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I'm 23, single, have no IRL friends, depressed for over 10 years

HyperBeam004

HyperBeam004

New member
Joined
Oct 13, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Spain
Hi there! I'm a 23 years old male from Spain. I suffer from depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. I have never had any IRL friends or boyfriend (I'm gay) No one really loves or cares about me. I need friends and a love... Will you listen to my story?

I'll go by chronological order... First thing that I know about my life is that when I was just a baby one day my father was working and my mother was not paying attention to me. I fell from a high height and hit my head. This could be partially why my mental health is so ruined.

When I was 3 years old I began school (it's mandatory in Spain between ages 3 and 15) My teacher soon noticed that I did not socialize with the other kids at all. She recommended my parents that they took me to a psychologist. They did... once. After that and for unknown reasons (my parents won't tell me why), they wouldn't take me to mental health again until 10 years later in my life.

When I was 4 my parents split up. This finished my possibilities of having a brother or sister... My whole childhood was going from home to school, and from school back to home, and be home with my mother all day until the following day. I remember we fought a lot, specially because she didn't give me much attention. One day a week I'd be with my father instead and the weekends I'd spend with my father's parents. My mother's parents I would see very rarely.

In primary and secondary school I was always bullied for being smart, ugly and gay. I didn't admit being gay to others until I was 16, but I always knew it myself and everyone in school "knew" because I never had a girlfriend and because of my girl voice. When I was 11 years old I fell in love for the first time, but I never had the courage to tell him and a year later he got a girlfriend. I would spend my days crying in my room, while my mother just ignored me pretending nothing happened.

In secondary school the bullying only got worse even becoming physical, and my feelings of loneliness grew exponentially. When I was 13 I exploded, I was always depressive as a child but at 13 my depression reached its peak. First thing I did was ask my parents for help, but they didn't take me seriously. As such I became suicidal and that's when I got to mental health again. Psychologists, psychiatrists and medicines always felt useless to me. My father would say to me that I was only pretending so as to not have to study while I was in the hospital.

At age 16 I decided to give up on life so I dropped school. That's also when I started to look for a boyfriend online, so my parents eventually found out I am gay. My father and I didn't want to see each other at the time and my mother, being a religious person, hated me being gay, so I had to move with my father's parents for 6 months.

At 17 years old my mother couldn't pay the house's rent anymore so we had to move with her parents. However, her parents don't accept me at all so I was kicked out after 6 months. This forced me to move with my father, since my other grandparents were living with my aunt and she didn't accept me either.

By this time my father had a girlfriend (currently wife) and they lived together. She didn't take long to hate me. When I was 18 years old my father's girlfriend told my father that either he kicked me out of the house (leaving me homeless indeed) or she dumped him. My father was going to choose her. My father's words: "even if you have to live on the square and sleep on a bench". My father's girlfriend's words: "live under a bridge, there you won't bother anyone". In the end we made a deal, I would continue studying and they would not kick me.

I finished my mandatory level studies, however my father's girlfriend still wanted me away. In the end I was forced to move to a shared house for students. The day I moved there I was so anxious, shaking, wanting to vomit all the time. It was my first time living with unknown people, and everything all of a sudden. I was terrified, and didn't even have dinner. The following day I heard the news: the other two students, who were friends, told the house owner that she had to kick me out or they left. As such I was back with my father and his girlfriend.

It wasn't long until my father's girlfriend left and dumped him. As such, my father's only way out was to pay a house's rent for me and my mother to live in. This way he recovered his girlfriend. Now we live in a small one bedroom house.

My father stopped talking to me last 15th June. This week he said he won't be paying the full rent anymore, so now I'll have to use part of my disability money for it (I'm 65% disabled) The disability money in Spain isn't much but enough to pay for that, plus internet and phone. And if you work you lose it.

And that's basically my life. I hope you enjoyed my personal "horror movie". I just need friends and a boyfriend...
 
