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Ignoring the obvious

J

jdohe

Active member
Joined
Jul 26, 2009
Messages
42
I think my several posts have included many examples of problems which have had the effect of lighting a fire. I still refuse to believe that the problems I have mentioned are normal or acceptable behavior - and that those behaviors are causing my father's mental problems or at least making them worse. I'm disappointed in the replies I have gotten here though. Instead of getting any kind of support, I'm pretty much getting people trying to put out the fire and making it seem as though the behaviors I have mentioned do not need to be dealt with.

I am doing my best to help my dad - which is not easy because I have considerable problems of my own including a gallbladder that is so painful about 7 times a month that it keeps me awake all day long, and a tooth that has broken apart and requires a root canal which I cannot afford. I also have genuine sky high blood pressure. I can endure my problems but I just can't deal with my dad falling apart mentally and talking to himself and acting irrationally.
 
unlucky

unlucky

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Mar 21, 2009
Messages
2,858
Location
Glasgow
I don't think anyone here doubts that your father and adopted sister have problems, I think what people have the problem with is the way you refer to people. Personally, I think that if you're calling your adopted sister 'the adopted daughter' and your stepmother 'the deceased mother' then not only does your father have the problem of dealing with his grief (remember this is his wife you're talking about and it is only natural for him to be grieving) and dealing with his adopted daughter (who don't forget is also grieving for her mother), but he also has to deal with your animosity towards 2 people he obviously cares about.
Surely the best course of action for you is to be there for your father and let him know that if he is having problems he can talk to you and you'll do your best to help. If you feel he is having Mental Health problems try to get him to see his doctor. But above all, don't judge him and make his problems worse by badmouthing the other people he cares about.
 
J

jdohe

Active member
Joined
Jul 26, 2009
Messages
42
Here we go again.

I don't think anyone here doubts that your father and adopted sister have problems, I think what people have the problem with is the way you refer to people. Personally, I think that if you're calling your adopted sister 'the adopted daughter' and your stepmother 'the deceased mother' then not only does your father have the problem of dealing with his grief (remember this is his wife you're talking about and it is only natural for him to be grieving) and dealing with his adopted daughter (who don't forget is also grieving for her mother), but he also has to deal with your animosity towards 2 people he obviously cares about.
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People must read my posts with blinders on. First, I only refer to them as the deceased mother and adopted daughter in these posts so that you know who I am talking about. I don't call them that in person. I think it is important for the purpose of these messages to make it clear that the mother has passed away and that the daughter is adopted. Furthermore, she was not my stepmother at any time.

As for grieving, my father and his wife hated each other. They did not share a bedroom, they used seperate vehicles to go to places even though they were both going to same place because the wife did not like his driving. She stole money from him blatantly for years, they had four letter shouting matches daily, she kept bringing in more pets that she did not care for, she cooked about 2 meals per week, didn't wash his clothes nor clean the house. Her primary activities were talking on the phone for hours a day and watching TV.

As for the daughter, the best way to describe what she is going through is that she is celebrating, not grieving. She went to a party the very day her mother was expected to die and in fact did die. That party was 3 days after the massive stroke. I am quite sure that if my mother had a stroke, I would not be going to any party 3 days later and not making my father late in getting to the hospital to be there when she died by requiring him to drop her off at that party. And what does the girl do then? Three days after the funeral she has her nails done for $88 for no special occassion other than to get it done. Weeks later she takes a 2 week trip to NYC to see all the sites and broadway plays. I have grieved more over pet birds dying than she is grieving over her mother. The only sign of grief I have ever seen with the girl is that in her room, she has a picture and letter of comfort in regards to a loss of a loved one. The picture and letter are for a teacher of her's that died 2 years ago. There is nothing in her room about her mother's passing.

