• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

If I can help anyone, please contact me...

K

KatieJane

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2010
Messages
12
Location
Yorkshire
Hi there,

My name's Katie, I'm 22 and, if I'm honest, I have quite a few issues! According to the last medical certificate I read, they are: Borderline Personality Disorder; Generalised Anxiety Disorder; Social Anxiety Disorder; Agoraphobia; Depression. Some I'm dealing with well, some I've overcome and others are getting the better of me. One thing I have learned is that it really helps knowing that other people are going through or have been through the same things as you. It's good to talk to others who have had similar experiences, who can talk openly and honestly about the problems and thoughts and feelings you have or have had. That's why I would like to offer for anyone who is finding things hard at the moment to message me, and I'll be here to listen and help, if I can. If my story strikes a chord with anyone, please get in touch.

I've always had issues with my mental health. I was the stereotypical troubled teenager, in with the wrong crowd, drinking and taking drugs, getting into a whole load of inappropriate relationships, and showing little regard for my own safety and well-being. I took an overdose at fourteen, for which I found it very hard to give a reason. With hindsight, I can only remember thinking that it would be a good way to get out of school the next day. I don't think I had any intention of actually killing myself, it was more that I wasn't too bothered if I did. Of course, this behaviour led to a course of psychotherapy and a bit of intervention by the Child Welfare officers, but it was generally assumed at the time that it was just teen problems and that I would be fine.
I remained very out of control for the rest of my teen years. I was sexually assaulted more than once between the ages of fourteen and seventeen, which due to my attributing to the fact that I was always blind drunk, I never reported, simply accepted. These assaults had little effect on me at the time, except to make me behave in an even more promiscuous fashion. At seventeen I hit a bit of a turning point, albeit briefly, when I met a boy who I thought was worth sticking with. However, my drinking was still out of control and I treated him badly, cheating on him, arguing with him and not really giving him much reason to stick around. I was also kicked out of college. During this time, tensions between me and my mother hit breaking point, and I was sent to live with my aunt. This meant working to pay my rent by caring for her five children. The responsibility meant I had to do a lot of growing up, and the distance between me and my 'friends' meant I was unable to behave badly, even if I'd wanted to. I stayed there a year, and during this time became a lot more introverted, because without that circle of friends and without the drinking and drugs, there was very little left of me. As a result, I didn't make new friends while living there, and only left the house when doing the school run or popping to the shops.
I returned back home to finish college a few months after my eighteenth birthday, and for a while, things were good. I forgot a good deal of my previous problems and started to get back on track. I got back the boy I loved, and we set up home together. I finished my A-Levels with good results, and even got a job with the local police force. I still had a few problems, such as my lack of control over my temper (I get it from my dad, it's one of my worst character traits and sadly I don't think it's one that can be fixed, being genetic and all!) but I was a hell of a lot better, and felt like I was actually getting through and putting the past behind me.
Things took a massive turn for the worse, however, when I was badly assaulted while at work. It really shook my confidence and made me feel very uncomfortable about the work that I did, and also about my day-to-day life. I began having days where I simply couldn't leave the house, or even get up off the sofa. I found myself in a state of hysteria over tiny little things, becoming highly insecure and paranoid about everything that happened, and arguing constantly with my partner and with my family. I also began to feel unable to be alone in the house at any point, and so I went to see my doctor. At this point, I was diagnosed with having a borderline personality disorder. I was told that, with hindsight, this had clearly been the issue that lay behind my troubled teenage years, but this had not been picked up on at the time. Though relieved to know I wasn't simply going mad, having this diagnosis caused me no end of trouble at work, and my life became a series of meetings and hearings on whether I was fit for duty. The stress of all this, of course, only served to exacerbate my problems, and so I fopund myself signed off work for six months by the doctor, with stress, depression and anxiety disorder. At this point, I was put onto Fluoxetine.
By the time I returned to work, I was a complete mess. I was unable to leave the office, and so was essentially useless at work. I was fired last year on the grounds of being unfit for work. (A seperate issue: I am currently going through a tribunal process because I believe a policy of redeployment should have applied, anyone else lost their job/ been through anything similar? Please contact me)
Since then, I have gone downhill in terms of getting out and about. I have become unable to get to the doctor's surgery, and so am no longer on any medication. My partner cracked under the strain of caring for me and is no longer with me, although the support he offers is invaluable, and when he leaves for uni I will be very, very alone. I occasionally make it out, when it is very important, but this is only due to my being prescribed Diazepam for situations where going out is unavoidable, and so doesn't really feel like progress at all. I have, however, done a pretty good job of getting the whole personality disorder thing under control: I'm still pretty bad, but I'm far more rational than I ever was. And I'm a lot more able to answer the front door and to answer the phone, provided I know who the caller is, which is also a big step forward. It's just the getting out part which is my biggest battle now. Well, that and the depression, which I think will always come and go, but I just have to accept.
It probably sounds like I'm complaining here, but I'm not. Life hands you certain things, and you deal with them. Some just find it harder to deal with their lot than others, that's all. I just wanted to let anyone out there who feels like I do, or have, and thinks they are alone, know that they are not, and that I am happy to chat to anyone who feels it might help.
I apologise, too. I know I've gone on a bit!
K
 
