• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

I'm a girl

S

sadgurl81

New member
Joined
Feb 7, 2015
Messages
3
As long as I can remember I've been a girl. But I have always had to tell the world otherwise. I grew up in the middle of a hardcore Southern Baptist family and I was nearly beaten for dressing up and declaring I was a girl. But it is who I am, sad and pathetic as I am.

My grandparents on my dad's side were sort of atheists though and they were both alright with me being a girl. My grandma even let me dress up how I wanted. However, and there's always a fucking however in my life, my grandpa eventually molested me. Things were great for a while, I dressed up like a girl around them, but then I found my grandpa's porno mags and he started showing me how to masturbate. The screwed up thing is I liked it. I would dress up and jack off with my grandpa talking about being a girl and watching porn.

It's fucked up because it's forever fused to my sexuality. I used to masturbate about being my grandpa's girlfriend. About becoming a porn star, which I did a little bit with my exboyfriend. All amateur but its still you know it's like out there.

He died when i was still young. I don't hate him. He was confused too. I sorta get that now, being older myself. Fantasizing about myself as a woman. Fantasizing about how good I am at oral sex and how I used to blow married guys. Ugh, I'm fucked in the head.

Im sorry if I'm rambling but my life is one bizarre fucking piece of suicidal shit. Just a cum covered orgy of depression that has FINALLY caught up with me. My aunt told me I shouldn't have been such a slut. I told her my grandpa shouldn't have trained me to suck cock, swallow cum and pretend to be a straight male in a world that would swallow me up. Fucking ****.

So I'm MARRIED. I faked it til I made it. I mean, I love women. I love my wife. Shit, I idolized myself as a transgendered girl. Ain't that the pathetic truth of America? Self obsession?

I love being a girl.

I have probably masturbated to myself more than any other living thing on this planet. And I want to die. I just want to fucking kill myself. But I can't do it. And after being a normal straight male for the past 6 years of my life, Im starting to break down.

I feel so powerless and worthless. Like all of this sex addiction and my gender problems. I really really thought I could just stop being that slut and be responsible, be a man. I mean, I hid all of my girly girl stuff from everyone in my Southern Baptist life. I had a girlfriend that accepted it. A boyfriend that, well, he just liked to cum in this bitch. lol. And make porn. Like what's the nastiest shit I'll do on film. And I just did it. He was in control. Inviting whomever he wanted over to fuck me. Film it. And then fuck me while we watched it.

So I'm depressed. Pretty simple story huh? Dumb slut wants to be straight man, fails. News at 11. Im just so screwed up. I don't want to talk to a therapist about it. I don't know what to do. I don't have a voice. I don't have anyone to listen to who could possibly understand. Ugh.

I just can't hide it inside anymore. I just don't want to die feeling so worthless. Like did I even have a chance at this life? Bottled up and hid in a corner til it dies from shame.
 
D

Deliah

Guest
Hello, You've had a horrible time haven't you. You say that you don't want to talk to a therapist but it sounds like you really need to. You've done nothing wrong. What your grand pa did isn't ok. It has effected you and you need some help with it love D xxx
 
S

sadgurl81

New member
Joined
Feb 7, 2015
Messages
3
You're probably right. I just need to get my thoughts collected. I know my grandpa was bad. Every man who has had any sort of sexual encounter with me has been bad. Nature of my existence thus far. Girls in my life have been mostly bad too. Lol.

I'm sorry if I was porno graphic in any descriptions. I'm pretty distraught and just writing my thoughts freely without any filters on.

I guess I'm just having a difficult time coming to terms with my life. Like the whole thing. I don't know how to talk about this in person or even over a phone. I have tried. Dear god I have tried. I just don't know how. I have been in therapy, group sessions, psychiatrists (yay antidepressants), omg I am like completely mentally blocked on this.

My doctors know about my grandfather but they don't know of my female identity. I was raised with secrets and so I'm just REALLY good at keeping them, even from my doctors.

I tell them about my issues with exgirlfriends, but I don't talk about boyfriends, or doing porn. I mean, I can keep the docs going on my heterosexual life alone, believe me, but I haven't even touched on my bisexual, or female dual life.

So like, I have some serious issues my exboyfriend caused me. He abused me mentally and physically. I swear, he raped me and his other girlfriend on camera, erased it, and then beat us while we were tied up. I don't even know how to approach this. I am just an abuse junky. I always believed that I wanted his abuse, that I needed it and part of me liked it. But just like my grandpa, i didnt realize how bad it was until i was affected by it. I didn't realize it until I tried breaking up with him and he tormented me for years.

He told all of the girls I dated I was a faggot. I mean, I guess that's true and I even told my wife about my bisexuality, but you know I uh, currently i am a man right now and I act like it doesn't hurt...

But I like... you know put on my real clothes, a dress or something, put on make up, like really do my hair. And I just cry. For the past month I haven't even been able to think about sex. I can't even get myself out of bed. I just lay down and cry from morning until evening.

It's like for the first time since I was really young I have been able to feel vulnerable and sort of pure. I have just been trying to feel happy and forget the world but lately I can't. I hit a brick wall. I have left all of my responsibility and just lay alone in my girl clothes, obsessed and crying. Doing nothing. Talking to no one. Wanting to die. Just taking baths. Shaving. Watching transgender girls on youtube, seeing how happy they are, why couldn't I have that in this new day of sexual revolution. I am just bitter at my choices I guess. I chose an abusive man who HAH turned me straight

But now there's this sad girl just laying here typing, ready to throw it all away again and do dumb shit just to forget it all. :(
 
Top