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If life gets back to normal, then it never happened

Reach

Reach

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Jan 1, 2014
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Letting myself feel good, be normal, go to the gym, go to work, get back to normal, be okay, that means it didn't happen. I don't know how to live normallly like everyone else, and still have this thing, this disorder and the nightmare experience that came along for the ride. I don't know how to be normal again. I feel like i should work in a special mental health place, and live in a special mental health world, because i am not fit enough for normality, not able to leave my bad days behind. Is there life after suicide attempts, life after deep painful depression, life after wild mania, i don't know if there is life after sectioning, llife after overdose, life after police, life after ambulances, llife after A&E, life after having a psychiatrist, being known to a team, having a CPN, how can life go back to normal again. How can i go back to work with this baggage, this huge huge baggage.
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Sep 29, 2013
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I feel like i should work in a special mental health place, and live in a special mental health world, because i am not fit enough for normality, not able to leave my bad days behind.
That is what happens in Holland you know, there is a graded approach to treatment where after leaving a psych ward you end up going to a low-intensity therapeutic environment which mixes in things like work. Some people stay there for years, living independently or in a supported place, receiving benefits and having their treatment paid for by the government.

But there is life after all that. Time heals a lot of wounds, and journaling and talking about your experiences heals more. On this forum I've revealed and discussed more aspects about my experiences than with anyone else - therapists, family, friends - and it's been really useful just to open up, share, and commiserate with others here.

So I think it's a really good thing you're here, you seem to have your wits about you and some sensitivity in your nature, you'll make it through I think.

Many hugs :hug:
 
Louis Friend

Louis Friend

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Jan 1, 2014
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My own little fantasy world
Letting myself feel good, be normal, go to the gym, go to work, get back to normal, be okay, that means it didn't happen. I don't know how to live normallly like everyone else, and still have this thing, this disorder and the nightmare experience that came along for the ride. I don't know how to be normal again. I feel like i should work in a special mental health place, and live in a special mental health world, because i am not fit enough for normality, not able to leave my bad days behind. Is there life after suicide attempts, life after deep painful depression, life after wild mania, i don't know if there is life after sectioning, llife after overdose, life after police, life after ambulances, llife after A&E, life after having a psychiatrist, being known to a team, having a CPN, how can life go back to normal again. How can i go back to work with this baggage, this huge huge baggage.
i feel the same way everyday of my life. I put on a mask for everyone else too see on the outsidfde world and try and act normal and have a normal life and look at the positive when there is on occasion but after all that has happened im tired of lying to myself and everyone thinkng i can actually do that. I always feel i should do something crazy enough to be locked away in a mental health ward so i can give up and not have to be stuck in a world where i cant get better that im sure will never get better. I know its easier said the done and i always just come back too this train of thought but getting help and putting my mental health first is the only way of surviving. I know that i may never lead a normal life but at least getting help or even just coming on here and talking to people with similar problems makes me feel less alone. Its hard to belive and i dont know if i belive it myself but i keep telling myself things will get better and thats whats helping me survive.

Im sorry you feel that way, I always come here when im having one of my seriously dark days and thats what helps me so i hope eventually you will start to feel better too :)
 
Reach

Reach

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Jan 1, 2014
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Thanks Kerome, i realise that i abruptly left the psychiatrist and probably missed out on their support, i just felt like they were intruding on my life and telling me what to do and i didn't like that. I've basically nursed myself back to this stage, been my own psychologist. I think we naturally know what is best for us, but not being a professional, i have maybe made some errors in not going back to work sooner, or not doing voluntary work a while back, even going med free for a few months, a few bad months. I suppose we all have to make those mistakes whether we have professionals telling us what we should do or not, we have to do it the way that feels right for us. The system in this country certainly doesn't work very well which is a shame for many people. Thank you for the kind words.
 
Reach

Reach

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Thank you Louis, i'm sorry you are going through something similar. It is helping me to write on here and i will keep annoying everyone as long as it helps!
 
BillFish

BillFish

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Sep 12, 2009
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How can i go back to work with this baggage, this huge huge baggage.
+

I don't live that way at all, I take it an hour and day at a time, always thinking ahead a few hours. A wise old boy asked me why I wasn't going for promotion once, I explained because I had too much baggage.He basically said "So what, just go for it, it doesn't matter what happened in the past, you can't change it".

I think he was right, life is too short to keep dwelling on the past, you just have to get the hell on with it. I seriously don't spend my days reliving my past experiences, like some woe is me bard in a play.
 
Reach

Reach

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You are clearly quite far ahead of me Bill in the return to work situation, and i am obviously finding it more difficult than you to get over my experience of mental ill health, but thank you for replying. I think it is important people pull you up on the whole woe is me attitude but i know what i went through and how difficult it was for me, how long lasting, and how hard i am finding it to get back to normal after three years, now that my mood is finally stable enough for long enough, it has been seven weeks i think now, and before i was flinging from high to low to high to low, it was exhausting but the worst part was my behaviour during that time, all the things i did wrong, said wrong, the stupidity of me during that time i am so humiliated by my behaviour and what the psychiatrists and CPNs saw. I feel sick thinking about it and cannot seem to give myself a break over it. I cannot see myself in a sympathetic light very easily as i am naturally very hard on myself and a perfectionist. I hate the thought that i came across as vulnerable or weak. I can try and think that people are not perfect and depression equals weakness, i can try and think they all would surely have seen the strong person underneath the illness, but it is very hard for me.
 
