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I'm a liar (and thats the truth)

I

Isobel5

New member
Joined
May 7, 2009
Messages
1
Hi and thanks for reading. It's a big step for me to ask for help on this. Mostly because I'm so badly ashamed of it and don't like to admit it. I just hope someone on this forum has had similar experiences to me and maybe can shed a little light on what to do next.
I'm 21 years old and I've been lying quite badly since I was about 16. I've never been discovered but thats because I don't lie to everyone, only friends (and boyfriends) who have been close to me. My family has no idea.
Basically I made up a whole life for myself, and the story grew and grew over years until now I am stuck with this whole past, and I don't even know what the truth is anymore. I have to think quite hard to know what I actually DID do in the past 7 years or so, because I've fabricated stories so deeply to cover that time period.
The reason I want help is because I've been in a relationship for 6 months with someone I care about so much, yet I am hurting him with my lies. Of course, he does not know my whole past is a lie, or that some of the situations I am facing are not real. But the situations I create are sometimes stressful, and he worries about what is going on. I never wanted to make someone else worry like that, I just want to be happy as I am, and for him to be happy too.
But I just can't stop! It's got to the stage now where I've made an internet account pretending to be someone else and made a friendship with my boyfriend. He talks about out mutual 'friend' a lot - this damn friend is me. When I'm pretending to be this person I really do take on that personality, and although I'm aware I'm still myself, I feel very much like the other person. It sickens me to even write this, and I've only realised over the past week that I am suffering some kind of mental condition.
The problem with letting go is that the whole life and group of people I have created (the lie) seems real to me. I've cried when things have gone wrong, felt sad whenever I've tried to 'delete' the lies (eg the person has moved away and I plan to gradually stop talking about them until the lies have gone). The people I have 'made up' are so deeply complicated I even think they are real. I've grown attached to some ideas and even wished they could come to life.
I don't think I'm a bad person, I care so much about my boyfriend and his happiness - that's why its breaking me. I've really told too many lies to just admit the truth to him, I just want it to stop so that we can be together normally (though i won't be able to forgive myself for what I've done).
I did have a bad experience just before I started lying, I self harmed and suffered from a paranoid delusion for several months when I was 14, and dealt with it alone. After this cleared up, I described it to people as if someone else had harmed me (I felt guilty about self harm) and the lies just continued from there. I know I suffer from low self esteem and for 2 years I had severe anxiety and panic attacks.
However, since meeting my boyfriend the anxiety has cleared up, he's wonderful and he deserves better from me. He sometimes says 'I like the you when we're just together normally and nobody else is stressing you out'. Well - there is nobody stressing me out really. Just all my created lies. And I want them gone.
 
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jamesdean

Guest
my feeling are that your bf would proberly be ok if you told him the truth however I dont think you need to do that from my experience in life that friendships come to an end naturally perhaps some of these friendships could mone on a little faster for you like you say he loves it when it just you two, have you not thought about moving away together and making a new start.

I dont think that these ly's will haunt you if you can learn to move on n let them all die natural deaths.


Good luck, you have told us the truth, so thats a good starting point
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi Isobel

In answer to your question, alot of people lie and do it for a variety of reasons. Alot of children do it because of a perceived fear of the consequences of telling the truth. If the fear is prolonged, it can develop into adulthood as compulsive or habitual lieing, where you may feel unable to stop because it becomes a reflex action. In this case some people can get to the point that even when confronted with the truth they still deny their lies as lies. Some people lie because they feel they will not get what they want if they tell the truth, or may be copying someone else they have seen who lies and seems to get what they want to get the same result. Some people lie because they have low self esteem, or do not want to face or accept another truth in themselves or their memories.

Increased lieing like this can also be seen as symptoms of adhd, bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder or a personality disorder but only a GP/Psychiatrist can truely diagnose this.

The fact is you have come to a mental health forum, so might have some idea that this may be a mental health issue.

My suggestion is that you see a GP about this to get some clarification or opinion if there is an underlying MH problem. A GP may refer you to a specialist psychotherapist or alternative treatment to help you. If you feel you can not do this at the very least please see a counsellor, many areas offer a free counselling service for young adults, but you may need to do a bit of research to find them at your local library, GP practice or on the internet. Try to find a reputable one.

With regards to telling your boyfriend, my opinion is that honesty is always the best policy (please excuse the pun). However it may be wise to speak to a counsellor/psychotherapist first to know how best to approach this. In telling him you may find that you then have another temptation/compulsion to lie to him, to explain the causes, or reasons for doing it, or for other reasons, which will only compound your problem.
A counsellor/psychotherapist may offer to mediate a session with you and him together to allow you to speak to him in a supported environment, and help you with any compulsion you might have to lie to him further whilst doing so. A counsellor/psychotherapist may help you to realise and come to terms with why you do it, and help you explain those reasons to him and of course primarily to help yourself. They may offer practical advice to help you overcome your compulsion. If you do not lie to your parents it may be more appropriate to tell them first, and see what advice they offer, and test the reaction you get, but I would get some form of advice on this first.