The mother treated that girl like a total spoiled princess. They could have been tethered together for most of the day because they always left the house together. In fact, the mother told my dad thousands of times over the years that she was going to divorce him and take the girl with her. This was her main method of winning what she wanted out of my father. He was terrified that he would lose the daughter. Ironically, they had also adopted 4 other children, yet they forced the state to take those 4 kids back after having them for about 10 years. The adoptions of the 4 kids and the new adopted girl overlapped by about 6 years. My dad insists he can't get rid of the filthy uncared for dogs here because it would break the girl's heart, yet that girl was not upset at all about having the 4 other adopted kids move out.
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Okay jdhoe

I can understand that there are alot of issues here. I think what you are looking for is some kind of diagnosis for your adopted sister and father? If I am wrong do let me know. However no one on here is qualified to give that, and even if we were we could not do that going by your posts, especially as I have mentioned in previous responses to you that you have extremely powerful feelings yourself about the situation.

You posted this in an anxiety forum, and you are saying that you have high blood pressure too. Are you suffering with anxiety brought about by this whole situation?

There is little we can do but offer YOU support, unless your adopted sister and father come on here themselves.

I really feel from the nature of your posts that you have alot of residual anger about the whole thing, and I really do feel that you yourself should seek the advice of a counsellor or therapist. Because this level of anger and frustration can not be good for your other existing health problems.

In another post I have given you a list of practical things you can do to help your father and try to remedy the situation in the meantime; (Please look at the post by sapphire77-written by me to read the one I wrote)

http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/showthread.php?t=5917

I don't really know what more we can offer you?
If there is anything else you would like from us can you please be specific? :)
 
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J

jdohe

Active member
Joined
Jul 26, 2009
Messages
42
Thanks for the meaningful response

My high blood pressure is the real deal and is quite high. It isn't really affected much by the amount of stress.

I really don't think anything can be done about the girl. She has lived her entire lifetime in a mode of avoiding any responsibility and doing no work and putting an effort towards nothing. Here is one new example of that: every kid I ever knew of loved to decorate the house for Christmas, however this girl would not lift a finger to help her parents decorate for any holiday including Christmas - in fact, I would have to go over to their house to do the decorating for them. She would not even put any ornaments on the Christmas tree. I think that is not only outrageous, but sad and pathetic.

As for my father, he has been taking 50% more than the normal dose of Paxil, yet it does not seem to be having any effect.

Lastly, I feel compelled to mention that the girl has been back from her 2 week trip of NYC for 3 days now. In that 3 days, she has gone to 2 parties! This girl must average going to 3 parties per week. As I mentioned before, she went to a party the day her mother died - which was 3 days after her massive stroke that put her into a coma. The general consensus here seems to be that the girl is not abnormal. I happen to think otherwise. I guess I must be the one that is nuts.
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
I don't think people think you are nuts but I do feel you are stressed by the situation, and hence you are becoming aggressive towards your family in your posts as a result. Which is upsetting to some people. Please remember this is a mental health forum, we are on the whole understanding and caring towards people, but that is difficult if someone is coming across as aggressive towards the very people they say they are trying to help. It kind of confuses things if you get my meaning?

To be honest one phrase that someone told me comes to mind that might help you in your situation that really helped me in another situation.

"You can either be stuck and in a traffic jam and become angry about it, or you can be stuck in a traffic jam and not react at all, either way you are still stuck in a traffic jam."

I think what people are trying to get over to you, is that the situation is still the same, but how you choose to deal with that situation is up to you.

I have noted that you haven't really responded to my suggestions or others in fact, therefore I am led to believe that you really are looking for a place to let off steam?

Look I am not trying to inflame you by saying that, or upset you, however that is the impression I and others are getting from your posts.

Look if you want to let off steam, go ahead, we all need it at times, and if what you are saying is true then I would too! But don't start a thread asking for help if you don't really want any.

If you do, then please be specific with what you are looking for. As I and other have said, we can't offer a diagnosis going by your posts, no one can. But we can offer suggestions. However if you are only going to ignore those suggestions, and accuse others of not understanding then people may be less inclined to try to offer some support to you.

Please tell us what is it that you are asking from people?
I can understand that you are facing some difficulties but finding it hard to understand what kind of support you want from this forum?
 
J

jdohe

Active member
Joined
Jul 26, 2009
Messages
42
Treating instead of solving the problem

As with many physical diseases, I suppose there are many psychological cases where the problem can't be cured but the symptoms can be treated.

