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I'm afraid of myself

S

SicklyBloom

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Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
189
Location
USA
I don't know what it is, but for some reason I feel like I can't trust myself anymore. I could be feeling a normal emotion like jealousy and I still manage to feel like I have to explain it, even if I'm not doing any harm. I've always had issues with making friends. Not because people don't like me, I'm just unapproachable. Lately I've been feeling like a shell of myself and have hard time forgiving myself. I've had gone through mishaps with people and I feel like what I've done still matters. It's been years since I've acted ignorantly or immaturely and yet, I still feel like those events hold true. It has since increased my anxiety and has made me attach a stigma to myself. I call myself names and continuously inhibit my growth because I still believe I deserve it. I've basically turned myself into prisoner.

I've given up on myself to the point where I feel invisible. My life itself feels inauthentic and kind of pointless to me now. Everyone I've crossed paths with is no longer in my orbit and now it's just me, enemy number one. I don't know how I'm going to help myself, especially when I feel like a loser. Nothing about me feels genuine anymore, I just feel like I'm always imploding emotionally with no escape route. I'm just ready to lock myself inside my bedroom and throw my dreams away. My dreams honestly never mattered because they're mine. I get that being kind doesn't mean anything, but it's actually what I stand for. How cynical do people have to be to believe your efforts to change mean nothing even though you're doing it for others and because it makes you feel free.

I feel so pathetic for being afraid of myself, but I don't know what to believe anymore. I just don't believe I'm who I say I am, I feel like a liar.
 
wraziel

wraziel

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Feb 12, 2020
Messages
796
Location
Chile
I feel like a farce too. But I've noticed that is not me, is just a manifestation of emptiness that can take control.
 
A

Am33

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 28, 2020
Messages
382
Location
Fiji
Anything negative we have done is still in our minds which work very much like a computer . The negative program like jealousy is still in our files we have to go back and see it and delete them . I do this everyday in my mind things I did in the past . I look at it and say to myself I wouldn't do that again and learn from the lesson .Then do positive affirmations to over come the neg energy .I think you are the right path looking at your past and recognizing you aren't that person anymore you have grown . Its good to be alone for awhile to work on your psyche .
 
L

Liana

Active member
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
34
Location
UK
I don't know what it is, but for some reason I feel like I can't trust myself anymore. I could be feeling a normal emotion like jealousy and I still manage to feel like I have to explain it, even if I'm not doing any harm. I've always had issues with making friends. Not because people don't like me, I'm just unapproachable. Lately I've been feeling like a shell of myself and have hard time forgiving myself. I've had gone through mishaps with people and I feel like what I've done still matters. It's been years since I've acted ignorantly or immaturely and yet, I still feel like those events hold true. It has since increased my anxiety and has made me attach a stigma to myself. I call myself names and continuously inhibit my growth because I still believe I deserve it. I've basically turned myself into prisoner.

I've given up on myself to the point where I feel invisible. My life itself feels inauthentic and kind of pointless to me now. Everyone I've crossed paths with is no longer in my orbit and now it's just me, enemy number one. I don't know how I'm going to help myself, especially when I feel like a loser. Nothing about me feels genuine anymore, I just feel like I'm always imploding emotionally with no escape route. I'm just ready to lock myself inside my bedroom and throw my dreams away. My dreams honestly never mattered because they're mine. I get that being kind doesn't mean anything, but it's actually what I stand for. How cynical do people have to be to believe your efforts to change mean nothing even though you're doing it for others and because it makes you feel free.

I feel so pathetic for being afraid of myself, but I don't know what to believe anymore. I just don't believe I'm who I say I am, I feel like a liar.
Hey!

I 100% relate to this. Feeling this way is so difficult and I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sending a big hug your way.

First, I want to say that you are ALLOWED to forgive yourself for past mistakes. There are tons of meditations you can do on that by searching "SELF-FORGIVENESS meditations" on YouTube. Perhaps these will help.

Second, I want to emphasize that it would be great to talk to a professional about these issues. This community is great, but you should perhaps look into a psychologist to talk about this stuff with, at least bi-weekly or monthly. I think it would help a lot. You could check out BetterHelp; it's an amazing online counselling platform on which you can remain anonymous and chat, Facetime or call a therapist no matter where you are in the world. It's WAY cheaper than normal therapy, too.

If you want to self-help, I'd suggest buying the Dialectical Behavioural Therapy Skills Workbook (SECOND EDITION) by Matthew McKay & co on Amazon. I have the e-book version, it was like 15$ and it's changed my life. It's helped me deal with guilt way better than I used to and has allowed me to move on from past mistakes (that like yours, weren't even the worst mistakes)

As for dreams, do you reckon that helping spread kindness could become a goal of yours? Perhaps you could look at jobs or school programs that will train you at a job that will help people? SO MANY jobs are linked to this (crisis teams, psychology counselling, social workers, rehab workers, etc.).

