If I rest, if I think inward, I go mad.

[Brimble]

What is it that makes this awful feeling of nothingness pervade each waking hour? I feel a deep sense of doom. I can’t think straight and any thoughts I do have seem irrational and confused. I am losing the power of speech, I open my mouth but the words won’t come out. It feels like there is an internal fight raging. When I stop to think I hear myself screaming, feelings of self-loathing now shape every day.

I am so angry with myself, can’t even look in the mirror most of the time. I’ve never self-harmed but feel like chopping my own head off. I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the world, attempting to cope at work but sick with fear. I panic and think the world is crashing down around me- why do I allow myself to plunge into this hysterical despair? I am trying to “interact” socially but am so terrified. I am literally sick during a panic attack and can't go on like this much longer.

Event after event has weighed on me over the past 7 years and I’ve just kept going – hoping – trying. Others cope so why not me? Why am I such a wretched mess? This forum is the only place to ask such questions.

Even now I have trouble writing (something I usually do quite well) – my thoughts are jumbled and I can’t make sense of anything. I don’t hear voices thank God – I don’t have visions but I know something is very wrong with me.

Mentally I can go no further today and am afraid of what this evening, tomorrow, next week and next month will bring. Can't think of a year of it.



“If I rest, if I think inward, I go mad”
Sylvia Plath

 

[rwitty]

I dont know about you but I feel worse when I have nothing to do. Take today for example. I've worked a night shift and have nothing to do. I joined this forum in te hopes of finding out I wasn't alone.

Why are you angry with yourself?

It's not always easy for people to cope with what life throws at you. Sometimes we just don't know how. I wouldn't say you were a "wretched mess". I'd say you're a person who's struggling right now but that will get out the other end at some time in the future. WE all feel like this from time to time. I wish I could give you a cure all and tell you how to make yourself feel better but if I knew that, I'd be a rich woman right!?

The best thing is that you are here and talking about it and not keeping it inside.

 

[nickh]

Very sorry to hear that you are in such a bad place at the moment Brimble - you do manage an immensely powerful description of how you are feeling and the misery of it however. It is difficult to offer any advice because anything one says is likely to sound like a platitude. I can only say that my own experience is that every individual has to take their own path to finding the right 'coping strategy' for them and that path may be a long one. Even when it has been taken there is still for many people (well me certainly) an ever-present danger of relapse, often when least expected. But you do need help with the path - of that I am convinced. Finding the right help - whether that be medication, talking therapy or one's own individual 'solution' (and most likely a mixture of the three) - is the key.

Nick.

 

[elpi111]

That's a really powerful evocation of what it's like for many of us. I agree with others that we all do find, or try to find out own path. Part of it for me is, very slowly, learning to feel what I am feeling without judging myself for it. If anger is a secondary emotion, there is something behind it: fear, sadness, frustration...trying to sit with that and just accepting it. Seeing it for what it may be can be illuminating. But no, no one has THE answer...

I kept going and going and going for years when I knew, deep down, that I should have changed my life but fear stopped me. Fear and frustration turned inwards and...everything shattered. Talk and share and be as much 'in the moment' as you can. These can all help. You don't have to think beyond today. Do one nice thing for you today...

 

[Brimble]

Thanks!

Thank you all for your kind words. I certainly feel better and this forum allows a bit of self-expression thus enabling us to cope.

I've got back into my studies (Social Policy although my heart is still in Eng lit) and so doing steers me clear of too much introspection. Channelling powerful thoughts and emotions into study really helps. It is a discipline.

Studying the struggles of folks in the face of oppression - 1940s/1950s racial segregation in the USA and South Africa - makes you wonder what on earth you are depressed about. Maybe I am an intense person by nature and need something to sink my teeth into to avert negative thought patterns.

The human spirit will overcome - even depression can be countered with moral support and solidarity, finding responses to my "moan" really helps.

Thanks once again. Next time I visit I will try to steer away from my own depression and look at/discuss more positive ways of understanding the condition for all of us! Being too self absorbed is something I try to avoid.

Brim xx

 

[jaybe]

Thank you all for your kind words. I certainly feel better and this forum allows a bit of self-expression thus enabling us to cope.

I've got back into my studies (Social Policy although my heart is still in Eng lit) and so doing steers me clear of too much introspection. Channelling powerful thoughts and emotions into study really helps. It is a discipline.

Studying the struggles of folks in the face of oppression - 1940s/1950s racial segregation in the USA and South Africa - makes you wonder what on earth you are depressed about. Maybe I am an intense person by nature and need something to sink my teeth into to avert negative thought patterns.

