I'm 29 and have no desire to live past 30

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ronki23

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#1
I have Asperger's so my thoughts may be a bit muddled but here goes:

I've been doing martial arts 2005-2017 and I really enjoyed kickboxing at Undergraduate University (2009-2012); I gave up drinking alcohol to be a better kickboxer. I then joined the rival club because they were really nice people (I still kept kickboxing at University). Not drinking alcohol and commuting to University for Undergraduate (as I was not ready to live on my own) made me feel left out as I never went to parties with University friends. That changed in 2011/12 when I finally passed my driving test and got to go to parties and stay out late. I used to say and do stupid things when drunk and didn't like the feeling afterwards so I quit alcohol in 2010.
I lost many times in kickboxing and judo and vowed to rematch certain people when I was ready but I got kicked out of my kickboxing club 2011 (a club I really enjoyed) for arguing with another club so did judo and wrestling 2011-12. I stopped wrestling 2012 as one of the guys I lost to in kickboxing joined the wrestling.

Then things started spiralling downwards in 2012/13; I went to a different University for my Master's (Grad school where I found a place to stay) people from the University martial arts club mocked me for different reasons: in Ju Jitsu they said karate sucks because I also tried karate and in karate they mocked me for not drinking alcohol.What's worse in Ju Jitsu they were holding the submission past tapping point- they were University clubs so they were full of 20-somethings. I then joined an MMA club run by adults and I was happy until I found people from University were interested so I quit.
I still enjoyed going to parties but whenever I went to a party as postgrad people I knew would never turn up and it was inconvenient going at 11PM at night; there was also an entry fee to the nightclubs.
My Master's degree was 50% Mainland Chinese students as well as 10% Thai, 10% Arab, 10% Nigerian and 10% Indian. A 'nice' mixture of people. I was lucky to have been to China in 2011 so I had something to talk about but then in the final month of Master's my so-called friends cut me out (we had no lectures left) and did things with one another and not me. Their excuse was they were ''busy doing assignments'' in 2013 but they were travelling and having fun with each other. On the bright side I found a wrestling club in the last 4 weeks to train at.

My friends from Undergraduate are too busy and working in London (Europeans) and my Muslim 'friends' hate Israel and think 9/11 was an inside job; they're back in their home countries. One of my 'best friends' who'se a Guinean Muslim met my Saudi Arabian friend (who never kept in contact while I was doing my Master's) the day he was back in the UK and didn't have the courtesy of telling me until he went back to Saudi Arabia. Now the Guinean is busy because he has a baby. He was always a lousy friend. I voted for the UK to leave EU as I feel my European friends don't deserve to live and work in the UK when I can't

I haven't had a paid job for almost 9 years despite having a Master's and I was doing stupid volunteer work at various companies.

I don't do martial arts anymore as people I want to fight keep changing clubs and coming to the clubs I want to train at. I passed my judo and Ju Jitsu gradings (as I don't do kickboxing anymore) in 2017 and finally did MMA until my father died at the age of 69 of gallbladder cancer (I spent the final 3 months of his life with him in the hospital).

I tried going to the gym but apparently I have to relearn squat technique (after doing it for many years) and I don't have the discipline to diet. I swim for 25-35 minutes 3 times a week.

My family exploited my phobias and made unsubtle comments about my weight when I went to my cousin's wedding in Canada last year (2018). I've never had a girlfriend and I can't get married because my phobias were exploited.

I've been to 5 different psychiatrists and am on a cocktail of medications: Prozac, Stelazine (it sucks- couldn't concentrate), Seroquel (made me sleepy and fat), Zyprexa (made me crave sugar and made me fat), Abilify (gave me nightmares). Currently i'm on Zoloft and Solian.

All I want to live for is to go to Germany, South Korea and Japan this year and India next Diwali. I've been wanting to go to Far East since 2016 but it keeps getting pushed back. My 20s have sucked; I want to die after i've been to India for Diwali and I can't do India until i've done Korea and Japan.
 
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Helena1

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#3
Who told you you need to relearn your squat technique?

Can't you get back into MMA, as you seem to really enjoy doing that?

What are your phobias? Maybe you can work on them. Have you had therapy?
 
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ronki23

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#4
Who told you you need to relearn your squat technique?

Can't you get back into MMA, as you seem to really enjoy doing that?

What are your phobias? Maybe you can work on them. Have you had therapy?
I was doing MMA and then Dad went into hospital; for 10 weeks I wasn't doing any exercise and got unfit. After he died I thought I'd do swimming and gym and get into shape before I relearn martial arts but I think one of the guys I want to rematch from kickboxing has changed club and now does MMA at the place I want to. So nowhere to train.