In that regard, I would like to know what medications might benefit my dad. Several years ago he used Prosac and that sort of turned his mind off. Now he is on Paxil, but that doesn't seem to be helping. What other meds are out there?

I know there is nothing I can do for the girl. She is not an evil nor malicious person, yet at the same time, she is not a nice nor benevolent person either. She just doesn't care and I don't think she knows what is right and what is wrong. It will be interesting to see how she will change now that she is graduated from that private school and its regimented system. She is now a bona fide loose cannon.
I just remembered something else the girl does. Whenever she wants a new gismo to replace something she already has, she will intentionally break the current item to force the purchace of a new one. Some examples of that are portable CD players and cell phones. If they are not the right color, or the batteries are low, or they are not the same kind her friends have - she will destroy her own stuff and demand a specific replacement. I think normal parents would avoid that habit by not going out and purchasing the replacement she demanded, but in her case, the parents caved in to all her demands.
Oh, one other thing which is going to be interesting. Although she is 19, she has yet to show any interest in boys. Since graduating, she has been out til midnight most nights. Sooner or later some horny guy is going to make her their little conquest - especially if the guys find out how much money she has sitting in her bank accounts. Its possible she might be a lesbian, which would probably be a good thing in her case. I shudder to think of her ever having children. The other 4 adopted kids that were "unadopted" didn't fare so well in that regard. All 4 of them have been arrested and jailed numerous times. The 4 are all real siblings from same natural mother who were adopted by my dad and his wife. The girl used to blow her brothers, and I suspect that one of her 2 kids was fathered by her brother. Those 4 darlings used to do things like set the house on fire, break into neighbor's houses, deal drugs, steal greeting cards from several neighbor's mailboxes and take the money, the boys got an unknown number of girls pregnant and abandon them, and after leaving this house, the girl moved back in with her natural mother - who would pimp her out to old men in the neighborhood. One of that girl's babies was taken away from her because mommy "accidentally" broke the baby's eye socket by running into a kitchen door. Thankfully, it seems that those 4 siblings are all in their 20's now and don't come around here at all. I only mentioned them to show the results of my dad and wife's parenting skills. I was primarily left alone and raised myself. My mother did almost all the parenting of me with minimal input from my father all the way up to the point of their divorce.
 
W

Wonky

Guest
Jdohe, I apologise if you have already offered answers to the questions I will pose below or if you have already had the suggestions/information I am going to give below.

1) Re. your blood pressure and gallbladder problems - are you receiving treatment for these? If not go to your GP.

2) Re. your dental problem. Are you on benefit? If you are you can get the treatment for free. If you are not on benefit, would you be eliglible for some kind of benefit or help? There are probably organisations in your area that can help you with this. Your GP surgery may have information about such organisations. Or you could ask your surgery about a carer's organisation in your area - a carer's organisation would be able to help you or refer you on.

3) The animals. You could call the RSPCA and ask them to take them. Although the animals appear to be owned by your father, the RSPCA will act in the light of the animal's welfare. This would be the best thing for you, your father and the animals themselves - although I can understand that you may be reluctant to add any more friction to the situation you are in.

4) Re. your father. You say he is currently on Paxil (Paroxetine). Who has prescribed this for him? His GP or a psychiatrist? Is there any possibility of you talking to his GP or psychiatrist?

5) Re. your request for advice about other medication for your father. I think it would be highly irresponsible for anyone here to suggest alternative medication. We are absolutely in no position to judge your father's problems ( regardless of the information you have given us) and we are not qualified to do so either. Medication is an issue for his GP or psychiatrist.

6) Re. your issues with the "adopted daughter", etc. I don't think you are going to get what you seem to be looking for with respect to these issues, which I think is something like, "yes, she sounds like a right b*tch". What people here could offer is support with YOUR stress etc, which she appears to be aggravating. You can use this forum as a place just to let off steam, but don't expect people to response to diatribes about other people.
 
J

jdohe

Active member
Joined
Jul 26, 2009
Messages
42
Finally! A great response

Jdohe, I apologise if you have already offered answers to the questions I will pose below or if you have already had the suggestions/information I am going to give below.

1) Re. your blood pressure and gallbladder problems - are you receiving treatment for these? If not go to your GP.

