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I'm 29 and have no desire to live past 30

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ronki23

Member
Joined
Jun 19, 2019
Messages
8
Location
UK
I have Asperger's so my thoughts may be a bit muddled but here goes:

I've been doing martial arts 2005-2017 and I really enjoyed kickboxing at Undergraduate University (2009-2012); I gave up drinking alcohol to be a better kickboxer. I then joined the rival club because they were really nice people (I still kept kickboxing at University). Not drinking alcohol and commuting to University for Undergraduate (as I was not ready to live on my own) made me feel left out as I never went to parties with University friends. That changed in 2011/12 when I finally passed my driving test and got to go to parties and stay out late. I used to say and do stupid things when drunk and didn't like the feeling afterwards so I quit alcohol in 2010.
I lost many times in kickboxing and judo and vowed to rematch certain people when I was ready but I got kicked out of my kickboxing club 2011 (a club I really enjoyed) for arguing with another club so did judo and wrestling 2011-12. I stopped wrestling 2012 as one of the guys I lost to in kickboxing joined the wrestling.

Then things started spiralling downwards in 2012/13; I went to a different University for my Master's (Grad school where I found a place to stay) people from the University martial arts club mocked me for different reasons: in Ju Jitsu they said karate sucks because I also tried karate and in karate they mocked me for not drinking alcohol.What's worse in Ju Jitsu they were holding the submission past tapping point- they were University clubs so they were full of 20-somethings. I then joined an MMA club run by adults and I was happy until I found people from University were interested so I quit.
I still enjoyed going to parties but whenever I went to a party as postgrad people I knew would never turn up and it was inconvenient going at 11PM at night; there was also an entry fee to the nightclubs.
My Master's degree was 50% Mainland Chinese students as well as 10% Thai, 10% Arab, 10% Nigerian and 10% Indian. A 'nice' mixture of people. I was lucky to have been to China in 2011 so I had something to talk about but then in the final month of Master's my so-called friends cut me out (we had no lectures left) and did things with one another and not me. Their excuse was they were ''busy doing assignments'' in 2013 but they were travelling and having fun with each other. On the bright side I found a wrestling club in the last 4 weeks to train at.

My friends from Undergraduate are too busy and working in London (Europeans) and my Muslim 'friends' hate Israel and think 9/11 was an inside job; they're back in their home countries. One of my 'best friends' who'se a Guinean Muslim met my Saudi Arabian friend (who never kept in contact while I was doing my Master's) the day he was back in the UK and didn't have the courtesy of telling me until he went back to Saudi Arabia. Now the Guinean is busy because he has a baby. He was always a lousy friend. I voted for the UK to leave EU as I feel my European friends don't deserve to live and work in the UK when I can't

I haven't had a paid job for almost 9 years despite having a Master's and I was doing stupid volunteer work at various companies.

I don't do martial arts anymore as people I want to fight keep changing clubs and coming to the clubs I want to train at. I passed my judo and Ju Jitsu gradings (as I don't do kickboxing anymore) in 2017 and finally did MMA until my father died at the age of 69 of gallbladder cancer (I spent the final 3 months of his life with him in the hospital).

I tried going to the gym but apparently I have to relearn squat technique (after doing it for many years) and I don't have the discipline to diet. I swim for 25-35 minutes 3 times a week.

My family exploited my phobias and made unsubtle comments about my weight when I went to my cousin's wedding in Canada last year (2018). I've never had a girlfriend and I can't get married because my phobias were exploited.

I've been to 5 different psychiatrists and am on a cocktail of medications: Prozac, Stelazine (it sucks- couldn't concentrate), Seroquel (made me sleepy and fat), Zyprexa (made me crave sugar and made me fat), Abilify (gave me nightmares). Currently i'm on Zoloft and Solian.

All I want to live for is to go to Germany, South Korea and Japan this year and India next Diwali. I've been wanting to go to Far East since 2016 but it keeps getting pushed back. My 20s have sucked; I want to die after i've been to India for Diwali and I can't do India until i've done Korea and Japan.
 
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Helena1

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Who told you you need to relearn your squat technique?

Can't you get back into MMA, as you seem to really enjoy doing that?

What are your phobias? Maybe you can work on them. Have you had therapy?
 
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ronki23

Member
Joined
Jun 19, 2019
Messages
8
Location
UK
Who told you you need to relearn your squat technique?

Can't you get back into MMA, as you seem to really enjoy doing that?

