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I'm a ghost

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Daniel4705

Member
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
15
Location
USA
I found this place a short time back, and I've been a lurker on occasion but I'm not engaged. I suppose I'm looking for someplace to engage. Anyway, I've been reluctant to comment, because I don't feel well enough, or smart enough to give advice or even to hear it. I've been GAD for years, and have managed for years and I suppose I thought that made me belong here. But that's not why I'm here.

My wife and son were in an accident recently. My wife was killed instantly. My son is lingering. And I'm out of my mind.

I've looked around and I haven't found a place where anyone might hear me. There is a lot going on, between her family and mine, and none of it is helpful. At first it was logistics and I don't even remember all of that. And now, it feels like maintenance, and none of it seems real to me. Nothing seems real to me.

I don't know what I'm asking for, or why I'm writing this. I don't want anything from anyone. I just want to feel like I'm still here and I don't even know what that means.
 
jajingna

jajingna

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Jul 31, 2020
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5,154
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Sorry to hear that. Hope you can find some support.
 
TooMuchPain

TooMuchPain

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\_(ツ)_/
I heard you. I'm sorry for your loss and how life is going for you now. There are people to talk to here. I hope you find comfort talking with us. Please don't be afraid to make more posts like this. Let us know what is happening with you. :grouphug:
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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Mar 1, 2021
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I'm sorry for your loss and for what you are going through. 💗
 
U

Usedup

Active member
Joined
Apr 23, 2021
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US
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. Prayers for you and your son!
 
M

Melon Collie

New member
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Jun 13, 2021
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07032
I'm so sorry for your loss my heart aches for you. Please know you are not alone in this. We are all here to listen and support you.and prayers for you and your son.
 
Ladyfair

Ladyfair

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I'm sorry also I hope your son will be ok. Your in my thoughts.
 
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Daniel4705

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Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
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Location
USA
I wanted to thank everyone for the kind thoughts. I’ve read through each reply and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your taking the time to respond. My post was strange, I’m sure, because my thoughts are complicated and these are uncharted waters. I wasn’t expecting to be read. So the kind words despite all of that were very thoughtful.

When I found this community, I thought I might try to be helpful because I thought that might make me feel something. I’ve learned so much about controlling anxiety over the years and I truly want no one to have to suffer from it. I just – my mind isn’t there yet. I can’t think very well yet.

Instead – and maybe it’s selfish of me – I feel somewhat driven to dump my thoughts someplace, and maybe here is a good place to do that. I don’t want to write to friends or family, because it’s too tense. So I’m going to ramble out what is in my head here. You don’t need to keep reading past this point; especially if you’re already feeling down. I think just writing it out might be useful to me.

Today marked another day since the worst day. They say every day makes you stronger, and maybe that’s true. I just don’t feel it yet.

I won’t say much about the accident because it was pretty big news, and I don’t want to put myself on display. Suffice it to say, my wife and son were on their way back from driving his friend home. They were stopped – they weren’t even moving. There were two others lost that day too. I met the father of one of them; he’s a good man.

I said my son was lingering and I regret saying that, though I suppose somewhere in my mind that’s how it feels to me. But the term was more pointed at what we don’t yet know. They did everything right, and he’s alive because of it. They had to open his skull that day and went on to induced a coma from which he has awoken. He knows a lot, he’s still Zach – but he’s confused about some basic things and that can be unbearable, especially for his younger brother. I think the worst moment of my life was the when I knew I had to tell him his mother was gone. When I did, he didn’t really understand. He’s got a long road ahead of him.

It’s just me and PJ (my younger son) now and we’re alone in a house that went from chaos to silence in a single moment. Nothing is the same as it was – everything is different. PJ is in therapy, I’m in therapy, the therapists share notes and we meet collectively and we’re doing the best we can. One of the things that they impressed on me was the need to “reestablish normal” for PJ and I don’t know how to do that but I’m trying. I’m on sabbatical and I spend the days at the hospital and the evenings at home with PJ and he and I are just trying to figure things out.

I look in on him much more than he knows – I constantly check on him when I can’t sleep. His room is separated from Zach’s by a shared bathroom, and when he’s not in his bed, I find him in Zach’s. Zach is PJ’s hero, he adores him and I can only imagine what he’s working through, above what he’ll tell me. He doesn’t cry anymore; he’s just gotten quiet. I don’t know which is worse.

Suzanne was the perfect mother and the boys loved her more than anything. But there are no questions left with Suzanne, where there are so many lingering for Zach. I’m not sure how that weighs. They tell me PJ is processing well, but who the hell knows what that means. I just wish I could skip ahead two years and find out for sure - or better, skip back. But I guess it doesn’t work that way.

My brother, who is also my accountant, has made herculean efforts to manage the business end of losing her. There is so much crap – it never ends. Suzanne worked for the state and the calls I get are sometimes maddening and I mean aside from the ones who assume she’s still alive, forcing me to tell them that she’s not. That always leaves that awkward moment when they tell me they’re sorry, and I try to make them feel better. I’m on the phone today with a wealth planner talking about a simple IRA she had from someplace and how we need to set up some account so it can be funded and then moved into my 401 and I just don’t fucking care. I try to be polite, but the guy pushed me today until I told him to “keep it” and hung up. My brother tells me to just refer them all to him, and I know I should.

