Really tired of living two lives....
I kind of started bad behavior and the fact that I get caught, the danger makes me feel more exicited. Ffk I hate it I hate myself.
I'm trying my best i swear. The good part is no one is really hurt....
Tell me to fuching stop
I hear you, Blackrose09. I have a personality disorder too and it's the most bizarre thing to behave contrary to your own wishes. And people often misunderstand or judge us for what we say while "that personality is coming out again". (That's a good way to put it, I think.)
First, let me just say that you're not a bad person for feeling compelled to do bad things against your rational wishes. You're no more to blame for this type of thinking than a depressed person is to blame for feeling sad all the time. It's forced on you by parts of your brain that nature didn't wire up together the right way. Unfortunately, that means you gotta do it. Fortunately, it's one of the most rewarding adventures you'll ever begin.
It seems like your brain was telling you that you should use subterfuge and manipulation to get revenge on someone, and I think that's where the key is. Because why should it be manipulation that you want to use? When most people seek revenge, their brains usually don't demand that it be secretive and master-planned.
I can't diagnose, but I can say that this sounds like a personality d/o, and I'd look for a psychiatrist with experience in PDs if you can find one. I know how much you want to stop thinking this way as soon as freaking possible because I know how confusing and painful it can be. I started treatment for OCPD at age 17, and I was over the roughest part of it by about age 19 or 20. I'm still in treatment, but I'm not in crisis anymore.
You can do it too. But you can't do it by hating yourself and asking people to hate you for it, too. You do it by reaching out to people with your genuine self, like you just did, and then by reaching out to a professional who's seen this before and knows what to do.
I wish I could help more. You're not a bad person, Blackrose09. You have a challenge that most people don't understand yet, just like me. I realize this was posted back in August, but I'm new, and hey, maybe you have an update for us!
And is one person super good? The root opposite of the other?
I once caught a movie about a woman with a borderline in the middle. I don't remember her name, only the actress in the movie was named Frankie. The film ended with the fact that he had to learn to live with his two personalities, to get used to it more precisely. Earlier, reading about aggression, I came to the conclusion that a therapy aims to learn to express it, instead of suppressing it, but in an acceptable way - through words.
Could it be annoying because the psychiatrist in psychiatry looked very bloated and annoying. Like other doctors. It annoyed me that they got rich on my back, didn't help me, fiddled with expensive suits, while I had a psychosis of frustration to have high grades, then to be a boss ... that was the wish of others ...
If it annoys you, change it, because otherwise it's psychopathic. Otherwise, you can tell her that you want to drive her crazy because something in her irritates you. This desire is subject to therapy.