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I'd rather die than go through that again

Macka

Macka

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 19, 2018
Messages
76
Location
Australia
I find myself wanting to end it all when I'm faced with improving my life. Can anyone relate?
My home's a mess because each time I decide to clean it up I feel deeply hopeless and suicidal. I never used to be this way.

I remember saying; 'I'd rather die than go through that again' during and after trauma. When I look back I see how I contributed so it scares me to feel motivated, ambitious or self focused.

It all feels too hard to 'try'. The end result is always the same. I get into strife. I survive because it's in me, but thriving isn't.

I don't even know why I'm asking.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
2,847
Location
Nashua NH
I think striving comes more naturally to some than others. I have always been one less to strive and more to simply struggle to maintain the status quo. I think there are lots of people out there like that so it’s nothing to feel ashamed of. It’s just a bummer that society rewards ambition above everything else. :hug:
 
Macka

Macka

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 19, 2018
Messages
76
Location
Australia
I think striving comes more naturally to some than others. I have always been one less to strive and more to simply struggle to maintain the status quo. I think there are lots of people out there like that so it’s nothing to feel ashamed of. It’s just a bummer that society rewards ambition above everything else. :hug:
Thankyou for answering. After I posted I saw there were 4 others without responses so I thought no-one would notice me and logged out.

You're right too. I'm ashamed of my home and lifestyle. During the worst of my grieving, after my relationship ended with a (toxic) man I loved dearly, I remember I cried and laid on my sofa for 3 days thinking how stupid I'd been. I said to myself with such resolve the above words, (title) I think it 'got in' and is now affecting how I respond to improving my life.

Your words "...struggle to maintain the status quo" is where I'm at. How true, as I said though it's not the normal me, or healthy. Feeling suicidal rather than getting up and doing the housework is really irrational, but it sits in my guts like a brick that won't shift.

I was hoping there'd be a member who understood from similar experience. Please don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for your words of encouragement ok. It's just that finding someone to talk with about this is hard pressed offline.

Anyway, I'll keep trying to cope. If you know of anyone who could relate, please let them know I'm here. x
 
C

Coolname

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
419
Location
UK
I find myself wanting to end it all when I'm faced with improving my life. Can anyone relate?
My home's a mess because each time I decide to clean it up I feel deeply hopeless and suicidal. I never used to be this way.

I remember saying; 'I'd rather die than go through that again' during and after trauma. When I look back I see how I contributed so it scares me to feel motivated, ambitious or self focused.

It all feels too hard to 'try'. The end result is always the same. I get into strife. I survive because it's in me, but thriving isn't.

I don't even know why I'm asking.
Hi

I think I can relate. Never quite worked out why I associate doing things for me with fear and self loathing but I do. I remember doing a mindfulness course, there was a self compassion meditation that I simply couldn't do. I couldn't even say "may I be well" silently. Self loathing comes into it, as does fear of judgement for treating myself like I matter, fear of failure and 'why bother, it's only me.'

I am going to be try to be tough with myself and set routines for sleep and chores. Set times, set days, no matter what. In theory the routine will override the thoughts, and provide evidence that the consequences of acting in my own interest are positive, not negative.
 
V

venusgarci

Member
Joined
Feb 18, 2020
Messages
8
Location
Mexico
I also feel bad when I do things for myself. Deep down I know I dont deserve them And I also feel like a fraud like I know that everything Is going to end bad so why bother. It makes every aspect of living extremely hard, I am just trying to survive but thats not really living. Thats when my suicidal thoughts come in. This is super hard and you are not alone sorry for not being helpful but as weird as it sounds I really want you yo feel better. This amount of sugfering Is unbearable. Send you love and hugs.
 
C

Coolname

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
419
Location
UK
I just heard a phrase that describes some of my thinking.

Don't dare to dream, it hurts too much when you wake up.

That is how my brain works now, but I WANT to dream and I will learn to dare.
 
Macka

Macka

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 19, 2018
Messages
76
Location
Australia
Dear @venusgarci, @Coolname;

I appreciate your posts so much. Reading through them I started crying as your very personal words hit me like a brick, so thankyou. I say this because knowing I'm not alone brings relief and comfort, even though it hurts to be this way.

Today is a particularly difficult day. I received a call from a finance company saying I'm late paying monthly payments on a washing machine I purchased a couple of months ago thinking it was a no-interest, deferred payment plan for 36 months, but it wasn't and I have to pay monthly repayments now.

I consider my budget very carefully due to my situation, so to hear this was upsetting. The old me would've taken it in my stride, but these days one setback confuses and torments me as if it were an apocalyptic event.

Feeling helpless to change things is frustrating and scary. I want to be better at living, but well, the tears are flowing now so I might log off.

Thanks for listening.
 
C

Coolname

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
419
Location
UK
Sorry to hear about the washing machine situation. That sucks.
Feeling helpless to change things is frustrating and scary
Yep. Learned helplessness is a thing. If you find yourself in a situation where nothing you can do will change it, and / or action has negative consequences, then your subconscious takes the lesson that there is no point in trying and you lose your sense of agency. This then persists later in life, when the original situation is long gone.

I'm reading The Body Keeps The Score. This book recommends re-educating the subconscious and processing the memories and feelings of trauma in a controlled way, that does not reinforce the trauma, may help. Of course, doing that is very hard.
 
Zero One

Zero One

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
1,194
Location
United States
I used to hurt like hell emotionally for valid reasons, and really used to fight to push through, but now I just prefer to be medicated...I take any bad mood as an indication that something is going wrong and I try to work with my psychiatrist to make living manageable.
 
P

pollypocket88

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 21, 2019
Messages
147
Location
england
Hi just sending my support I my self have gone three stages when my house is a best and I haven’t washed or brushed my hair because I’m just mentally not well it’s easily done don’t be hard on your self sending you my support
 
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