Cazcat

Cazcat

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Hi,

Much as you may want to go back to ' normal' and to the way things were before I don't think this is possible. We can't go back in life but we can go forward. You have been through a very difficult time and it will take time to heal, but you will be able to move forward and rebuild your life. It won't be the same as out was before but it could be just as good or even bettet. The experience you have been through was distressing but I'm sure it has left you with new insights which could become a positive in the future.

Remember that you are not your behaviour. And that the behaviour that happened when you were unwell happened because you were unwell. Would you blame a diabetic for becoming confused and possibly aggressive whilst having a hypo?

Give yourself time and set small goals, 1 step at a time.
 
Z

zusy40

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Sep 27, 2013
Messages
73
Happened for me, I got back to "normal" it is possible

It kind of helped that it all happened when I dropped out of uni, so the only people who knew were family, but you can get there it just takes time like at the start I had a cpn and support worker. Saw cpn every week then two then maybe less, eventually no longer needed a support worker, and discharged from needing a cpn (maybe about three to four yrs to that point). Over the years meds reduced...It is a very gradual and long process but now I just see a pdoc for check ups and I guess I am in "normality" in terms of job etc and I don't tell people I have bipolar
 
megirl

megirl

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Apr 9, 2010
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NZ
Its hard and its a process its taken me a long time and i am still at 37 on that journey things are pretty good having bit of a rough patch atm. I am keeping in touch with the mental health team (though i do think the mental health team in my part of the country are pretty up there)
I do still have urges to self harm but am learning better ask for help before this happens.
This is my life now, its bloody hard and i think in a way its harder as mental illness cant be seen like a physical illness,
If you had cancer, or both your legs amputated, etc it i believe in a way would be easier but again you still have to live with it.
I am medicated pretty well now but stress sadly just sets me off.
Some people get well thats that and back to normal (whatever normal is?)
My support worker who is a registered nurse has worked in a factory on the processing chain for frozen veges not much money but it was doing something and i guess like myself getting confidence back in that work mode.
not everyone is the same but at the moment try set yourself small goals and try live day by day, though that can be hard at times, i just hope you dont beat yourself up about it, you do need to take care.
xx
 
Reach

Reach

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Jan 1, 2014
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Thank you Cazcat, you are right, i can only go from here. I just feel as though i lost some years, but i suppose alot of stuff went on, alot of experience and change in the person i am i hope for the better, i think for the better. Small steps are definitely the way to go. I went to work this morning in my old social work job and did okay, i survived anyway and didn't stuff up too badly. There was a piece of work i felt i couldn't do so i kind of skipped over it and hope nobody notices. Those little things scare me as it threw me for a half hour before i realised i could wriggle out of doing that particular thing. Going into work this morning instead of to my pottery class was a last minute change and i managed it and feel good for having done it. Every work day is another small step back to full functioning. I might never get to full functioning but i hope to get somewhere close.
 
Reach

Reach

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Jan 1, 2014
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Thanks megirl, sorry you are going through a rough patch. I'm hopeful that i'm coming out of mine. They still happen even when well medicated don't they. So far my med reduction is going okay and it has been almost a week. That's good to hear about your nurse doing a different job for a while. The more i talk to people, like this morning at work, the more i can see that so many stop doing their professional work and do something more like cleaning or working in a shop, for a while or completely change to it. I think nursing, social work etc. are all quite challenging and many of us take a step back at some point in our career because it is hard going. I've been a social worker for 12 years so i think i gave it a good go. I hope to return part time. Can you ever see yourself doing another type of nursing, a less stressful type part time and cleaning part time? There is no hurry though and 37 is young. I'm also 37 by the way.
 
Cazcat

Cazcat

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Hi Reach,

Glad to hear that you are managing to get back to work again. I'm sure your manager and colleagues wouldn't mind showing you how to do things if you are not sure. They must know that you haven't been at work for a while so should understand that there will be things you are not sure about. Personally I would much rather spend a little time showing someone how to do something so they know for the future than spending time trying to unpick problems where things have been done wrong or not done. And I'm sure you would feel better too.

Its great that you are able to take forward some positives from what has been an unpleasant experience too. I read a quote once but can't remember who it's by. "without rain life would be a desert"
 
krista

krista

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Aug 13, 2013
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London
It is so difficult to return to 'normal' life. I struggle every day and every day I think that I'll never fully be a part of 'normality'. I watch other people at work and admire them for they manage and make it look doable. Some days I sit at my desk and stare at spreadsheets for an hour. Just stare at the lines that part the numbers.

My last pdoc asked me what I mean when I say 'normal'. She was trying to point out that the concept is just in my head. It made me think for a bit.

Take care! Hugs xxxx
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Well I know what you're going through. I'm still on the way myself, working a few days a week at this centre is my first experience of being back after more than two years out, and it's quite hard. Motivating yourself to get out in the mornings, not being home until after it is dark again, concentrating on work jobs for pretty much the whole day. Not easy to start all of that again when you've not been well.

But I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, slowly getting through the hard moments where you have to make adjustments, and getting used to the other stuff again. You end up rediscovering yourself, some areas where you used to be strong you may find you are now uncertain. It takes time, and it helps if you can be compassionate towards yourself.
 
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