2) Re. your dental problem. Are you on benefit? If you are you can get the treatment for free. If you are not on benefit, would you be eliglible for some kind of benefit or help? There are probably organisations in your area that can help you with this. Your GP surgery may have information about such organisations. Or you could ask your surgery about a carer's organisation in your area - a carer's organisation would be able to help you or refer you on.

3) The animals. You could call the RSPCA and ask them to take them. Although the animals appear to be owned by your father, the RSPCA will act in the light of the animal's welfare. This would be the best thing for you, your father and the animals themselves - although I can understand that you may be reluctant to add any more friction to the situation you are in.

4) Re. your father. You say he is currently on Paxil (Paroxetine). Who has prescribed this for him? His GP or a psychiatrist? Is there any possibility of you talking to his GP or psychiatrist?

5) Re. your request for advice about other medication for your father. I think it would be highly irresponsible for anyone here to suggest alternative medication. We are absolutely in no position to judge your father's problems ( regardless of the information you have given us) and we are not qualified to do so either. Medication is an issue for his GP or psychiatrist.

6) Re. your issues with the "adopted daughter", etc. I don't think you are going to get what you seem to be looking for with respect to these issues, which I think is something like, "yes, she sounds like a right b*tch". What people here could offer is support with YOUR stress etc, which she appears to be aggravating. You can use this forum as a place just to let off steam, but don't expect people to response to diatribes about other people.


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On 1 and 2, no, I have no benefits at all. Neither of my parents ever had me covered for anything. Interestingly, the adopted girl has full coverage for everything - probably on the insistance of the mother. The girl just got put on a new health policy. My father said he was going to put me on policy also, but did not. In fact, my dad is terrified that if I have to go to hospital that the hospital will come after him for payment. There were a few occasions last year that I was awakened with so much pain from gallbladder that I could not even stand up! All I could do is roll around in agony. I also had a few days of agonising throbbing tooth pain in which the only pain relief I had was to put ice directly on my teeth for hours on end all night long. Ice itself is painful, but not as painful as the tooth pain without ice.

3. SPCA would definitely take at least the 3 dogs if they saw the conditions here. They might also lock up my dad for allowing this. I have managed to get the 3 cats tamed and trained enough to be livable - but the dogs are just too much to deal with. One of them nearly sunk his fangs into my leg today just because the dog is insane. I did nothing to provoke him. If I were to report the animal situation to the SPCA, my dad would go ballistic.

4. You made an excellent point here. His GP is prescribing the Paxil - which she has no business doing. The GP should be referring him to a psychiatrist. Likewise, if someone has an eye condition, a GP shouldn't be prescribing ophthalmic meds and if a person has heart disease they should be referred to a cardiologist, and if cancer an oncologist. I think this GP is more interested in keeping him as her patient than getting him proper care. GPs know a lil bit about everything, but lack the expertise to be treating psychiatric or cardiac or eye conditions.. as well as many other things.

6. I'm afraid the daughter is a lost cause. There is nobody that can influence her now that she has a substantial pot of gold in the bank. Just tonight, she went to another party and was supposed to be home no later than 10pm. It is now 6am.. enough said. When my dad wakes up and finds out she did not come home, it will put him into a panic attack.
 
W

Wonky

Guest
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On 1 and 2, no, I have no benefits at all. Neither of my parents ever had me covered for anything. Interestingly, the adopted girl has full coverage for everything - probably on the insistance of the mother. The girl just got put on a new health policy. My father said he was going to put me on policy also, but did not. In fact, my dad is terrified that if I have to go to hospital that the hospital will come after him for payment. There were a few occasions last year that I was awakened with so much pain from gallbladder that I could not even stand up! All I could do is roll around in agony. I also had a few days of agonising throbbing tooth pain in which the only pain relief I had was to put ice directly on my teeth for hours on end all night long. Ice itself is painful, but not as painful as the tooth pain without ice.

3. SPCA would definitely take at least the 3 dogs if they saw the conditions here. They might also lock up my dad for allowing this. I have managed to get the 3 cats tamed and trained enough to be livable - but the dogs are just too much to deal with. One of them nearly sunk his fangs into my leg today just because the dog is insane. I did nothing to provoke him. If I were to report the animal situation to the SPCA, my dad would go ballistic.