There is a LOT to unpack in your message. Why do you think you don't feel like yourself? Is it because you feel like you have no one to show "yourself" to? Do you have any close family members or old friends you could reach out to and ask help to? You are loved and I guarantee you that someone will want to understand you and stick around. If not IRL then online, and with time, IRL, too. You're worthy of living and being loved, I promise.

I would love to be your friend! You have a whole community of people on here who support you, understand you, and want to help you out. That's what we're here for!
 
B

BPDMe

Member
Joined
Nov 28, 2020
Messages
8
Location
Midlands
I relate to your post so much and this forum makes me feel so much less alone. I hope there is a small amount of comfort in knowing you aren't the only person like this in the world. I often write messages to people I've not been friends with for over 10 years apologising for the rubbish friend I was. I find it hard to move forward or accept myself or anyone else. I'm sorry that I don't know how to help as often feel the same way but you really aren't alone and places like this are a good place to come and offload
 
L

Liana

Active member
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
34
Location
UK
I relate to your post so much and this forum makes me feel so much less alone. I hope there is a small amount of comfort in knowing you aren't the only person like this in the world. I often write messages to people I've not been friends with for over 10 years apologising for the rubbish friend I was. I find it hard to move forward or accept myself or anyone else. I'm sorry that I don't know how to help as often feel the same way but you really aren't alone and places like this are a good place to come and offload
I 100% agree with this. I do the exact same thing. To help with guilt and moving on with past mistakes, I open my Notes App whenever I feel anxiety about past mistakes or my past self coming in and read this sentence aloud: "To be better, I have to learn from my mistakes. I cannot be better or do better if I focus on what I didn't do well in the past. I forgive myself for my past mistakes and I let go. Everyone makes mistakes and I will not compare my mistakes to others'." And remember you guys, we evolve. It's really stressful with the whole cancel culture (+anxiety in our minds) to always focus on what we did wrong in the past, but we CANNOT let our past selves define us. We can apologize for shitty behaviour and promise ourselves we'll work relentlessly to do better today. Think about it this way: do you still judge people from your elementary school for certain things they said? Do you still judge people from highschool for being bitchy? Are you waiting for the day when you'll be able to take your revenge on them or "expose" them? No!

People don't care about our lives for the most part. People are busy overanalyzing their own life.

And let's say you did something REALLY bad. Like you used to be racist, used to bully someone really terribly, or stole a lot of money from a homeless mother with 7 kids. Write down everything you said, did wrong, etc., and recognize that you wouldn't do nor say these things today. Thank these horrible things for having happened and for teaching you to do better today. Voice out loud that in 2020, you WOULD NOT do these things again, you UNDERSTAND why these things were bad.

As for apologizing to those you hurt, I understand that it seems like the natural thing to do as soon as you feel guilt creeping up. However, writing to the person once (if they're not a close one) is enough. Doing it over and over again will 1) make the victim uncomfortable / make them feel like they have to comfort their aggressor, bully, perpetrator, etc., and 2) make you wallow in self-pity, sadness, self-hate. Before contacting the people you hurt or self-harming to deal with guilt, REMIND YOURSELF that you did everything you could to repair your mistakes to the victim. You've expressed you were sorry, you've asked if there was anything you could do to repair the damage (apologies, paying for past therapy sessions, etc.) and you've let them know that you now understood how horrible what you did was.

And if you're looking for someone to allow you to let go, here I am. I don't know you, and I don't know what you did, but ALLOW yourself to let go. Give yourself a second chance and go prove to yourself that you can be the person you want to be.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
2,291
I had this voice in my head most of my life. In fact I credited it for my career succeses because its punitive nature made me work all the harder than everyone else. So it became reinforced in my brain that although merciless, it was a positive part of who I was.

And I wish I could pinpoint when it went away, but it did after years of therapy. I think it started by identifying who that voice was (my mom), because it wasn't me.

And you know what? I still excelled at work without it.
 
L

Liana

Active member
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
34
Location
UK
I had this voice in my head most of my life. In fact I credited it for my career succeses because its punitive nature made me work all the harder than everyone else. So it became reinforced in my brain that although merciless, it was a positive part of who I was.

And I wish I could pinpoint when it went away, but it did after years of therapy. I think it started by identifying who that voice was (my mom), because it wasn't me.

And you know what? I still excelled at work without it.
that's amazing to hear! proud of you !!
 