R

Roseessa

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 11, 2018
Messages
98
Location
Nottingham
Hola, Hello,
I hope this website helps you in some way.
If you need someone to talk to then you can send me a message.
Everyone needs friends and people to talk to.
:)
 
L

leighton02

Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2019
Messages
9
Location
London
I male from the UK have autism spectrum disorder and ADD diagnosed in my twenties this was heartbreaking and has made me feel so low. The loneliness even before I was diagnosed and now after has got me eating comfort foods which do not help but hinder depression. However life is not going to give you much more chances and I realize that I must keep pushing forward.
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
193
Location
South Korea
Well, I'm a religious person. A back-slidden Christian. But don't be afraid of me. I don't judge gays. In fact, I am disgusted of people who do judge.

You've gone through so much agony! I've been through horrible stuff as you did.

When I was young, my family fought each each other constantly, and thrashed things over. It was dreadful.

I was afraid of rejection. So, I tried to pour myself onto academics. But that failed.

When I was a teenager, I was jealous of a person who was smart (there were plenty of people like that). She was doing well in academics, and I stank at it. I tried to study hard, but it wasn't enough. I wasn't going to catch up with her. But I tried to flirt with her in order to gain favor. Nevertheless, hatred surged beyond toleration, and said some pretty gruesome insults at her. She freaked out, told the school administrators, and I was kicked out of school. Shame and terror gripped at me because the police was almost going to arrest me. I knew what jail was going to be like.

Thankfully, since I was an honor student, I was let off by the administrators and the police only gave me a warning. Although I didn't go to jail, my life spiraled downwards. My parents were unwell, and I hurt my family.

I tried to go to college, but I kept failing due to my mental disorders that plagued me afterwards. Since my dad was not making enough money, I had to take care of my mentally ill mom. Alone. And it drains my mental health.

I suffered too much this January through March, and even worse in Spring.

My mother was suffering from delusional disorder for 10 years. She believed that she was facing persecution from dark spiritual forces manifested in evil-minded people, despite there was none. She raged about it, and caused trouble. I went to the doctor to get help. He gave her Risperidone and Lithium to ease her anger and delusions. They seemed to calm her down, but she went back again.

She was so angry that she became alcoholic. That seemed to calm her down, but my doctor warned that could bring dangers.
He urged me not to have her drink alcohol.

I tried that for months. I tried telling her. I tried pouring the alcohol out into the sink. Nothing worked. There were times she never took her pills properly. I tried to force her for months, but it doesn't work. She was spiraling out of control and I couldn't stop it.

But my mind pushed me to push harder or else everything is over.

I suffer from paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I have been taking pills properly, but this situation scared me beyond limits.

From what I've learned from websites, you just worry about yourself if someone is not willing to receive help. But I can't. She might end up homeless if she spirals down the path. I feel like I have to do better in order to survive. Without her, I feel like I can't survive. I can get a job, who on earth is going to take care of her? There's a possibility that I can't get a job. Or won't make enough money. My father is exhausted, and cannot pay for her hospital bills if she gets admitted into one. And since I am an undergraduate from a college, I can't pay for our living expenses and her expenses.

But she recovered this July. We went to a different doctor and she took different pills such as Risperidone and Depakote.

But I loathe the memories of going through the park in winter, seeing dead plants and lifelessness. Add that with no people. Worrying about whether she would commit suicide, or commit harm. If that happens, my family would reject me and lose financial support. It's hard to get a job in South Korea. Although I'm an American, I came to South Korea for family support on finances and affordable healthcare. The taxes and healthcare costs are too high in US. So I'm stuck...

I'm lonely also. I can't get a friend due to the horrid working hours people around me face.

I dealt with many frustrating individuals who goes off in anger. I'm fed up with them. Moreover, friends who are good didn't have time for me. Everyone's like that nowadays. Too busy to make their ends meet rather than hang out with each other. Not even once a week! Even once a month is too taxing. Many people are too occupied with their work to even commence a frend-to-friend meeting. And try doing that in here in South Korea, where people work the longest.
They study excessive hours (sleeping less than 4 hours) just to get into the workplaces that will work your butt off more.

So, I feel lonely also...
 
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