had a panic attack in her office.

It took so much out of me just to go get help in the first place. I had to throw out so much of my pride, and my understanding of myself to admit that there was something going on, and that I needed help. I never understood myself as someone who had 'autonomy' or control over my body. I just happened to be in my body. My mind though, that is me. I'm smart, I'm calm under pressure, and I'm decisive. Not only did this stupid shit take all of that understanding of myself away from me. It then said, "and if you wanna get better, you have to tell other people about how fucked up your are. How you broke. How you are just another, anxious, middle class white girl who, 'just can't'."

But I did it anyway, because I felt so shitty, and tired, and I just wanted to be myself again. But it wasn't done. Not only do I have to admit all that shit, but now, I can't even do this on my own. I'm sitting here typing this staring at a bottle of Fluoxetine (prozac), that I just got filled today, and all I can think is, "I lost."

I had decided to fight panic, to roll up my sleeves, look that monster in the face, and flip it off, but it didn't work. I couldn't handle this on my own. I think it's the last shred of my old understanding of myself dying. I thought I would at least have the mental fortitude to fight back, and win. But I don't. And what's worse, is I'm being a stubborn ass-hat about it. There's also just no way for me to deny that I have something wrong with me. As soon as I take that stupid pill, it means that there is something MEDICALLY wrong with me. And if anyone found out...

I would feel so ashamed. This is how broken I am. I can't control my own mind. I am unstable. I am unreliable. I am anxious. I am afraid. I am tired.

And I'm FUCKING SCARED to take it. What if it changes me forever? These are my brain chemicals? My brain is... me. I know I should just shut up and take it, I'm just so upset I couldn't find a way to do this on my own. It feels like all the hard work to get better, all the things I admitted to about myself. They were all for nothing.

I could really use some comfort and motivation. I rationally understand I should take this medication. I'm just really... anxious.
 
M

Mister_Fabulous formerly BetaMale

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2018
Messages
1,260
Location
India
I realized that I was losing my mind when I was 15. I kept it a secret until I was 17. When one's brain's circuits are defective, as they were in my case, it really is impossible to think one's way out of it. You'll have to rely on something external like therapy or medication to rewire your brain. Yes, it will change you forever -- it will change you into the person you would be without the disorder!
 
Quijas6

Quijas6

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 21, 2020
Messages
303
Location
USA
It was devastating for me too to have to take medication. It frightened me that I could not control my own mind and that, maybe, I would not be able to trust my own mind. Honestly, your fears make sense to me. I hope you feel better, no matter what you decide.
 
K

Kmw

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
82
Location
Timaru
Don’t feel ashamed to take medication. Mental illness is a true illness and it’s just like if you had to take medication for high blood pressure or something like that. I too battled with antidepressants and would go on and off them. I was so scared people would find out and I still hide them in my drawer. However I came to the conclusion that I’m not a failure for taking them and although my depression and anxiety are still here it’s not quite as bad. Please take them knowing they will take a few weeks to kick in. Be kind to yourself.
 
sad_heart20

sad_heart20

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 20, 2020
Messages
296
Location
USA
dont feel bad.
medication does help.
 
W

WhatSarahSaid

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2020
Messages
147
Location
New York
Medication can be very helpful. Remember, the mind is part of the body. Think of it like a medication for any other health issue, which is what it should be viewed as by society. There is nothing wrong with having a medical issue. My best friend takes prozac, she has for many years now. Before that she was so anxious, and miserable because of it. After she took it for a while, she was so much happier.

And the things you said to your therapist were not for nothing. Talking helps to process thoughts. There is no shame in medication of any kind. Accepting help is ok, everyone needs help sometimes, and there is no shame in trying to feel better.
 
B

Berg

Active member
Joined
Mar 10, 2020
Messages
33
Location
UK
Medication will help you regain control, never be ashamed. You are not alone.
 
M

Mister_Fabulous formerly BetaMale

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2018
Messages
1,260
Location
India
You shouldn't be any more ashamed about taking Prozac than of using toothpaste.
 
F

Fancyharm

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
701
Location
West Midlands
Haven't read all of the posts, but please don't be ashamed.

I do know how you feel, but it isn't your fault about what medication you are on.

It will be ok.👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
 
R

ramboghettouk

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2008
Messages
16,454
Location
london
there is stigma attached to mental illness and taking meds for it is admitting you've got it, i never said i agreed with it, i take meds for mental illness but i have to say it has been held against me
 
R

ramboghettouk

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2008
Messages
16,454
Location
london
on the other hand crap councillers tell you not to perceive yourself as mentally ill but unless you perceive yourself as ill and argue it strongly you'll fail that welfare benefit interview
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
488
Hello. She/Her 24yo.

I have panic disorder. I have nocturnal panic. I haven't had normal, consistent sleep in just under a year. 3 months ago I finally decided I needed help, and went to a counselor. 1 month ago, my counselor suggested that counseling may not be enough for me. That I should speak to a psychopharmacologist. When she said that I had a panic attack in her office.

It took so much out of me just to go get help in the first place. I had to throw out so much of my pride, and my understanding of myself to admit that there was something going on, and that I needed help. I never understood myself as someone who had 'autonomy' or control over my body. I just happened to be in my body. My mind though, that is me. I'm smart, I'm calm under pressure, and I'm decisive. Not only did this stupid shit take all of that understanding of myself away from me. It then said, "and if you wanna get better, you have to tell other people about how fucked up your are. How you broke. How you are just another, anxious, middle class white girl who, 'just can't'."

But I did it anyway, because I felt so shitty, and tired, and I just wanted to be myself again. But it wasn't done. Not only do I have to admit all that shit, but now, I can't even do this on my own. I'm sitting here typing this staring at a bottle of Fluoxetine (prozac), that I just got filled today, and all I can think is, "I lost."

I had decided to fight panic, to roll up my sleeves, look that monster in the face, and flip it off, but it didn't work. I couldn't handle this on my own. I think it's the last shred of my old understanding of myself dying. I thought I would at least have the mental fortitude to fight back, and win. But I don't. And what's worse, is I'm being a stubborn ass-hat about it. There's also just no way for me to deny that I have something wrong with me. As soon as I take that stupid pill, it means that there is something MEDICALLY wrong with me. And if anyone found out...

I would feel so ashamed. This is how broken I am. I can't control my own mind. I am unstable. I am unreliable. I am anxious. I am afraid. I am tired.

And I'm FUCKING SCARED to take it. What if it changes me forever? These are my brain chemicals? My brain is... me. I know I should just shut up and take it, I'm just so upset I couldn't find a way to do this on my own. It feels like all the hard work to get better, all the things I admitted to about myself. They were all for nothing.

I could really use some comfort and motivation. I rationally understand I should take this medication. I'm just really... anxious.
seeking help from a pdoc or therapist is a sign of strength not weakness....i understand there is a certain degree of stigma but one need s to rise above that....in my eyes as in many others you are seen as strong for seeking out help. One could hardly believe that the individual who cowers at home and obstinately refuses to seek help, one can hardly believe theyre strong, but they are weak for letting stigma crush them. Who cares what your friends or associates think, do you want to waste away at home or be strong and show the character to go out and get [email protected], you are strong for seeking out help....dont let stigma defeat you
 
R

ramboghettouk

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2008
Messages
16,454
Location
london
the no of times i've seen med refuseniks suceed with the women whilst i fail, thats why the stigma of taking meds and in effect admitting you've got it matters to me
 
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