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I wish I could just bail out but I can't/won't

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Confuzzled

Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2010
Messages
19
Location
South England
Warning....ramble ahead....:unsure:

We'll I have to say I am on the edge of saying thats it, I'm out, Enough is Enough, Adios, Get on with it. But I can't. I wish I could, but I can't because I cannot abdicate my responsiblities as a Husband and Father.

Angry, Sad, Lost, Alone, Confused, Enraged, Devotional Stress and Grief are the emotions I can and do (often) feel all at once.

My wife has been mentally ill for about a year now and life has been rather testing to put it mildly. My Children are affected, our families are affected and the wider friend network is affected. My career is affected and I am currently off sick to look after her. I am prepared give up my career, I don't want to because I love my job, but I love my family more.

The thing with mental illness is the person who is suffering only sees that it is about them. And to a degree of course it is. But really we are all damaged by it.

My two poor children saw her in hospital after the first time she took an overdose and they also visited her during a spell in the mental health unit.

I have shielded my daughter from most of it but recently my wife cut her wrists and she was bandaged up. The kids haven't been told that is what she has done but its pretty obvious with the bandages and I am positive they can put 2 and 2 together. She was also in the house when I had to phone for an ambulance for her 7th (that I know of) OD last week.

This has really affected her and last night she had a panic attack and didn't want to come home. So she stayed at a friends house.
She had developed and anxiety based eating habit after the first time which we managed to get over. I just don't want this to resurface especially as she is now in her critical school years.

My Son is a lazy, stroppy 17 year old (aren't they all!) but a good Kid with a kind heart really. I know that this has really affected him as well but it is quite difficult to talk to him and filter out the "normal" teenage angst from the pain he feels about his Mum.

I have suggested therapy for both of them.....You can guess the look and response I got for that. So I guess I'll just have to do my best.
My daughter does get support from her school though and I am hoping this will be ok.

I'm not going to ramble on, suffice to say I will hang in there. I don't necessarily want to if I'm honest, but I love my Wife very much and my Children immeasurably and so have no alternative.

This of course is not the whole story. I would be here for a long time if it was, but it is a little overview of the situation.

Any advice is greatly received. Ramble over :confused:
 
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Op.cit

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 23, 2009
Messages
114
I wish I had something more useful to tell you. I hope you find a support group and that you and your family come out the other side of this time in good shape.

I console myself with the thought that sometimes life is just messy and the will to get through it is as important as the means.

Very good luck to you.

Regards,
Op.cit
 
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maudikie

Guest
maudikie

Have you seen the psychiatrist yourself about your wife and told him/her of the strain it is putting on the family?? I should ask for a carer's assessment, and I should imagine that a break in each week would give you more breathing space. The carers assessment is a fairly new thing and nobody tells you about what arrangements are available, so you have to sort it out for yourself, which is bad. You could look up Carers U.K. on the net, as they are now including mental illness as well as physical disabilities. They may have more suggestions which could help. If you have had to give up work for a while you may be entitled to some Benefits. At least enquire, as any lack of money is only going to add to your problems. You may be able to get a home help for your wife which may lift your home responsibilities.
Best wishes and take care as the children need you. They can be a great comfort to you as well as you to them. :)
 
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Confuzzled

Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2010
Messages
19
Location
South England
Thank you Maudikie for your comments.

I have just got a carers assesment (yet to be fully completed) and they have offered a helping hand. What is nice about the carers help is someone to talk to. Someone who is not close to my situation, not family and not judgemental.

I am very lucky :)confused:). My employer is really supportive and I am still on full pay however this is due to go down to half pay soon. However I am still extremely lucky compared to most and am very aware of that.

You are quite right though about the children. We get through it together and support each other....ish, after all they are teenagers :p

One day I am sure we will look back on this and just say "we made it!".
 
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skath

Member
Joined
May 12, 2010
Messages
7
Location
Minnesota
Bach flower remedies?

Before you throw in the towel, at least give Bach flower essences a try. When I have emotional trouble dealing with things, at the last I remember Bach, and they always help! There is a little book that helps you choose. You get them usually at a natural foods store.

Also, for your wife. When I was a child and had symptoms, my mom took me to a friend's doc (her friend had schizophrenia) and he gave me nutritional therapy. Vitamin C, B etc. She says it really helped. The more I learn about biology, the more I realize that nutrition really enables the chemicals and cells in our body to do their thing. So I really recommend it, besides the regular psychiatric care. They say they are much farther along with this therapy in Canada.
 
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Confuzzled

Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2010
Messages
19
Location
South England
skath,

Thank you for your kind words and ideas.

I completely agree with you on the natural side. I like aromatherapy and am a bit into that and so have come across Bach Flowers before but have never tried it.