B

bobfarr

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Joined
Mar 17, 2012
Messages
58
Location
Canada BC
having hard time tiring my best not to cause any issues. I want your help on something. In the past i had a friend who was being abused by her parents. she became mental ill at the same time i was being abused as well but i felt obligated to help her causing me to have regrets such as what if i just said...you have a lot going on. Don't you fear saying the wrong thing?
 
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piglet

piglet

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Sep 9, 2010
Messages
4,356
Location
Merseyside
Hiya hun and welcome to the forum :)

Sounds like you've been through quite a lot and some things that I can relate to. It's great that you feel you are coping better now and that things have improved somewhat.

Take care.
 
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bobfarr

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Joined
Mar 17, 2012
Messages
58
Location
Canada BC
Things are hard it helps writing on here and reading what others have done to cope. I went through treatment and i been resantly told i have brain damage. I hit a bus and a car with my bike with in one month of each other. My whole life i been called stupid and retard and now i need to accept this as being me. Its hard. Some people get mad at others my dad use to do that so instead i trun it inward and i blame my self for everything. I call my self down more then any one. I think inside I think if i blame my self it will not be so bad when i hear it from others. and it works but beating up on my self is basically what causes my depression anyone with depression knows this.

Which leads me to another question for Katie. I dont understand how she does not beat her self up for having so much going on in her life unless she does. I could only speculate that she does. If that's the case how do you deal with it Katie?
 
Boris

Boris

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Joined
Jul 20, 2010
Messages
1,325
Location
UK
Things took a massive turn for the worse, however, when I was badly assaulted while at work
Seems to me this was the route cause of most of your problems... I know someone who also turned to drugs and alcohol for mixing socially. It really does have some adverse affects, and I believe from what that person has told me, due to the nature of its side affects it`s hard to find yourself socialising, as you are so far out of it, and are mentally mixed up for sometime afterwards (maybe you can relate to what I`m saying).
Maybe you did have a PD, or maybe it was a mis-diagnosis, I don`t know... what I do know from what you have written is that your main problems started after that assault, something you should have had help, and support with at the time. I believe it`s still not too late, but if procedures weren`t followed at the time, you may well have grounds for complaint/compensation, and also a line of defence for your appeal etc...
 
K

KatieJane

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2010
Messages
12
Location
Yorkshire
having hard time tiring my best not to cause any issues. I want your help on something. In the past i had a friend who was being abused by her parents. she became mental ill at the same time i was being abused as well but i felt obligated to help her causing me to have regrets such as what if i just said...you have a lot going on. Don't you fear saying the wrong thing?
I know what you mean about it being hard to know if you've said the wrong thing or being afraid to put your point across. And it's always really hard to help a friend, even more so if you have you're own issues and problems.

Abuse is often a key factor in mental health problems, because it affects a person's sense of wellbeing and importance, especially when the abuse is from a loved one or someone very close. I'm sorry to hear that you are having a hard time, and I really do hope that you are able to seek help for your own experiences - NOBODY should ever suffer abuse in any shape or form. You don't say if you have sought help regarding your own situation - please don't suffer in silence, make sure you speak to someone.

With regard to your friend, you should never feel 'obligated' to help. If being there for her is causing difficulties for you, either by bringing up issues you have experienced or just because it is putting a strain on your own health and wellbeing, then let her know that although you are there for her, it might be wise for her to seek some professional help, because they really do know what they are talking about and there are many things available that could help her.

