Im a complete waste of space.

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WhatHappened1

New member
Joined
Apr 6, 2015
Messages
1
#1
Hello..
Here is the simple version;

Dropped out of school with no qualifications at age of 16. (im 22 now)
Have Agoraphobia, Severe Depression and Attention Deficit Disorder.
Been housebound for about 5 years, only going outside only for family emergency's.
Last time I spoke face to face with friends was August 2013.
Overweight, can't cook, so only eat easy-to-make foods.(which is 95% bad for you)
Been given Sertraline 150mg Anti depressants and Propranolol to slow my heartbeats.
Stopped taking them due to keeping forgetting.
I have no routine, day is night and night is day.
Don't smoke, take drugs or drink.
Have trouble sleeping.

It wasn't until my mum passed away in 2012 that I realized how much of life I was missing and how much of a disappointment I must have been.
I have been pretty much living life dreading the next phone call for when I need to leave the house. I take panic attacks for nearly everything.

I get panic attacks thinking about the past and the future. I get panic attacks thinking about my family's health and the day I will have to leave the house to help them. I get panic attacks after arguing with anyone, family, stranger or friend. I get panic attacks thinking about what to get family members for Christmas and birthdays. Hell, even though I'm never outside I still get panic attacks on Sundays, knowing its going to be Monday the next day.

I feel like a complete waste of space.
I can't even blame me being like this from my mother passing or from some physical disability. I'm one of the few in my family who is actually healthy.(no illness or disability) I got fat from me just being straight up lazy before I stopped going outside.
It kills me inside knowing I can't be the person they rely on. I'm always the last resort for everyone for everything because of the way I am.
I am just terrified of everything, I don't have the courage to do something like self harm and I wouldn't put my family through something like suicide.(Although it's always in my mind.) My mother passing was hard enough on us. I can't even bring myself to do something like cry or speak to someone, I just have this fucking egotistical mentality that its feminine even though I pretty much lost every other shred of dignity a long time ago. I spend 60% of the day staring at the ceiling, dreaming about what I wish did differently years ago before this mess.

The only reason im even posting this is because im anonymous.

To the friends I speak to online, im a completely different person.

Im sorry for the story, I just had to say something.

I fucking hate myself and my life.
 
Per Ardua Ad Astra

Per Ardua Ad Astra

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 15, 2014
Messages
9,052
Location
North of England, UK
#2
Hi. Welcome to the forum.

You're not a waste of space. You are pissed off and fed up cos of the shit you've gone through, and the problems you have outlined, and this is very human and very understandable.

Concerning the panic, and extreme fear about going outside. There are therapeutic treatments and interventions that can address this. You are on medication, so you have spoken with medical professionals before. Why not see if they can arrange a programme of gradual exposure, taking small steps, and building up gradually, to get to a point where maybe you can deal with and overcome the panic you experience on going outside?

One of my parent's neighbours had agoraphobia, before we knew her. She could not even open the curtains to look outside, never mind step out. With the help of a trusted friend, she very gradually overcame her fear. Initially, curtains were opened slightly, then shut quickly. Then a door opened a little, then shut. Then opened, and left open for a while longer, before being shut. In time, she went out, and was so afraid, she clung to walls, and held onto lamp posts to make her way around.

When we knew her, she drove a car, ran a market stall, took her dogs for a walk, and was happily married. She said she never believed she would ever do these things, but she did. Her life was transformed, and she was a different person to the person she used to be when she had agoraphobia.

You are 22 now. That's still pretty young, you know. There is easily plenty of time before you, to work on these problems, and get a better quality of life. Please speak to someone about this, and see what structured help and support you can access.

I wish you well. take care :)
 
S

SK0000

New member
Joined
Sep 6, 2015
Messages
1
#3
Can relate

My experience is very similar. Became housebound at 16 and have been for nearly 5 years. Left school with bad grades. Have Agoraphobia, acute depression, panic disorder.

I was prescribed a course of antidepressants by a psychiatrist that didn't even seem to help (supposed to feel effects after two weeks). I also forgot some days and just stopped taking them. Had about 6 day's worth and just started taking again. Had to terminate therapy with a therapist because it became to overwhelming and felt very forced.

I have become overweight due to my sedentary lifestyle.

Sleep pattern constantly shifts. Some times I'm sleeping throughout the day and awake all night. Right now it's starting to get to that stage. I also can't stay asleep. Wake up and then I'm constantly thinking about different things.

I don't self-harm and suicide feels weak because people I know have been through a ridiculous amount of problems.

I don't drink or smoke. If those options were available, I probably would.

I tend to isolate myself and don't have anybody to talk to..

Also feel worthless and like an utter waste of space.
 
N

Namarie

New member
Joined
Nov 21, 2015
Messages
3
Location
Volcano, Hawaii
#4
Hi. "Utter waste of space....". Why do I feel this way too? Logically, I know we are all unique, beautiful and precious. Ect. But for me to feel that way about myself, to look at myself like, yeah, I'm a cool person, feels like too much of a lie right now... In truth, I don't like myself, so loving myself somehow seems foolish... A waste of time. But.. I'm discovering that this way of thinking can be changed. How? I gotta learn to love the awkward, weak, shy, idiot that I am. Teal Swan, one of my favorite spiritual leaders of today, has inspired me to honestly face my dislike of myself. Hopefully I'll find compassion for myself... Understanding of and for myself.. Then maybe I'll learn to be kinder to the person I see myself as.. Then maybe one day, I will truly be able to lovingly see and appreciate myself.. Teal Swan, on YouTube. She helps me feel like I don't suck.
 
S

Stormy

Active member
Joined
Mar 18, 2016
Messages
27
Location
UK
#5
Just read this thread and its heartbreaking ,only realised the dates too (thought it was todays posts)
 
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Lolacola

Member
Joined
Apr 16, 2016
Messages
6
#6
Hey your far from a waste of space ! This is the vicious circle of mental health,it's an illness which has taken me many years to accept.
You see it starts with the "ICANT BE ARSED TO DO THAT TODAY" then I can't be arsed to get up out of bed is next,then turning down all invitations because you can't be bothered your tired so forth ! Then because you have no life you over think everything "my heart is beating funny " my breathing isn't right" what if one of my family die " and the thoughts turn into your biggest nightmare !!! You stop caring how you look ,you beat yourself up because your fat but also know that you will eat and eat until it hurts . then you self loathe again ! Then kicks in the panic ,I over eat I'll have a heart attack !I can't breathe ,panic again because in some way you convinced yourself you will die . Then the going out shit if I go out I'll panicle everyone will look I'll die in the street ! Then everyone is looking at me because I'm so fat ! I've got nowhere to go anyway so no point going out ( my favourite one) ! So in reality when you think long and hard it's very hard to live this life but even bloody harder to break that shitty circle that negativity that rolls round and round in your head it never stops !!! Just know this ! You are not alone there are millions of people who feel exactly like you and me everyday we just need to find a way of beating this horrible illness xxxxx
 
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Silver333

Active member
Joined
May 30, 2016
Messages
40
#7
Hey, I am also 22. Not in your situation but suffer from agoraphobia on a daily basis. You did something. You reached out. Even if it's online on this forum it means that you WANT to get better. What you've been going through and what you feel are not selfish. It's life and sometimes we get the shit end of the stick. Please take time to work on healing yourself. If It wouldn't be too much, I'm sure there are hotlines you could discuss these problems with. Best of luck. You are not alone.