4. You made an excellent point here. His GP is prescribing the Paxil - which she has no business doing. The GP should be referring him to a psychiatrist. Likewise, if someone has an eye condition, a GP shouldn't be prescribing ophthalmic meds and if a person has heart disease they should be referred to a cardiologist, and if cancer an oncologist. I think this GP is more interested in keeping him as her patient than getting him proper care. GPs know a lil bit about everything, but lack the expertise to be treating psychiatric or cardiac or eye conditions.. as well as many other things.

6. I'm afraid the daughter is a lost cause. There is nobody that can influence her now that she has a substantial pot of gold in the bank. Just tonight, she went to another party and was supposed to be home no later than 10pm. It is now 6am.. enough said. When my dad wakes up and finds out she did not come home, it will put him into a panic attack.
Sorry, Jdohe, you are missing a number of my points. Sorry if I am being stupid but I am assuming that you are of British nationality living in the UK, therefore -

1) Re. physical and dental problems, you do not need private health insurance or what you call a "health policy", you can use the NHS. If you are on benefits you will not have to pay for dental treatment. You will not have to pay in any case for treatment of your high blood pressure or gallbladder trouble. No NHS hospital is going to come after your father for payment. You seem to be more interested in carping about the "adopted girl" and your father than responding to practical advice. I think this is one of the reasons why some people on the Mental Health Forum have become a little frustrated with you.

2) I can understand that you are reluctant to do anything about the animals because of the reaction it might provoke from your father. However your description of one of the dogs nearly biting you is NOT about the dog being "insane", it is about the thoroughly unsatisfactory conditions that dog is in. Whether the animal problems are faced now or in the future, they are problems that must be faced, and the problems are not being caused by the animals but the incredibly disordered, filthy, and dysfunctional conditions created by the humans. One of the humans has to take responsibility and act.

3) It is perfectly acceptable and standard practice for GPs to prescribe a SSRI like paroxetine - you can not criticise the GP for this. Whether your father should be referred to a psychiatrist is another question. I do not see why GPs would want to hang onto patients in the way you describe (within the British NHS that is).

4) You have completely missed my point about going on about the "adopted girl" and the response you are likely to get on this forum. You have used my point simply as an excuse to go on about her again.

Sorry I have to ask, are you a British national living in the UK? Because you don't seem to have an understanding of the NHS which one would expect from the average British person. If you are not british, please say so, because if you are not it makes it much harder for british people to give you practical advice.
 
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W

Wonky

Guest
Jdohe, are you an American (USA)? If so I have wasted my time with a lot of what I have said. Please clarify where you are, it would help people on this forum in giving you relevant advice.
 
J

jdohe

Active member
Joined
Jul 26, 2009
Messages
42
In USA not UK

I'm in USA, not UK.

Although our government is currently attempting to socialise medicine here. The US has a knack of spending 2 to 10 times as much on programs to achieve the same results as other countries.
 
W

Wonky

Guest
Thank you for answering my question, jdohe. Since you are in USA I can not give you any practical advice or suggestions as I know nothing about services, organisations, etc, in USA generally or any particular state.

I am sorry that I assumed you were in the UK - it just seems that this forum is mostly UK, so I took it for granted.
 
J

jdohe

Active member
Joined
Jul 26, 2009
Messages
42
UK and US differences

oh well!

I suppose there are a few conversions between US and UK.
For instance, the average $90 per month the girl spends on having her nails done comes to about 60 pounds I think. That is probably about how much per month Queen Elisabeth spends on her nails. Whoops, there I go with my rants again.
 
P

penelope

Guest
Please do not bring your hate onto the forum about your fathers adopted daughter or the 'girl' as you refer to her.
She obviously has issues and she should be left to it.
People on here are really caring and I think you have been really offensive in your manner towards other people. If you need advice then ask your General practioner about these issues and not a support forum.

If you can stop hating other people for once then I would like to talk to you
If not then go and see the GP

In peace go I

:(
 
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