I would like to talk to you more about this, please feel free to send me a direct message if you would like to chat in more detail about the issues you or your friend are experiencing - I am always happy to listen, and although not a mental health professional, I am happy to share my own experiences in the hope that it will help people going through similar things.
 
K

KatieJane

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2010
Messages
12
Location
Yorkshire
Thank you, and a million apologies for that thank you not coming for so long. You know when you sign up to something and then promptly lose the password...? It's nice to know that this network is still used though and that it's members are here - after all, just about every person will experience some kind of mental health issue at some point in their lives, and knowing that other people are having or have had similar experiences, and talking about it, makes things a lot easier :)
 
K

KatieJane

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2010
Messages
12
Location
Yorkshire
You could be right, to an extent. I don't believe the 'mis-diagnosis' applies, but I also think that the distinctions between various conditions are difficult to clarify, and the lines are a bit blurred - conditions often run into each other and so the wrong label can often be applied, but for the right reasons.
 
aleshadxcherylc

aleshadxcherylc

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 21, 2012
Messages
2,193
Location
Sandhurst, Berkshire
Hi Katie
Welcome to the foroum well done for posting
We are nearly similar we both have the same name! you are 22 and im 21!
So sorry to hear of your struggles but its good to know you have sorted a couple of things sorry i cant say much as im really struggling myself im very suicidial at the moment.
You have nothing to aplogise for this is what this foroum is for
Take care keep strong and keep talking
Katie
xx
 
K

KatieJane

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2010
Messages
12
Location
Yorkshire
Hi Bobfarr,
Good question! I did, for a long time, feel very down about the state of affairs I experienced. I did blame myself for the position I found myself in, for the state of my relationship, my career and my own inability to get out and about and just 'be normal'. It's a vicious circle, depression, because you feel down, then you feel down about feeling down, and the whole thing spirals. Even now, I have times where I think, 'why did I ever let myself get like that? It's clearly my own fault', which does make me unhappy and does make me very angry with myself. But the more time passes and the more I come to terms with a.) the conditions I have been fighting, b.) the person who I am and c.) the events that have led to where I am now, the more I realise that anger, either at myself or other people, gets me nowhere except back in that despair spiral.But positivity, cheesey though it sounds, has been my saving grace and has pulled me through.
Acceptance is almost the hardest part - it's horrible to feel that everyone else is 'nromal' and you are the odd one out. It's even more horrible when some of the unkind people in this world feel it necessary to point out any differences or issues you may have and use those things to hurt you. Because, at the end of the day, everyone is different and that's what is so great about us. We all have quirks and differences, and I doubt there is a single person out there who hasn't felt that they are 'different' and 'abnormal' for one reason or another. I like your phrase above: "I need to accept this as being me." But I see this positivly, and worry that the way you meant it is more a negative statement. You ARE you, and the things that make you that person, the difficulties you face and the strength you show in not only realising acceptance is necessary, but in sharing your story with us all, show me a bit about the person you are. We all have days where the acceptance part is the hard part, but please focus on the great things that do make you YOU. :D The handful of people who feel it is ok to be negative, they are categorically wrong, please know that. The problem with depression (sorry, ONE of the problems with depression...) is that it makes us cling to the negative comments we hear and brush away the positive ones. Override them, ignorance makes people critical, but love makes them positive, so focus on those loving comments you get and let them carry you through the hard days. I know just how hard that is, but the more you talk to people who are there for you, the more you open up and enjoy the company of decent people who won't say those terrible things to you, the more you will start to realise how much you have going for you.

Please feel free to mesage me if you ever want to chat about anything. I really do believe that talking helps, and I especially found myself that talking to strangers helped, because I was always worried about what people who knew me would think if I ever told them the things I was worrying about, or felt that they would just brush my comments away. I'm always happy to listen if you think it would help to just chat a bit.
 
