4tututu
New member
Hello there!!! I'm a 20 year old (Nov 1st born!) nonbinary person (my pronouns are he/him so please refer to me by them only) and I am a part of the LGBT community! I'm also a scorpio & an ENTP for those who might be curious. I searched for an online forum because I live in a third-world country and it's pretty hard to get a proper diagnosis here, not to mention I have a single mother and she has to support both me and my little sister (she's 16 years old!).
For a background story, I suffered emotional, mental and physical childhood abuse from my dad since I was around 10 till my mom, sister and I fled from the house when I was 19 (aka the start of 2020, before covid, thank god). He physically abused my mother since the start of the marriage, cheated on her, abused her verbally and made her go through the worst experience ever which is traumatizing for me to even remember. He beat both her up as well as me, and sometimes my sister would get hit too because she would jump in trying to save me or my mother.
Basically, when we were living with him, we were on survival mode. No one knew what would happen next, when he'd start beating us up, so we constantly lived in anxiety and I rarely wore earphones because I wanted to be sure I heard it in case my mom screamed.
I've thought about killing my dad for the longest time and even had instances where I genuinely wanted to attempt it. He's an alcohol & cigarette addict & he drank so much that he started having hallucinations & delusions & got hospitalized as well. When he was hospitalized, they got a brainscan of him & the doctor said he has some mental illness but my dad lashed out, fought with the nurses/doctors, and then when he got home he threw all the medicines after looking up on the internet & finding out that they are medicines for mentally ill patients.
I don't know if he had bipolar disorder (which is what I suspect I have) but his own father had done some crazy shit too where he suddenly left home & went to sleep in temples (he was Buddhist).
Either way, we live away from him now. My mom & sister aren't really close to me and they can both be extremely insensitive because I tend to get suicidal at times when my mom used to compare me to my dad (which is my biggest fear ever because I've had plans of killing myself in case I ever perform a single action similar to him).
November 1st was my birthday and when we were living with my dad, he started huge fights & I spent my birthdays crying & growing to hate the day. I don't know if it was that but this time, even tho we were living apart from him, I had a huge depressive episode. I was suicidal to the point where it's all I graphically imagined, & I even started crying for no absolute reason, & I slept almost all day. When I started crying out of nowhere, it woke my mother up & we agreed to go see a doctor.
There, the psychiatrist told me I probably have depression, even though I told him that I sometimes tend to have really happy moods. So I haven't gotten a proper diagnosis (even for my depression) and we live in a 3rd world country (sri lanka) where psychiatry isn't as advanced so I think I'd get a better, firmer diagnosis from a psychiatrist of another country.
Either way, I've been in contact with my clinical psychologist at University and she believes I don't show simple symptoms of just depression. So I'm super lost & I also have the habit of minimizing my struggles (so I often feel like my abuse from my dad wasn't even That bad, etc) so I'm not a really dependable person to myself.
I hope by joining this forum I can genuinely find some help and a better understanding (whether I have bipolar, just depression, or some other disorder).
Thank you for reading so far! I hope to meet & become close to people here, especially those of my age & especially if they are LGBT because it is very lonely being a minority in this country :/ !
For a background story, I suffered emotional, mental and physical childhood abuse from my dad since I was around 10 till my mom, sister and I fled from the house when I was 19 (aka the start of 2020, before covid, thank god). He physically abused my mother since the start of the marriage, cheated on her, abused her verbally and made her go through the worst experience ever which is traumatizing for me to even remember. He beat both her up as well as me, and sometimes my sister would get hit too because she would jump in trying to save me or my mother.
Basically, when we were living with him, we were on survival mode. No one knew what would happen next, when he'd start beating us up, so we constantly lived in anxiety and I rarely wore earphones because I wanted to be sure I heard it in case my mom screamed.
I've thought about killing my dad for the longest time and even had instances where I genuinely wanted to attempt it. He's an alcohol & cigarette addict & he drank so much that he started having hallucinations & delusions & got hospitalized as well. When he was hospitalized, they got a brainscan of him & the doctor said he has some mental illness but my dad lashed out, fought with the nurses/doctors, and then when he got home he threw all the medicines after looking up on the internet & finding out that they are medicines for mentally ill patients.
I don't know if he had bipolar disorder (which is what I suspect I have) but his own father had done some crazy shit too where he suddenly left home & went to sleep in temples (he was Buddhist).
Either way, we live away from him now. My mom & sister aren't really close to me and they can both be extremely insensitive because I tend to get suicidal at times when my mom used to compare me to my dad (which is my biggest fear ever because I've had plans of killing myself in case I ever perform a single action similar to him).
November 1st was my birthday and when we were living with my dad, he started huge fights & I spent my birthdays crying & growing to hate the day. I don't know if it was that but this time, even tho we were living apart from him, I had a huge depressive episode. I was suicidal to the point where it's all I graphically imagined, & I even started crying for no absolute reason, & I slept almost all day. When I started crying out of nowhere, it woke my mother up & we agreed to go see a doctor.
There, the psychiatrist told me I probably have depression, even though I told him that I sometimes tend to have really happy moods. So I haven't gotten a proper diagnosis (even for my depression) and we live in a 3rd world country (sri lanka) where psychiatry isn't as advanced so I think I'd get a better, firmer diagnosis from a psychiatrist of another country.
Either way, I've been in contact with my clinical psychologist at University and she believes I don't show simple symptoms of just depression. So I'm super lost & I also have the habit of minimizing my struggles (so I often feel like my abuse from my dad wasn't even That bad, etc) so I'm not a really dependable person to myself.
I hope by joining this forum I can genuinely find some help and a better understanding (whether I have bipolar, just depression, or some other disorder).
Thank you for reading so far! I hope to meet & become close to people here, especially those of my age & especially if they are LGBT because it is very lonely being a minority in this country :/ !