Personal trainer said my technique is bad; I stalled at 70kg on squat after 3 and a half months training at 110kg bodyweight; back in 2014 I could do 100kg at 90kg. I'm not sure how much I did after my 2015 knee injury; I think I did 85kg at a weight of 100kg
 
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dewey

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#5
I was doing MMA and then Dad went into hospital; for 10 weeks I wasn't doing any exercise and got unfit. After he died I thought I'd do swimming and gym and get into shape before I relearn martial arts but I think one of the guys I want to rematch from kickboxing has changed club and now does MMA at the place I want to. So nowhere to train.

Personal trainer said my technique is bad; I stalled at 70kg on squat after 3 and a half months training at 110kg bodyweight; back in 2014 I could do 100kg at 90kg. I'm not sure how much I did after my 2015 knee injury; I think I did 85kg at a weight of 100kg
It's weird I opened the thread expecting to see you really expressing a desire to die, but as far as I can see you have quite strong 'fighting spirit', in both the literal and metaphorical meaning of the word 'fight'.

The main issue seems to be the way you have related to others when training/fighting.
Your aspergers seems to influence the way you understand certain social situations. To resolve this you would need to check in with someone (a good therapist or us here online) to give you advice as to how to deal with such situations.

As far as I can see, you lost certain matches. That is okay. Okay, losing feels crap if you're a competitor, with competitive spirit...
but you want to re-match the same people again? Why?
Why do you feel the need to? Why not learn how to improve and fine tune your technique so you win future matches, but not necessarily against the same people?

Losing against someone in a sport should not create a sense of animosity - you should not hold something against someone who beat you in a sports match. They just beat you in a sports match. That is all. There is no personal vendetta.
If you did have any sort of unprofessional kind of fight with them in a non sporting manner, then you will have to apologise to them and not behave similarly in future. That way you can continue to improve and fine tune your sport but not worry about the fact these people come to train at the same club as you.

You just have to get over it if they come to train where you are. It's not stopping them from coming, so why should you allow them to push you out of your club? Makes no sense.

You just have to get over the losing thing and continue to improve.
 
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ronki23

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#6
I'm 30 in June next year- this year I aim to do Berlin, South Korea and Japan (I've been wanting to go since 2016) and next Diwali I'd like to do India. Not sure what there is to live for after India because I haven't got a job, my Aspergers and phobia stop me from getting a girlfriend,etc.
 
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ronki23

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#7
What I really enjoy is getting tattoos- I got a tattoo done in memory of Dad shortly after he died then the year after I got one for my Gran. My tattoo artist is a bit of a character; unfortunately I can't get any major tattoos until I've been to Japan as the Japanese don't like tattoos and I'll have to cover them up in the hot springs and bath houses.
 
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ronki23

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#8
I used to kickbox at a crap club; not only did their 'gym' not have a bench rack or squat rack, the club forced me to do katas and Pointfighting. We did grappling now and again but then we didn't grapple for months on end. I also felt left out as I was never invited to stag parties, weddings,birthdays,etc. I quit once I got my blue belt (halfway to black) and saw how they still put me against beginners in tournaments.
If I didn't go to University I'd have switched clubs from kickboxing to Ju Jitsu which I actually did but I still kickboxed. The 'rival' kickboxing club took me on and I enjoyed it there more than my first club but they too were crap because they were a Pointfighting club. I didn't realise until University how frivolous forms and katas, and Pointfighting were useless as the University kickboxing club we just did drills, hit pads and sparred. At University I realised how it's hard to apply your throws,chokes and joint locks on a moving opponent; that's why I'm glad I took up judo. I also wrestled but in hindsight I don't think I should have- I should've focused on kickboxing and judo. Maybe I shouldn't have done Ju Jitsu until after my education if at all- should've focused on both kickboxing and judo (I'd have done Ju Jitsu instead of judo if I didn't go to University).

Which brings me on to my issues at University. My first Uni had a lot of 'coconut' Muslims who would drink and do drugs (and not fast for Ramadan) but they still wouldn't eat pork. The actual practising Muslims from Sha'ria countries would forgive them for that and they'd prioritise friendships with other Muslims instead of me. Whether they were practising or British born secular (who drink and do drugs) they'd be united in their antisemitism and hate for America. What really irritated me was they'd say 9/11 was an inside job instead of condemning Al Qaeda and ISIS. When I went to my second University there were practising Muslims from Shar'ia countries and they too wouldn't include me.

Nobody from University keeps in touch and I never got a paid job. I graduated 2013
 

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