K

KatieJane

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2010
Messages
12
Location
Yorkshire
Hi Katie...that's an ace name, by the way... ;) ,
Please don't suffer alone if you are feeling that low, make sure you talk about it. I've been there so many times, and I am so grateful now that I pulled through my own experiences because, although it's a stupid cliche that I hate using, things can and do get better. They really, honestly do. And it's bloody hard work, I won't lie, and it never really goes away as such, but there's so many things that can make those long days seem a little more bearable, and I think it's really important to talk through anything you feel, even if it's just to get the words out there, to let someone know what's going through your head at that time. The fact that you feel as bad as you do, and yet you still took the times to offer me some kind words of comfort... That shows me just what a great person you are - seriously. I know it's so hard when depression's grip gets you, but you really must try and focus on the things that you know make you awesome. Like, the fact that you show a lot of care for others even at times when you are struggling so much with your own issues. Please feel free to chat to me any time, yeah? xx
 
aleshadxcherylc

aleshadxcherylc

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Joined
Feb 21, 2012
Messages
2,193
Location
Sandhurst, Berkshire
ive been emailing the samritians since december 2011.
Ive just lost a CBT therapist i connected with for the first 3 years in the mh system i only had her for 11 weeks and i was meant to have her for 20,she meant a lot to me a month on im still struggling i cant get better without her she was the therapsit for me and it was all my fault. im auststic and i struggle to conenct with therapists
Anyway its a long stroy, and i feel awful you talking to me and your new and youve written a long post and i havent said anything.
Im not worth your time
xxx
 
K

KatieJane

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2010
Messages
12
Location
Yorkshire
ive been emailing the samritians since december 2011.
Ive just lost a CBT therapist i connected with for the first 3 years in the mh system i only had her for 11 weeks and i was meant to have her for 20,she meant a lot to me a month on im still struggling i cant get better without her she was the therapsit for me and it was all my fault. im auststic and i struggle to conenct with therapists
Anyway its a long stroy, and i feel awful you talking to me and your new and youve written a long post and i havent said anything.
Im not worth your time
xxx
Firstly - of course you are worth my time. Anyone who isn't nasty and horrible is worth my time, and you're not either of those things from what I can tell so far.

I am new here, but my post is from a little while back. I posted it, and then lost the password for here. I only got back in because people had posted here and I got an email telling me about it, and was reminded. And I came back because although I'm doing well now, I can't guarantee that'll always be the case, and also because I really want to be here to chat to people who are still struggling, who do just need someone to listen.

I shared my story in the hope that it would reach people. Even just one person. And it's been seen by you, so that clearly worked. I understand the difficulties you must experience in connecting with people - it was hard enough to me, and autism only makes that connection harder to get. I have every sympathy for that, and understand you are probably angry, and feeling isolated and cut off, and feeling that you had your chance at help and then it went. I've been there, at least - losing that point of support is tough. Please don't let it be the undoing of the good things you took from working with her though - those eleven weeks meant a lot to you and were clearly helping, so please take that as a building block - the old adage of focusing on the positives - and make that connection you had matter by putting it to good use. It's frustrating when setbacks occur, but they don't have to be a dead end for you. The fact that you did feel better with her shows that the potential for feeling better now, too. Please don't see this post as empty words - I do appreciate just how bad you must feel right now and that it's so hard to see anything but the sadness when it hits - because I really do mean it when I say that you sound like you have a lot of positive things going for you and you sound like a lovely person to know, and the depression that has a hold of you is not who you are, just what you deal with.
Please message back if you feel able to, I'd like to hear more from you. I understand if you don't feel like sharing, but I'll be hoping that you do, anyway xx
 
aleshadxcherylc

aleshadxcherylc

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 21, 2012
Messages
2,193
Location
Sandhurst, Berkshire
Thank you so much it means a lot to me it really does.
The thing is what frustrates me is because ive battled through the system moving from this therapy to that therapy then eventually after 3 years finding someone i instantly connected with and now its gone and i cant change it, too much happened for it to go right in the first place l'll keep this short i just knew if i had another chance with her now i would be on the road to recovery!. but they will never ever let that happen now will they?! ive tried getting her back but they wont let me.

Anyway firstly the therapist i orignally saw i had for 2 weeks she went off sick then they left me for 8 weeks with no-one, they were constantly ringing me up every week saying shes coming back next week then she didnt, then they found me the new one who i connected with who was about 24/25 aand im 21 which i think also helped i started with her it was positive then 3 weeks in my grandad passed away, then 4 weeks after that my GP decided to decrease evryone who was on the 60mg of citolpram down to 40mg because of the problems with the medication and the risks i dont know anyway, i was stupid and didnt know how to decrease so i went down staright from 60mg to 40mg so obviosuly i had a breakdown, i found out that i had 10 weeks on the internet as i didnt know CBT was time limited i panicked i was going to lose her and then i eventually did anyway i dont think it was her descion as she was a trainee but i got quite attatched to her in a therapist and a look up to her as a big sister almost.
I was always on edge the whole time as i was thinking if my old therapist comes back and they take her away from me what do i do so i constantly had that in the back of my mind the whole time!.

