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I'm a coward

R

requiemforameme

Member
Joined
Jan 5, 2022
Messages
12
Location
United States
I'm 25, live at home, no job, no friends, no direction at all in life. The last two years have been a complete waste, I keep listening to my mom who tells me to take one day at a time, but I've been doing that and changing nothing for myself.
When I was 18, I was terrified of ending up as the massive loser I am and vowed I would change. In some ways, I did: I started running, went vegan, lost 40 pounds, enrolled in a college, started reading more, drawing, writing, etc.
At 21, I did the same thing.
And again, and again, and again.
I've since relapsed on almost everything, I'm overweight, balding, made no real progress in my social skills, fitness, or career. It feels like I have nothing going for me.
I know 25 is young to many people, but in a lot of ways it isn't that young. And especially after the lack of *any* forward momentum these past two years, it feels even older. It feels like time is speeding up and I'm still stuck in teenage brain. Like every year after this point I will be expected to act like a functioning adult.
My grandmother is also dying, I've been caring for her since I've been out of work. She was told yesterday that her chemotherapy treatment was not having the effect the doctor wanted to see. So, she's just going to die. Nobody knows when, but she's being released back home from the hospital tomorrow on hospice care. Since I've been labelled as her unofficial caretaker (without me having a say in that), my life is kind of on hold. All I want is to move to a new state, get a job, work my ass off and make art. Try to actually struggle and grow and become my own person if I can still manage to meet those milestones and grow a fucking backbone. But I can't right now with a dying grandmother, on top of the fact that no job I have applied to over the past four months has responded back to me. I feel stuck, trapped, in this endless cycle that I made for myself by trying to avoid hard work. I feel worthless.
 
O

Orangeade

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 23, 2021
Messages
1,686
Location
England
I'm 25, live at home, no job, no friends, no direction at all in life. The last two years have been a complete waste, I keep listening to my mom who tells me to take one day at a time, but I've been doing that and changing nothing for myself.
When I was 18, I was terrified of ending up as the massive loser I am and vowed I would change. In some ways, I did: I started running, went vegan, lost 40 pounds, enrolled in a college, started reading more, drawing, writing, etc.
At 21, I did the same thing.
And again, and again, and again.
I've since relapsed on almost everything, I'm overweight, balding, made no real progress in my social skills, fitness, or career. It feels like I have nothing going for me.
I know 25 is young to many people, but in a lot of ways it isn't that young. And especially after the lack of *any* forward momentum these past two years, it feels even older. It feels like time is speeding up and I'm still stuck in teenage brain. Like every year after this point I will be expected to act like a functioning adult.
My grandmother is also dying, I've been caring for her since I've been out of work. She was told yesterday that her chemotherapy treatment was not having the effect the doctor wanted to see. So, she's just going to die. Nobody knows when, but she's being released back home from the hospital tomorrow on hospice care. Since I've been labelled as her unofficial caretaker (without me having a say in that), my life is kind of on hold. All I want is to move to a new state, get a job, work my ass off and make art. Try to actually struggle and grow and become my own person if I can still manage to meet those milestones and grow a fucking backbone. But I can't right now with a dying grandmother, on top of the fact that no job I have applied to over the past four months has responded back to me. I feel stuck, trapped, in this endless cycle that I made for myself by trying to avoid hard work. I feel worthless.
Thank you for sharing! Im 22 and often feel like you do because my bpd makes it debilitating for me to do anything! Im sorry to hear about your grandmother and you’re incredibly strong for looking after her. If you ever need anyone to talk to im here! If you ever do create any art, i would love to see it. Sending you love x
 
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