What are your phobias? Maybe you can work on them. Have you had therapy?
I was doing MMA and then Dad went into hospital; for 10 weeks I wasn't doing any exercise and got unfit. After he died I thought I'd do swimming and gym and get into shape before I relearn martial arts but I think one of the guys I want to rematch from kickboxing has changed club and now does MMA at the place I want to. So nowhere to train.

Personal trainer said my technique is bad; I stalled at 70kg on squat after 3 and a half months training at 110kg bodyweight; back in 2014 I could do 100kg at 90kg. I'm not sure how much I did after my 2015 knee injury; I think I did 85kg at a weight of 100kg
 
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dewey

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Jan 16, 2019
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1,015
I was doing MMA and then Dad went into hospital; for 10 weeks I wasn't doing any exercise and got unfit. After he died I thought I'd do swimming and gym and get into shape before I relearn martial arts but I think one of the guys I want to rematch from kickboxing has changed club and now does MMA at the place I want to. So nowhere to train.

Personal trainer said my technique is bad; I stalled at 70kg on squat after 3 and a half months training at 110kg bodyweight; back in 2014 I could do 100kg at 90kg. I'm not sure how much I did after my 2015 knee injury; I think I did 85kg at a weight of 100kg
It's weird I opened the thread expecting to see you really expressing a desire to die, but as far as I can see you have quite strong 'fighting spirit', in both the literal and metaphorical meaning of the word 'fight'.

The main issue seems to be the way you have related to others when training/fighting.
Your aspergers seems to influence the way you understand certain social situations. To resolve this you would need to check in with someone (a good therapist or us here online) to give you advice as to how to deal with such situations.

As far as I can see, you lost certain matches. That is okay. Okay, losing feels crap if you're a competitor, with competitive spirit...
but you want to re-match the same people again? Why?
Why do you feel the need to? Why not learn how to improve and fine tune your technique so you win future matches, but not necessarily against the same people?

Losing against someone in a sport should not create a sense of animosity - you should not hold something against someone who beat you in a sports match. They just beat you in a sports match. That is all. There is no personal vendetta.
If you did have any sort of unprofessional kind of fight with them in a non sporting manner, then you will have to apologise to them and not behave similarly in future. That way you can continue to improve and fine tune your sport but not worry about the fact these people come to train at the same club as you.

You just have to get over it if they come to train where you are. It's not stopping them from coming, so why should you allow them to push you out of your club? Makes no sense.

You just have to get over the losing thing and continue to improve.
 
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ronki23

Member
Joined
Jun 19, 2019
Messages
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Location
UK
I'm 30 in June next year- this year I aim to do Berlin, South Korea and Japan (I've been wanting to go since 2016) and next Diwali I'd like to do India. Not sure what there is to live for after India because I haven't got a job, my Aspergers and phobia stop me from getting a girlfriend,etc.
 
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ronki23

Member
Joined
Jun 19, 2019
Messages
8
Location
UK
What I really enjoy is getting tattoos- I got a tattoo done in memory of Dad shortly after he died then the year after I got one for my Gran. My tattoo artist is a bit of a character; unfortunately I can't get any major tattoos until I've been to Japan as the Japanese don't like tattoos and I'll have to cover them up in the hot springs and bath houses.
 
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ronki23

Member
Joined
Jun 19, 2019
Messages
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Location
UK
I used to kickbox at a crap club; not only did their 'gym' not have a bench rack or squat rack, the club forced me to do katas and Pointfighting. We did grappling now and again but then we didn't grapple for months on end. I also felt left out as I was never invited to stag parties, weddings,birthdays,etc. I quit once I got my blue belt (halfway to black) and saw how they still put me against beginners in tournaments.
If I didn't go to University I'd have switched clubs from kickboxing to Ju Jitsu which I actually did but I still kickboxed. The 'rival' kickboxing club took me on and I enjoyed it there more than my first club but they too were crap because they were a Pointfighting club. I didn't realise until University how frivolous forms and katas, and Pointfighting were useless as the University kickboxing club we just did drills, hit pads and sparred. At University I realised how it's hard to apply your throws,chokes and joint locks on a moving opponent; that's why I'm glad I took up judo. I also wrestled but in hindsight I don't think I should have- I should've focused on kickboxing and judo. Maybe I shouldn't have done Ju Jitsu until after my education if at all- should've focused on both kickboxing and judo (I'd have done Ju Jitsu instead of judo if I didn't go to University).

