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If i was a dog theyd put me down.TORTURE

Lolli_Liability

Lolli_Liability

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 3, 2009
Messages
824
Location
solihull
Hii there my beautiful little mental health world, its lauren and im here for the evening for now anyway. i need this place tonight. I really need this place. I am aware that most of you probably know that im completely lost in the world right now and no i don’t want to be in this world. My darling angel caly, she told you why im not really here to much right now. I asked her to and ill be eternally thankful for the love and support this lady gives me every damn time i fall into a thousand pieces.

Im sick , my bodies finally giving up with my mind, but world don’t pity me or feel sorry for me its all my own fault , its what i deserve. You see the thing is i cannot eat. I no longer have the ability to stomach meals or food its a phobia of mine. Ive had one or two mouthfuls since being admitted but finding the ability to actually it food kills me. The voices kill me.

However I’m off track , im so struggle to rite in a coherent way that the world can comprehend. Forgive me, i was admitted into hospital because i was severely anaemic, horrendously thin as i wouldn’t eat and really rather poorly. I was wrapped in agony , which i still struggle with from time to time although on alot of pain relief.. sometimes i wish it was more mayb then itd kill me . II was dehydrated malnourished . They kept telling me i was dying they still continuously try to tell me their saving my life, but they don’t get it i don’t want this dam life i wish someone would listen to me. Im crying out but not for help anymore i don’t want help i want to die. I want to sleep forever.

So it started cause i was admitted into icu because id collapsed many times and my body was shutting down, i was only in there for a short while and things got back on track. I have been moved to a unit more specific to eating disorders however i still have to have alot of treatment i have been disgnosed with heart failure, so im often tired and weak , sometime i struggle to breathe properly and i feel like i should be about 89 but im on meds for my heart - still to early however to know if the damage is perminant and i have osteoporosis. These conditions i still don’t know how things will pan out with them. But if im honest im not to interested these days. I just want to go now, i want to close my eyes and fall into a haven of warmth and serenity, someone that im protected, loved and shelterd from myself. Somewhere the demons cannot get in and where i am kept safe.

I feel like a caged animal in this place, i miss being able to SH so bad , i miss having the option to not eat if i don’t want to , I hate having a feeding tube in i really really hate it . Please tell me why the world thinks its their right to tell me when and what to eat and what to do with my life. Its not fair it really isn’t. Tell me how its fair that when you fancy a chocolate bar or a milkshake its okay that you go and have one ? but its not okay that when i don’t want food i cant eat it ? This worlds a fucking mess and its taking it out on me its not fair.

In this dam unit , i hate it, i don’t want to be here i want to be home , i haven’t been home in a month i really miss it. I don’t even have the ability to run , i still struggle with alot of pain , and i have a tendency to collapse these days. Theyve got a grip on my anemia though i had to have blood transfused. They make me do group sessions and bloody family sessions , i love my family, well i used to love my family i just don’t know how to love anyone anymore. Im cold im really cold my hearts cold. I don’t feel what i used to , i sit on my own when i can and i talk to the demons they don’t often reply anymore as im on that many drugs i sometimes even struggle to talk and to move and even think.

Its dark where i am and it scares me i hate this place. Im scared of myself, my head spins sometimes its just an empty spinning but i feel like my minds doing summeraults. I cannot stop it, i plod around the unit although i don’t want to talk to people and i don’t want to be anyones friend, i cant smoke, its just making it worse for me so ive eased of but my god id love a fag and a coffee , but they say itll just kill me but they don’t get that i don’t care. Im attached to a ng tube for my nutrition and they give me slots n the day where they try get me to eat but i cant my stomach hurts alot of the time, well my body hurts alot of the time.

Sometimes i don’t ever want to move, becase the drugs get me so drowsy , somedays i cannt because i hurt my inside my body everything hurts aches and just tares me apart. Sometimes even the energy to breathe these days is enough.
Im 20 years of age and this is all i have to show for my life, for fuck sake someone let it end now let me go. Noone gets it i want out, i really really want out.

put it this way ..
I would commit suicide if I had the actual means to

someone put me down already.
 
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Dottyone

Guest
:cry: I dont know what to write but I want to write Lolli, I so wish I could make you see life is worth hanging on for, I know thats not what you want right now, I just hope you do get better and recover, your still super young you have a chance of some good recovery.

I want to read your posts in 12 months lolli, please be strong. :hug: please
 
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Lolli_Liability

Lolli_Liability

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 3, 2009
Messages
824
Location
solihull
My god the thought of another 12months its awful.
But thank-you for just taking the time to reply.
Im lonely in here tonight
 
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Dottyone

Guest
My god the thought of another 12months its awful.
But thank-you for just taking the time to reply.
Im lonely in here tonight
Your welcome Lolli, you will get out of their you know.

Wish I was their I would give you a proper hug. :hug1:
 
Lolli_Liability

Lolli_Liability

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 3, 2009
Messages
824
Location
solihull
The thing i find hardest here is that every now an then i have these odd moments where i break down and just want to be held, for me to feel another persons warmth
I dont want to talk i just want to be loved.

When that feelings occasionally not often occcurs , its a dam dam dark sad existance when noone can hold me.
 
Lolli_Liability

Lolli_Liability

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 3, 2009
Messages
824
Location
solihull
God must give me this torture cause i diserve it then.
 
*autumn*

*autumn*

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 1, 2014
Messages
3,652
Location
here
(((((((((((((((((lolli))))))))))))))))) sending you the biggest hug. Hope your heart gets stronger :hug:
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
52,517
Location
Lancashire
Lolli, as I said in the PM, I have doubts that this is an eating disorder. I think you are in profound depression. They aren't going to let you die honey, and they know, as we all do, that you will be really glad one day. But right now honey, give up fighting the help and just take in a little nourishment. Not eating drives the despair deeper. Just do it honey, we all think of you as a wonderful young woman. I wish you could hear us.
 
dubblemonkey

dubblemonkey

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
1,000
Location
australia
first of all things!

"you are most lovable"

...this must be the most comprehensive example of human dis-comfort that I have ever had the privilege to read and experience!

...now?.. it's not something to be taken lightly.

your expression is so pervasive and so well understood by someone likewise.

....I have experienced some seriously damaging events that only I was there to notice.

and sometimes it went on for longer than I could remember exactly why I tried to check out!...

it sure looks real bad for you... and I really believe you!...

your upset-ness is well justified...

and unlike the living!...

we that get upset too much too often before we ever had a chance to do anything else?

what I understand from your post is that your strengths are most brilliant compared to your weaknesses...

and everybody is weak...

and not many of us are strong despite the agony

but you clearly are...

and I look forward to hearing from you on this forum really soon ok?

much lv dubblemonkey
 
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Dottyone

Guest
Good Morning Lolli I hope your fighting your corner, keep posting wont you.

Morning Hugz :hug1: xxxxxxxxxxx
 
dubblemonkey

dubblemonkey

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
1,000
Location
australia
please let us know that...and?...if!

that you are ok...

everyone here would like to listen to you even if you feel that you cannot speak!

any sign of life is better than every sign of death...

love, dm

...it's obvious that you are suffering like a 'dog'... as your expression indicates...

...and?...

I intend to be proven otherwise!... which is impossible...because?

you are a gorgeous ...PUPPY...xo
 
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Verity

Guest
These feelings will pass. You are strong and can get past this distressing time & feelings. Take small steps towards your recovery & be kind to yourself :hug1:
 
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