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If you think I deserve it, may you help me?



Hi all,
I am 24 years old, male. Architecture student. And I have been suffering for more than 3 years.

I have been diagnosed with so many illnesses that I was confused in which forum I should post this thread. But it is mainly connected with depression so let it be depression. Some of these diagnoses are:
- Somatization disorder
- Anxiety and panic attacks
- Depression
- Bipolar disorder
- Depression again
- Derealization
- And at last, borderline personality disorder

So the diagnoses aren’t so specified. I am a complete mess. I am now stuck in complete nothingness. First, I was a super-functioning student with very high grades. It was a kind of hyper activity period "mania". I was in love with architecture. I ranked second in my class just before I was hit by these nonsense malfunctions.
It started when I submitted my year project. It ranked first. But I didn’t feel happy, not one bit. I cried out of grief but I didn't understand why. Then I felt severely tired. I called my family to pick me up. Then I spent about a week and a half with not being able to move nor speak. I had seen a neurologist. He told me that I was neurologically good and I should see a psychiatrist.
Then my first psychiatrist diagnosed me with “somatization disorder” and prescribed some medication. I had taken this medication for 2 months with no real relief so I stopped taking them. Actually I hated the idea I am mentally ill. I had a very low mood.

Then the next year in my college. It was my 3rd year with only one year left after this one. And my life started to seem like hell. Very bad body aches and pain, depressed mode, anxiety, panic attacks and problems of thinking clearly and making decisions. I was deteriorating very fast. My study was something out of control. I couldn’t handle the stress. Then I saw the psychiatrist again. He diagnosed me with anxiety, panic attacks and depression and gave me some medication again. I had a very high absence rate from my college. I was no longer a good boy! I hardly finished my first semester. My second one was a shame. I got a panic attack in my second exam after doing bad at my first one. I left the exam then I failed the whole year. What a shame!

For the next 2 years and till now. I only managed to pass one year and still have one to pass but it seems impossible. Because of my history and my very high activity period "mania" before I firstly got ill, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder type II. Then mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, anxiolytics, sedatives and ECT. Yeah, Why not?!

After this, I can’t remember very well but somehow I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder again. Antidepressants again. Anxiolytics again. Then OCD, I just wanted everything I was doing to be perfect and I couldn’t accept any average thing. I wanted the best or nothing. Then the derealization period in which I felt I was in a movie where I swim in a void changing colors every day. I was thinking of suicide every single day. I tried it once but it can’t be even called a true try. I had no point to live for. I attended some CBT sessions for about 3 months where the psychiatrist told me that I had borderline personality. Then I didn’t feel good with these sessions so I left it. It was about 4 months ago.

Then life became strange. I felt I didn’t belong here. My mind was really messing with me. I hated architecture. I still hate it. I just can’t accept any normal or average or even good work or design anymore. I just want to be perfect. Ever more than how I had been before I became ill. I have no power to finish my last year in college. I want to leave and drop out. I am thinking about it every moment.

I started to think about another career where I feel no obsession. I looked for many things. I pick one, love it, learn about it and in the end I also hate it. In a very short period of time I made decisions to choose several careers but in the end nothing is done and I hated them also.

Now, my family is pushing me to the limits to finish my college but I can’t bear this anymore. They are very sad for me but I am also not able to make them happy. I feel Like an asshole, a well-qualified asshole. Everybody says I would make a good architect. I don’t feel It. Architecture gives me bad feelings more than I already have. I can’t work with my team in my college and I can’t be frank with them about my illness.

I am back now to one medication, SNRI one. But still no good. Now, I am haunted by borderline personality, depression, anxiety, OCD and derealization. I have control neither over me nor my thinking and decisions. I can no longer think clearly or make any good decision. My mood changes thousand times a day from bad to worse. Very impulsive decisions control my life. I can’t continue my study and college. I am sure I will drop out soon. It’s a decision that I can’t convince my family with. For my family it would be a shame if I dropped out. I am under a lot of pressure and stress. God bless borderline personality disorder! It will kill me someday and somehow. I am afraid that if I dropped out now, I would regret badly in the future. I can't deal with people anymore because of high sensitivity. I feel very bad, very sad and very miserable. I feel mentally abused. I have sometimes consistent periods of drug abuse "sedatives". Sometimes I become a porn addict and masturbate so much in a very unhealthy way. I always need and don't need someone at the same time. I'm an idiot. I never accept help from anyone but I don't know why. I can't even help my self so I'm so helpless. I think it's a progress that I decided to post here and it took so much thinking of me.

I decided to start learning programming as I have a quite good background about it. But I also think that would be a stupid decision made by borderline personality disorder again. I know I would be obsessed with perfection again and my messed up thinking and illness would leave my alone after a while in the middle of the ocean with no land to stand on.

I am now over-sensitive, vulnerable and fragile. I have no goal or point of life and I discovered that I have never had any, by the way! Suicidal thoughts became my only company again. Now, my plan is to drop out of my college, start learning programming. It would be a problem with my family. It may succeed or more likely fail. If failed, I think I would consider suicide as my redemption cause I am now very drained and tired more than any other time. I've never felt like this before.



Oct 18, 2018
Hi there. I'm so sorry to see you're feeling this awful.
I can't help you with your bipolar disorder and those other things, but I'm very familiar with depression and anxiety. What works for me (even though there are times like yesterday when I felt like giving up) is meditation. It may sound stupid to some, but to me it's all about being aligned with your inner feelings and thoughts.

I started meditating when I realized I can't go a trial period of trying another anti-depressant medication that only makes me feel worse. I swear, with every drug I tried, I felt more crazy than I was. I've had many times where I felt like I couldn't go on, and I even dropped out of University. I was paralyzed with fear of telling my folks I've not going to be a lawyer, because in my mind I had spent thousands of their hard earned money, but at one point you have to understand it's your life. You're living it for yourself and no one else.

Even though I felt bad for dropping out of university, I knew what I wanted to do in life. My passion has always been writing - it took me a while to realize that it's something I wish to do as a job not only a hobby. So eversince, the thing that's moving me forward even when I feel like dropping dead is the strong belief that I can mold myself in the way, shape and form that I wish to be. The eternal sadness and despair are still there, as are the occasional anxiety attacks, but they are not me. They are not what define the person who I am.

Your illness is not who you are. If you wish to proceed with programming - I say go with it, however I'd advise you to think back to the things you prefer doing. Playing videogames, reading, running, drawing - whatever. Take this passion and go after it. You want to be the next Van Gogh? What's stopping you? You want to make a video game or make a living playing video games? Do it! In this modern age and time nothing is impossible. :)