Which brings me on to my issues at University. My first Uni had a lot of 'coconut' Muslims who would drink and do drugs (and not fast for Ramadan) but they still wouldn't eat pork. The actual practising Muslims from Sha'ria countries would forgive them for that and they'd prioritise friendships with other Muslims instead of me. Whether they were practising or British born secular (who drink and do drugs) they'd be united in their antisemitism and hate for America. What really irritated me was they'd say 9/11 was an inside job instead of condemning Al Qaeda and ISIS. When I went to my second University there were practising Muslims from Shar'ia countries and they too wouldn't include me.

Nobody from University keeps in touch and I never got a paid job. I graduated 2013
 
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ronki23

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Jun 19, 2019
Messages
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Location
UK
While I've always wanted to go to Germany and Japan, back in 2013 when I was at University I thought I would go with my Chinese friends to West USA and Mexico, and with my Guinean Muslim friend to Brazil and / or Mexico.
I chose Latin America because a lot of my friends from Undergraduate were Spanish speakers (a Portuguese guy, a Spanish guy, a Brazilian guy, a half Mexican guy) so often went out together to nightclubs, trips to Spain,etc. The problem was these Spanish speakers were closer to one another than they were to me and part of the fault lies in commuting to University and having to get home at a reasonable time- only when I FINALLY passed my driving test at the end of year 2 did I go out in year 3 but my Muslim Guinean friend often pulled out of going out as he had irregular working shifts and the Equatorial Guinea friend (who also spoke Spanish) never came out unless that other Guinean guy was coming. Anyway, the Saudi Arabian never came out to nightclubs but had time for the other Muslims. I cut these people out because the Saudi came back to the UK for one day in 2013 and spent the day with the Muslim Guinean and neither had the courtesy to contact me.

As for West USA (Vegas, Grand Canyon, California) with the Chinese from postgraduate (grad school) it was because they had a lot of spending power and often went out with one another. Our last class was end of June 2013 and I went out to lunch with 3 of them (plus saw another 5) 2 on August 2013 and then from August 4 2013 they all cut me out of their lives. They claimed to be "busy doing the final assignment" but in reality they were travelling around the UK/going to Europe with one another. This tipped me over the edge and gave me depression.

I actually recovered from my depression in 2016 but then my Dad died December 2017- 7 weeks after being diagnosed with gallbladder cancer.
So in reality, the trips to Germany; Korea; Japan, and India weren't even on the menu in 2013.

I want to go for 3 reasons:


1. These trips to the East are alternatives to the Americas

2. I went to India with Dad in 2015 but it was only to Maharastra- we spent most our time in Bombay and the psychiatrist there put me on Stelazine which messed up my concentration

3. My family treated me like crap in Canada, Virginia and DC last year. They exploited my phobia and made unsubtle comments about my weight/ didn't let me eat what I wanted
 
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goodgollymiss

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Apr 6, 2017
Messages
407
I didnt get into grad school. I'm glad that you made it! Sometimes science direct has free journals online if they are from 2011 and earlier. I like reading free nursing journals or math journals online. But I dont know if I understand them right so I keep going to wikipedia and wolfram. When I was in toronto, I couldn't get a volunteer job. I did when I moved to a small town and now I work part time in elder care. Have you thought of doing practical nursing. It is such a rewarding field. I did something a bit more easy than nursing, I went into psw school. You could teach english in Japan and now they have a new kindergarten teacher program. Maybe the japanese olympics needs new volunteers. If you want a neat japanese experience, some usa towns have kinokuniya bookstores. A multivitamin helps with my concentration and the fact that I dont snack. I found that going to aquafit has helped me socially and physically. Have you thought of learning a new language or maybe translating poetry from different languages for fun. A couple of years ago I tried to memorize japanese characters to learn the language. You have to memorize around 40 radical pics to use the radical dictionary. Radicals are just building blocks of picture words. The japanese probably have 5000 picture words. There is a site called kanji damage where you could learn japanese characters
 
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savedbygrace2019

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Joined
Aug 5, 2019
Messages
24
Location
Texas
College sucks no wonder you're so sad. I got my bachelors degree in 2015 and had never been so low in my life. I understand how you feel though. I'm 27 and I just hope things get a little better.
 
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ronki23

Member
Joined
Jun 19, 2019
Messages
8
Location
UK
Another thing that really frustrates me as a British Indian is that in Britain and Canada the Indians/Pakistanis/Bangladeshis stick with one another and don't intermingle with others or the other extreme- not accepting your culture AT ALL (not as much as the former). Segregation really bugs me, so does self hatred.
 
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