I'm afraid I'm faking my mental illness

M

mariatorres

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Joined
Feb 6, 2019
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1
Location
England
#1
I recently started university and the workload is very intense. What makes it worse is my obsessiveness: I constantly stress that I'm not doing enough - counting the hours of work done and being frustrated if 8 aren't completed daily. I'm always worried that the work I'm doing doesn't constitute real work: it's too easy, it's too unproductive, etc. I'm scared I'm not writing notes properly: I flit between methods, rewrite work so many times, change my work methods, all because it never feels right and I'm scared I'm being lazy/the cause of my own failure.

Recently things got really bad, I felt very depressed and spoke to my tutor and doctor. I was recommended to intermit to seek therapy and return next year. Ever since I've felt okay, not so depressed and able to do things and even look forward to things, like dinner with friends or seeing family. It makes me worry I've made this up in the first place, and I'm seeking help I don't need. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but I'm afraid I tricked the doctor into thinking I felt like that through exaggerated symptoms because I feel fine now. I do go through phases: it gets bad and good again, usually it's bad but I've bee okay recently, apart from these obsessive thoughts about the notion of faking for laziness. Would you think it's possible that I've made up my issues? My mother says the fact I'm having these constant compulsive thoughts is a big part of the problem.
 
YOURCALLISINAQUEUE

YOURCALLISINAQUEUE

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Feb 6, 2019
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7
Location
Eastleigh
#2
I don't think you were "faking it" per se. Honestly, we're all at least partly responsible for our mental health issues, specifically through our thoughts which exist only in our heads but the symptoms and effects of them are very real.

If a mental health issue has caused you to suffer or struggle, then no, I don't think there is anything fake about it at all.
 
daffy

daffy

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hiding behind the sofa
#3
Your not faking it, probably just going thru a period of remission. It happens in all MH cases. We have good times and bad. I haven’t had a psychotic experience in 8 years now. But I am aware it could come back. Hopefully not. I suggest you go ahead with the therapy and plan to return to uni when you feel more capable.
 
TroubleinParadise

TroubleinParadise

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Jun 28, 2018
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South Africa
#4
Hey there, glad you opened up. I know what this feels like. Here's a word of advice I think that you could take to heart.

"Don't let your good days fool you into thinking that you never had the bad days."

It's okay to be okay, just as it is to not be okay. We have responsibility over the way we respond to our feelings & thoughts, however it is often, not always, the case that we have little control over what we experience - mental health issues are rough. This is a broad generalization of course, but in your case I do feel that this is applicable.
 
TroubleinParadise

TroubleinParadise

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Jun 28, 2018
Messages
60
Location
South Africa
#5
Allow yourself time to recover from this period of extreme stress. Then when you've calmed down, and it may take a while, so rest, go back to uni with the skills that you've learnt in therapy.

Regards :)
 
N

NorasDad

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Joined
Jan 15, 2019
Messages
123
#6
The more stress you have, the worse your symptoms will get. It sounds like you're actually WON the OCD sweepstakes.

You just learned that you do indeed have the tendency to engage in toxic doubt and painful ruminations that sound to be out of proportion to reality.

The good news is that your OCD is exhibiting itself as perfectionism which is a way a lot of successful people focus their OCD energy. In time, you will be able to trust that when you put extra work in RATHER than obsessing, you will feel great about the result.

You're young. You're not faking anything. You're probably going to be a doctor.

Look at this website, so you have it in your pocket (as it were).

Getselfhelp.co.uk CBT self help and therapy resources

Do those STOPP techniques every time you feel this obsessive worry starting.

Have FUN at school!