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I'm a horrible person

MagicJay

MagicJay

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When I was younger I used to take enjoyment in playing games with peoples heads, controlling them like they were my puppets, I loved causing them emotional pain, I was so horrible I think because I had no control of myself but I did this it was like I was playing chess always one step of head, my life and the people around me were a total mess, I hurt a lot of people and they still hate me now.

Then I became really ill where I locked my self in my room for 9 months karma I guess, that's when I realise how seriously ill I was what kind of person takes pleasures in others pain was it because I was hurting or was I just evil it self, I can't stop thinking about it all lately but I worrying my self because deep down I think I miss it all and I know that isn't right how can I miss something like this.

Needed to just let this out, I really think I don't belong in this world.
 
S

secretsurvivor1

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It sounds like you were messed up and maybe craving attention? In your message, you show regret and compassion, so you can't be TOTALLY HORRIBLE. Everyone uses some amount of manipulation to get what they want. Even a new born baby will cry in a whining tone with no tears as a method of communicating a need. That is not the same as really crying with tears and anguish due to suffering. It is a tool of
manipulation to persuade parents to wake up and find out what the baby needs.
Maybe try going easier on yourself?
You say you miss doing this destructive behaviour; maybe look closer at what it is you miss; attention, concern, feeling in control or powerful? Maybe you can find an alternative action which provides this without hurting others? Maybe play chess itself?! Maybe you need a challenge to stretch your mind?
 
MagicJay

MagicJay

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I was very messed up, maybe still am maybe its a part of me don't get me wrong the people who were in my life weren't any better than me a few didn't deserve it, I don't know if you would class it has craving attention because I have never liked to in the spot light always preferred to be in the background, after thinking it about it a lot I think it was because I was in such great emotional pain I wanted others to feel what it was like, and the control.

Your right I liked to believe I regret a lot of it but then that little part of me deep down feels like he's smiling inside like there is two of me him hidden deep away now slowly trying worm his way back out, I hate him when I think about him but at times I see little glimpse which really scares me, I think the part of me that misses the past is the fact I have no control of my emotions the things that happen in my mind, I could control them people unlike myself, how I have been for the last few years fighting this war inside me as made me feel powerless.

I used to play chess, I like puzzles and problems finding the solutions but then when I became ill I withdrew stopped doing everything, you are right I need to do something maybe trying playing chess again or something else if I can't focus.
 
Mayfair

Mayfair

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Needed to just let this out, I really think I don't belong in this world.

I think you should ease up on yourself MJ.

The fact that you acknowledge what you did means you understand it far more now than you did then. (progression to the stage where you consciously know it, so have more control)

-

I read your post and it reminded me of documentaries I've watched about comedians.

I think there are many parallels to this kind of thing.

Intelligence, but not knowing how to control it. Many comedians talk like this (though I don't mean they say it out loud or directly). In other words, rather than saying things to hurt people and show this power, they turn it into humour. I reckon that's why a lot of comedians are quite reserved in private. They channel this controlling like puppets thing from a negative way to a positive way - by making people laugh.

Whether they end up happier is another story, but all [good] comedians have to have control and in effect have a lot of power too, to manipulate and influence the audience.

Well, it's just my immediate thoughts MJ :)
 
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Mayfair

Mayfair

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Cross posted...

In your message, you show regret and compassion, so you can't be TOTALLY HORRIBLE. Everyone uses some amount of manipulation to get what they want. Even a new born baby will cry in a whining tone with no tears as a method of communicating a need. That is not the same as really crying with tears and anguish due to suffering. It is a tool of
manipulation to persuade parents to wake up and find out what the baby needs.
Maybe try going easier on yourself?
Yes, I was thinking the same, but got side-tracked.

I used to play chess, I like puzzles and problems finding the solutions but then when I became ill I withdrew stopped doing everything, you are right I need to do something maybe trying playing chess again or something else if I can't focus.
I don't like Chess. It's more a memory test, and I'd lose to people with more practice, however, it's perhaps the most popular board game in the world, so maybe I'm missing out!

Have you ever tried Logic Problems?* They are my favourite. Difficult ones really take a lot of concentration and take your mind off anything! (though the down side is you need to be in the mood for it)







*I don't mean as a cure btw! I mean just in general, it sounds like something that you might like
 
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MagicJay

MagicJay

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Joined
Aug 23, 2011
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298
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Konoha
Have you ever tried Logic Problems?* They are my favourite. Difficult ones really take a lot of concentration and take your mind off anything! (though the down side is you need to be in the mood for it)
I used to like Logic Problems too not done them in ages though.
 
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