If you are seeing a counsellor/GP your boyfriend/friends/family will hopefully see that you recognise this as a problem, which has had damaging consequences, primarily for you and potentially to others, and may be more understanding.

With regards to telling your friends, I would feel no pressure to tell them yet, until you have tested the water with someone close to you and you fully understand your problem. You may find that if and when you do tell them that they may actually already know that you have been lieing, but didn't know how to approach the subject with you.
If you tell them with little knowledge as to why you do it, they could interpret your behavior as attention seeking (not that I see anything intrinsically wrong with that because in my opinion anyone who does so fundamentally needs it for whatever reason) or they may come to another conclusion which may not necessarily be true. If you approach them with an insight to your problem and why you do it they may have a better response and understanding.

I think you are very brave in raising this subject, and for recognising that for you it has now got a bit out of hand. Also for recognising that this is a problem that could potentially harm your relationships, and that you now seem unable to distinguish your true memories from falsified ones.

My advice is to first see your GP, check if there are any other underlying MH causes, and see what they advise. A GP is a good point of referral to other treatments such as counselling/psychotherapy/psychiatry if appropriate. Then take things from there.

I hope that helps!

:hug:
 
Y

yodamon_dhs

New member
Joined
Jul 8, 2009
Messages
2
I, too, am a liar who lies in similar ways as you do. I told my girlfriend I was beaten as a child and made up a entire new life for myself and the further I got into the lies the more and more I didn't know what was true and what was false anymore and would even have to concentrate on what did and didn't happen in my life. Just like you I had a sort of emotional connection to my lies which (for me) is hard to explain.

I eventuially told my girlfriend because she was the one person I trusted with my deepest, darkest secret... when I told her, she freaked out. she had a hard time talking to me the first few days and after that she explained that she felt like she could never trust me again. we kept dating for a little while but slowly drifted apart and eventuially broke up. we are still friends but I have become afraid to tell anyone else, especially with how strong my trust for her was...

I haven't seen a GP yet, although I plan to sometime in the future for this and other problems.
 
Lion Heart

Lion Heart

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 24, 2009
Messages
739
Location
kent
if the other person loves you anuff they will still stay with you no matter what
 
ellamental

ellamental

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 31, 2008
Messages
70
Location
midlands
Lying does hurt those it is done to

I hope you are right. I have bipolar II and feel things very deeply. My partner has BPD. We have been together for two years. I always know when he is lying and it always hurts me. I really hope that because I do love him very much I can continue to turn a blind eye to the lies but if they are big enough and complicated enough as they have been at times I may not forever. I do think those who lie do not quite understand how it feels to be on the end of them. It is devastating on so many levels. Even the small ones. The thing is you think...well if he is lying about that he is lying about this and everything, how he feels about me, what his hopes her. that he didnt sleep with that woman, that he hasnt set aside two hours a week to be with his ex becasue he doesnt want to hurt her etc etc etc..I am having coffee with granny when running off to the pier to meet Evonne...etc etc ...hald may not even be lies but once you KNOW about some of them the imagination and paranoia of the person being lied to can continue. Not just that..but he thinks he is good at it...he is not...when you are really close to some one YOU KNOW when they are lying but for some reason you let them off the hook...and later feel bad about it. This is hard to hear but it is very hard to be on the recieving end of as well. If you can make positive steps to change the behaviour through CBT or goals then there may be hope for relationships. That said....the first step has to be admitting it and you have done this.:)
 
ellamental

ellamental

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 31, 2008
Messages
70
Location
midlands
making up information and then taking information

BUT...this doesnt mean that I am perfect....OMG NO NO NO so far from this...on here we all have our stuff..the things and behaviours that will hurt our partners and relatives. My paranoia and fear of being lied to has lead me to do the most despicable thing I am not proud of at all. This is very hard to say but I too want to change my behaviour. Because he lied about a few things and I knew this I did then take the information that was not mine...I spied on his private converstaions using a listening device and then hacked into both his email and facebook account. I am very lucky he is still talking to me. Only just it has to be said. I have made a big mess of things.:(
 
dib4uk

dib4uk

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Joined
Jul 23, 2009
Messages
2,182
Location
south london,england
Well it depends on what sort of lies have you told? How long have you been telling them? How deep have they affected your life?

If its lying to cover up mental illness- then thats ok- I mean if someone presses you for a diagnoses and you say depression when its schzophrenia- thats justified.

However, if its a lie to cover up other aspects like spending when you dont have the money, or using other peoples credit cards or stuff like that then that needs to stop.

Everyone lies- but it all depends on the severity of the lie. If the lie is to cover up someone elses feelings then sometimes its justified.

If a lie is to cover up how you feel then thats totally different.

I've lied for years about how I truly feel- and hoping that it will go away-and that when I was working- a change of career is what I needed- but sometimes the biggest lie is a lie to yourself.

I used to pretend to my friends about how I feel, but now, I dont really bother- and because of that- I lost a good friend, and I alway question in my head the remaining friends I do have.
 
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