G

Gia Kaysen 02360

Member
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
12
Location
Massachusetts
I’m beginning to read a book called
I hate you don’t leave me
It’s all about borderline and it’s really helped me understand why I do the things I do. I Got it on eBay for under 10 bucks -I’m telling you it’s worth a read.
 
W

WhySoSerious

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
389
Location
UK
I don't know what it is, but for some reason I feel like I can't trust myself anymore. I could be feeling a normal emotion like jealousy and I still manage to feel like I have to explain it, even if I'm not doing any harm. I've always had issues with making friends. Not because people don't like me, I'm just unapproachable. Lately I've been feeling like a shell of myself and have hard time forgiving myself. I've had gone through mishaps with people and I feel like what I've done still matters. It's been years since I've acted ignorantly or immaturely and yet, I still feel like those events hold true. It has since increased my anxiety and has made me attach a stigma to myself. I call myself names and continuously inhibit my growth because I still believe I deserve it. I've basically turned myself into prisoner.

I've given up on myself to the point where I feel invisible. My life itself feels inauthentic and kind of pointless to me now. Everyone I've crossed paths with is no longer in my orbit and now it's just me, enemy number one. I don't know how I'm going to help myself, especially when I feel like a loser. Nothing about me feels genuine anymore, I just feel like I'm always imploding emotionally with no escape route. I'm just ready to lock myself inside my bedroom and throw my dreams away. My dreams honestly never mattered because they're mine. I get that being kind doesn't mean anything, but it's actually what I stand for. How cynical do people have to be to believe your efforts to change mean nothing even though you're doing it for others and because it makes you feel free.

I feel so pathetic for being afraid of myself, but I don't know what to believe anymore. I just don't believe I'm who I say I am, I feel like a liar.
Surely it makes sense that you sometimes feel fearful of what you may do? That is a brilliant thing in some ways because it shows that you have some inhibition. If you didn't care then you would just do whatever you like without regard for any consequence. As long as it is not all consuming then that sounds a reasonable thing.

I am curious as to what makes you so unapproachable?

In terms of inauthenticity, I believe authenticity is massively over-rated! I think that most people wouldn't like the "authentic" versions of others in their lives. I am constantly having to be nice, considerate, attentive when really I want people to piss off! I think most people have this imposter syndrome where they pretend to be something they aren't. I watched a video from Mark Bowden - a brilliant body language guy. He basically says that to get along with others (and in life) people have to be inauthentic and he gives a really good indication of why. Because most people never say or show what they actually think or feel because it is almost universally negative :p

I feel for you and hope this passes over time. Do you have periods where it feels less like this? Or is it a long-standing thing.
 
W

WhySoSerious

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
389
Location
UK
I had this voice in my head most of my life. In fact I credited it for my career succeses because its punitive nature made me work all the harder than everyone else. So it became reinforced in my brain that although merciless, it was a positive part of who I was.

And I wish I could pinpoint when it went away, but it did after years of therapy. I think it started by identifying who that voice was (my mom), because it wasn't me.

And you know what? I still excelled at work without it.
What a brilliant insight! I love all things behaviour and reinforcers are really helpful or harmful depending on the longer term impact.

I think we tend to take the voices of others as our own and I for one have someone else's voice deep in my head when I am being self-critical. I am unsure who as most people didn't criticise me growing up. They were just indifferent to any achievements I had. How old were you (roughly) when that disappeared a bit?

I must admit I am the same as you and only realised it as you posted this so thanks :) I believe that if I don't kick myself around and criticise everything I do that I will miss things I haven't done "right". There is a certain reinforcing that brings as it keeps me ahead of other people at work; being that guy people turn to for advice and seen as the guru. If I let go of that will I still be as effective? That is a worrisome question for me! Thanks again
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
Messages
2,291
It was about my fourth year in twice weekly psychoanalytical therapy. We identified the voice, then worked on why it had so much power. It was terrifying letting go of something that had worked for me for so many years, and I think that was part of why it was so strong.

The odd thing was it wasn't like a sudden light switch and poof. More so one day facing a stressor, I realized it was no longer there.

And to be honest, my resiliency started to significantly improve once I realized it was gone. It was a turning point.

You can still be that same guru without it. Or even better because the conflict is gone. Trust me.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
2,291
I think in all of our efforts for perfection it's really us trying to regain control we didn't have as children. And its really really hard to let go of control, particularly when it wanders over into ocd territory.

But once you do, once you realize you can't control everything, its liberating. Because then it's not on you, it's on them. And it's important that we dont take on other people's responsibilities as our own because that creates frustration when you can't ... wait for it .... control them.
 
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