The politics of death are a strange thing. I have three sisters-in-law who all loved me. Now that Suzanne is gone, it just felt different. They meddled in every detail and just pointed to the line on the check for me to sign. And I let them have their way on a lot of things because it didn’t matter. They all live on the other coast, and so while they were here, I let them come in and take anything they wanted, and only asked them to leave the pictures because I wanted time to sort through them. They took them anyway.

I don’t sleep much anymore, but any time I do, I wake up knowing she’s there. For just a moment, I know she’s there. And the thing with Suzanne is that you always knew she was there. She was never the one to slip into the background – she was always electric and so I attribute so much of that sense to the energy that has nowhere else to go now. She would sing and she would dance around like a nut. I was the polar opposite. She would walk into the room and see the boys and me watching TV and announce, “Let’s make a memory”, and before we knew it we were all in some field somewhere picking apples or baking cookies for the firemen. She was unstoppable and exhausting. I don’t know what she ever saw in me.

I met her at a classy bar in a college town when I tapped her on the shoulder to ask her to pardon me as I reached for a napkin. When she turned around, my brain went into critical lock-down. Some guttural sounds and basic locomotion were all I had left, for how struck I was by her. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. The world may argue that, where in fact, she was closer to average than a Botticelli painting, but I’ll leave that to the world. To me, she was perfect.

From that moment, I would never spend another out of love. And in my darkest thoughts, I would pray to God that I’d go first because I didn’t know how to lose her. Our time together wouldn’t always be perfect, and over the years of mortgages, fabric swatches and school plays that fire settled into something of a routine. But under it all, I was never out of love. She was the one I was supposed to love, and I was keenly aware how lucky I was because not all of us find that.

Nobody has the right to take that away and yet they did. And now, among the calls I get from banks and brokers, I also get them from lawyers wanting my help and assuming my enthusiasm in making the bad guys pay. I’m not enthusiastic. Their negligence was gross, criminal even, but if I took it personally, I would be dead in a week.

I think one of the hardest things I’ve done is to forgive them when so much of me wanted to be angry – even kill them with my own hands. But after a while, I realized that I wouldn’t be able to convince myself that they woke that morning with the idea of killing Suzanne and hurting our son. That would require hatred, when none of us had ever met.

There are a lot of people around me who want blood against the bad actors who created the worst moment of my life and some are arguably frustrated with me for not sharing the lust for vengeance. The case coordinator, who I’ve come to know well, showed me video of the arrest and interview and I watched the moment when they were told that some involved didn’t survive. It’s enough.

The life I knew has stopped, and now started again in an entirely new direction. I have two sons who will forever be my only priority. I have no other job but to ensure that PJ moves through these years with love and support and the ability to be real with everything he feels. He wants to be a marine biologist, and even if that’s just for now (he’s wanted to be a lot of things), my job is to ensure him that it’s possible. He needs to keep walking forward.

Zach’s story is different, but only in the moment and only because there is so much yet to learn. Zach is a hell of a writer, and even though he wasn’t sure that’s what he wanted to do, I want him to have the option to do it. And so whatever it takes. That’s my life now.

I don’t know if it’s interesting, but I’ve spent so much time managing my anxiety – I’ve had it since birth. Since this all happened, it’s gone. I don’t know why or for how long, but it feels like forever; anxiety is the last emotion I have now. Isn’t that strange?

PJ is up and hunting snacks. I’m going to go help him find one.

I don’t expect anyone actually read this, but if anyone did, thank you for hearing me.

--Danny
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
2,217
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I can only speculate that having so much to process and deal with together with all those emotions which might not make a lot of sense together with your World turned upside down and a tonne of extra responsibility placed on your shoulders could leave you feeling numb and the stress etc. so over-whelming that you might not even be able to do the simplest of things that you once took for granted? It's good you are getting help with this, hopefully it's making a difference? It's clear you are deeply in love with Suzanne and devoted to her and your family. Please share with us more about her as a character etc. :hug:
 
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Daniel4705

Member
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
15
Location
USA
OCDguy - Thank you for hearing me. Yes, I am still in love with Suzanne, and when you asked me to share more about her character, I thought to myself, "I'd never stop writing". Maybe that's a good idea. I should journal my memories of her. Thank you for that.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Jun 13, 2016
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I find it a good and positive thing to share the love and memories we hold of our loved ones. They were/are special in our lives and very much a part of us. It's good to share :)
 
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Daniel4705

Member
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
15
Location
USA
I heard you. I'm sorry for your loss and how life is going for you now. There are people to talk to here. I hope you find comfort talking with us. Please don't be afraid to make more posts like this. Let us know what is happening with you. :grouphug:
I'm late in my reply, but thank you.
 
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