The human spirit will overcome - even depression can be countered with moral support and solidarity, finding responses to my "moan" really helps.

Thanks once again. Next time I visit I will try to steer away from my own depression and look at/discuss more positive ways of understanding the condition for all of us! Being too self absorbed is something I try to avoid.

Brim xx

hi there i have just joined today and i can relate to everything you have written . my trouble is as much as i try to explain to my doctor i get more frustrated with myself because she dosn't understand . iam lucky in a way as i tried slashing my wrists again a month or two ago but was determined this time but made mistake of phoning ex wife who called 999 as i had used a stanley blade ( brand new ) and taken 6 diazepam so was slowly falling asleep bleeding profusly , and wife kept me talking on the phone to keep me awake and before i knew it my door was opened and in came the police and ambulance crew . the police took away my blades i had & and i had stick on stitches and taken to A & E and admitted . the bit i feel so annoyed about is that i had forgot i had told my relatives my keysafe no and they went into my place ( i live on my own ) and was greeted by loads of blood all round bungalow . well they contacted hospital and found out i was admmited and what ward i was on and contacted my mother who phoned the ward . but i was still drowsey from OD to speak . well was released next day after seeing pyscatrist and sent home well i took photo's of what i did to myself and now when i feel low i look at my photos and think of the people i would hurt and it helps but i have lost all interest in doing anything and sometimes don't even want to get up . the bills have gone out of my control and i don't like answering phone or open door so when i get up i take my meds and try to find something to do which i find hard as i need money to do such things and i don't have it so it's a vicious circle but iam getting there and hope this site helps me too .

 

[nickh]

jaybe I hope the site helps too but you need more help than that . What sort of help are you getting?

Nick.

 

[jaybe]

hi nick iam just under the doctor at the moment , but i think she is refering me to the mhs . i was under counciling with drug & alcohol but i have stopped seeing her as i do not drink anymore and it's been an uphill struggle but iam a stronger person due to the people like yourself that talks with me and friends i have met on my biker sites who have had similar problems i have a strong family that is keeping a close eye on me and helping me the best they can as they knew that i would struggle being on my own , as i have always lived with partners since i was 17yrs old and now iam 44 just comming . i have given up the drugs so to speak ( just puff now ) as i use to do lots of lsd and E's mushrooms coke speed + i was on 10 cans of tennants super / special brew a day but nothing harder than that as the hard stuff never interested me . i was told that i have come along really well . i have 1 tin a week and a spliff if theres one going which is hardly ever now .

 

[nickh]

That is all good jaybe. Your GP should be referring you to the mhs and hopefully they will be helpful.

But it is brilliant that you have kicked the self-medication/drink n drugs. I am afraid that drink/drugs and Mental Health just don't mix. I don't attack them out of any moral/social concerns but simply cos my own experience and everything I have read convinces me they are really bad for people with MH issues. Not that I ever tried lsd or e's but I should think they are at least as bad as coke/crack/drink which I have. Anyway I think your achievement in getting off them is fantastic .

Nick.

 

[elpi111]

jaybe, it's amazing what you have managed to achieve and how far you must have come. In doing so you have shown how things do change, how things can change. I think that sometimes when in the middle of depression it's difficult to think that anything can change, that this way of being/thinking/feeling isn't all there is but...it isn't! Hope thie nhs respond asap. Even though therapy for alcohol/drugs is off the agenda I imagine a talking therapy would still be beneficial.

(Dunno bout anyone else but I can't drink more than a glass of wine or beer before feeling really woozy! Dunno if it's getting on a bit (!) or just 'youthful' antics catching up with me or the whole chemical thing in the brain!!!)

Good luck jaybe...look forward to hearing how it goes for you...

 

[jaybe]

well as i say i have not completly given up the booze just a tin every now and then just seems to still be a habit buy things and oh better get a tin . but yes iam the same now one tin and i feel a bit wobbly . the hardest thing for me is as iam in bike club we meet at pubs and i find it hard to not have more than one beer , so i have two which is to many . so iam still not quite over the drink but iam improving , as for drugs i still like a smoke but nothing else as i have high bloodpressure and if i have anything else it feels like iam gonna have a heart attack so i tend not too now . thing also is i come out my shell a bit better if i have had a drink as i go very quiet but seeing other people pissed makes me think god i use to be like that and that helps too . as i say i live on my own with my pet cat for company and i find it lonely as no one to talk to except the cat but she just looks at me mind you with the anti depressants (venlafaxine ) i find i just don't get the urge to want sex anymore which is horrid as i loved my sex life , it must be on the same part of the brain as depression i guess and my whole personality has changed to becoming a very quiet person instead of one of the lads .