BUT its trying to convince my wife to take part! I have bought her Vitamin C and Evening Primrose Oil (post hysterectomy) but she just forgets or can't be bothered. The problem is it is not prescribed!!! I'm sure if it was she would then validate it.

Her dietary habits are not best either so I need to work on that area as well. (I can talk! :rolleyes:)

But I'm not giving up on trying :) and we will get there in the end.
 
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Blondie

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2010
Messages
396
Location
Lancashire
Just wanted to say I understand how one person in the family being ill affects everyone.My 17 year old daughter has a terminal illness(see justgiving page for details).This affects her physically and also mentally with anger outbursts and physical attacks on us all.Screaming at night so we don't get any sleep.My husband fell asleep at the wheel the other day on the way to work!!!!!!!!!Luckily he just missed being in an accident.His boss sent him home to rest by bus.She has now been out on Risperidone to hopefully sort this,still early days.I felt your desperation xxxxx
 
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TherapyTribe

Member
Joined
May 15, 2010
Messages
16
HI


I wish I had something more useful to tell you. I hope you find a support group and you and your family come out the other side of this time in good shape.
 
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Confuzzled

Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2010
Messages
19
Location
South England
Thank you for your support Blondie.
It must be so hard for you and your husband trying to keep yourselves going. Sleep is one of the comforts I have and so I really do feel for you. Also I live in the hope that my wife will get better but having the knowledge that she may not like your daughter must be an awful burden. My thoughts are with you. xxx
The only thing we can do is soldier on. Lets hope the Risperidone works and that you can get some form of respite. xxx
 
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Moonrat

New member
Joined
Jan 18, 2010
Messages
4
Hi Confuzzled, I really do empathise with your situation, mine is similar and today I'm dealing with the fact that my partner has let go of his benefits (he seems to think that I should support him out of my bit of Incapacity benefit, and I have been!) and has not bothered to put in an appeal against the diecision to scrap his ESA. I've been on the phone all morning getting more time for the appeal and explaining to people that the claiming process has made his depression even worse - I'm off to see his doctor this afternoon to tell the truth and get a supporting letter, but I'm the most unpopular person on the planet round here, just for caring whether we've got an income or not! My partner is definitely ill, but he's in loads of denial about it, he believes that he just "lives with a bad woman". So I have to tell the doc the truth otherwise he'll never get any benefits. He is very angry with me (as usual), he has to blame me for everything negative that he does. I'm not superwoman and I could so with some support but there doesn't seem to be anything in my area. I'm so isolated and fearful about whatever he'll do next to sabotage our lives here.
 
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Confuzzled

Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2010
Messages
19
Location
South England
Hi Moonrat,

Firstly you are not alone. The people here will support you. It also helps to know that it is not only you in this world going through what you are. If you need to talk I and others on here will listen.

There will be support in your area. Initially I didn't really find that out until I had a carers refferral from my wifes CPN. You should be able to talk to your doctor about this and he will be able to point you in the right direction.

I too can empathise with you about being in the bad books. It really is unfair and not at all deserved but it is part of the illness. Try and keep strong and keep things going. Telling the truth to his doctor about his actions and illness is not wrong. You are at the sharp end and will see things that he and others will not.
I know it feels horrible because I too have felt like that but it has to be done, not only for theirs but your sake as well.

I have started to be a bit more assertive when my wife does something which is not acceptable, not too much so that it is negative, but to let her know that there are other people which are affected by her actions other than just herself.

I feel your desperation Moonrat and am thinking of you. :hug: Keep your chin up and don't forget that you are special and need to treat yourself every so often when you can afford it. :flowers: xxx
 
G

ginger

Active member
Joined
Mar 16, 2010
Messages
27
Location
burrleigh heads gold coast Australia
Dear Confussled,Well 36yrs on Im still here, I sometimes think that I am just as physcologically affected with a mental Illness just like my husband and my son who also was diagnosed with schizaphrenia,you are so right, we dont have friends after all these years .my older son and his family moved he could not deal with it ,my daughter is still living near me withher teenage chidren they are so savvy about mental illness its like talking to mini doctors .they are very caring .If it was not for my work I think I would of lost it years ago, I am an area health officer , and work sometimes with the mentally ill ,but its totally different when it is your own family,I never give up im the only one in there life who unconditionall loves them no matter what , and I can tell you after all these years i have been through the mill and back.but if they dont have us who do they have .good luck keep up the good work they say life was not meant to be easy ,I say I never knew is was suppose to be this hard .there is not to many of us that stick around ,we are a rare bunch,take care be strong take control of your family you have be the one to make the tough decesions all the best ginger
 
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