I really brokedown and freaked out on the last session that was a long story too.

They are now moving me onto psycotherapy which wont help as ive looked on their website and the stuff that they say will help with is nothing to do with me, i had the right therapy the right therapist wrong timing!. they will never put me back with her but its the only thing that will get me better, i know 70% of the work has to come from within me but even if it takes months or years to get her back doing the CBT with her again with a fresh mind with nothing going on would help me i know it would as then i wouldnt be concetrating on making a connection for 11 weeks and being able to concentrate on the therapy.

The thing which frustrates me is that she went on holiday for 3 weeks i said to myself right when shes comes back right yes i have got 10 weeks left with her but lets make the most of it then she said this is the last session and that was it, she said we were going to from now on have half an hour sessions and i thought she meant for the rest of the 8 weeks but she meant just for that week so obviosuly i didnt listen as i struggle with that with my autism as well. shre would explain things in different ways if i didnt understand them she would wait and let me think before i answered and knew if i didnt answer instantly i was thinking not ingoring her she was amazing with my panic attacks sitting by me helping me breathe she was trainee she did bloody well!!.

She knew i had autism and she was the only therapist to deal with it really well none of this is her fault as she handled the situation it was the people up above her! but i do think was she in on the fact of me leaving the whole thing is unsettling and she probably said to her people she didnt want to deal with me anymore and she hated me and she thought i was a freak and i made her feel awkward etc.
just wish i hadnt reacted to the situations then i would have got better and wouldnt be here now.
due to the loss of her im not eating sleeping proeprly my anxiety has hit the roof etc.
I just want that chance again with a fresh mind with her as i know it would work and get me better! but i know they wont let me will they?! im ot saying now though i mean in like months or years?
Thank you for your support
SORRY ITS LONG!!
Katie
xx
 
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K

KatieJane

Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2010
Messages
12
Location
Yorkshire
I'm so sorry for you, what a terrible ordeal right at the time that you really don't need it. You must be feeling pretty frustrated and let down at the moment.
Sometimes, the way organisations work is outside of anyone's control. The people who make the decisions about how a job is done are generally not the people who actually do that job. This means that even if the staff you meet are really good at what they do and genuinely want to help you, their bosses may make decisions which don't seem right to us, as service users, and to the staff who work really hard to do the right thing by us. Please don't think that your therapist would have said those things about you, that is very unlikely to be the case. Being a behavioural therapist of any kind is a difficult job and not one people would do unless they really wanted to, and so I imagine she was a very kind and caring sort of person who wouldn't think or say those things about anybody. It sounds like you have been let down by the Mental Health team in general though, and I really do understand how you probably feel right now. I'm very impressed though, that you managed to find a connection with somebody so quickly and that you were able to progress with her, and that you felt like you could open up - that's really positive, you know? And though it's hard to for you to imagine right now, you may very well meet another very lovely therapist who can also help you - while that strong connection and understanding people is rare, it's not impossible to find and there will be someone out there who can help. Before you met this new therapist, I bet you were feeling quite bad then, too? And you didn't know at that time that you would find someone really nice really soon, who would be able to help you. And that's quite a lot like now really - the next therapist might also be really helpful and someone you can relate to. It won't be the same, of course, but it still might help you to feel better. If you do feel that psychotherapy is the wrong option for you, then print out any information you have found on the internet and take it to your doctor, tell them you are not sure that it would be the best option for you, and ask that they consider letting you carry on with the CBT. After all, it's your treatment and you should feel comfortable with it. I know that's far from ideal - it's a real setback for you, and understandably so - but it's important not to let it beat you - you sound like, when you take away the issues you are experiencing, you are quite a strong, sensible and level-headed young lady who has a lot to say and a nice way of putting it.
Who do you have to speak to about this kind of stuff outside of the medical professionals, by the way? Anyone that you can confide in and chat to? I really do hope so, because even if you don't feel like you can face the therapists at the moment, if you are speaking to someone you know regualrly, someone who can help you work through some of the things you learned from your other therapist about managing your anxiety, it will be a help to you. And, of course, I am here and will be checking back often, always happy to listen and to chat, and there will be lots of other lovely people on here who will do the same.
K xx
 
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